#1
OTS and whatnot. Throw me some help.

I just want to magnify life.
Make breath become whirlwinds
and Every action move worlds.
Watch whispers demolish buildings.
I want to bring about
the artistic armageddon
by describing
the metaphorical universe
That no one knows they're living in.
I give my hand to be their guide,
but watch instead as they turn
blind eyes.
Last edited by rush4life at Mar 26, 2008,
#2

I thought it started alright but then it didn't really say anything. Where did the godess come from? And I didn't like "movement move". I guess I just can't take much away from this because it's not real enough to me, and I like my poetry gritty and dirty and real, and this is all pretty metaphhors and similies and whatnot. It sure looks nice, but it doesn't affect me. Doesn't reach out.

I have one up, doesn't matter what you think of it just tell me you read it and I'll be happy




love is a dog from hell.



#3
I agree.

I understand the sentiment well, which is maybe why I liked it more than I should.

Gah, sorry. I don't have much to say. I've been up for two days and I'm drained and slightly drunk (God, how cliched...)
Poor advice.
#5
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
I liked this. You want to make more of an impact on the world, and society no? I enjoyed reading it, which at the end of the day is the most imporant thing!

I'd appreciate it if you read and made crit on my recent poem: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=821791

Thanks!


Actually, it was more about the perspective of a writer, and how we perceive the world, where everything has way more significance in writing than when you see it in person. The end is just there because everybody seems to be cynical about the world, so I just threw in a happier ending.

I'll read yours, thanks for the comments.

You too Randy.
#6
Quote by rush4life

I just want to magnify life
Make breath become whirlwinds
Every movement move worlds.

Hated movement move... it didn't strike me well. Outside of that, this was a good beginning, there was something about it that gave it a bit of an epic but introspective feel. Something I've never really encountered before. Good work on that.

Whispers demolish buildings.
These and every other action drip
With sentimental significance.

meh, this just didn't sit right. The first line was good... I love the way it blows everything out of proportion to an extent and really adds to the "epic" feel you've got going. The last two though... meh. They didn't read well. It's like you were trying to say something, but were sort of stumbling over how to say it and thus when it came out it sort of stumbled all over itself.

Describe the metaphorical universe
That no one knows they're living in.
I'll give my hand to be their guide,
Or watch them turn blind eyes
At this goddess well disguised.

Line 2 seemed unnecessary, other than introducing the "they". Outside of that, its kinda assumed within the first line, metaphorical sort of means that others aren't aware of the "symmetry between the ideas." I guess, because of that this whole section again didn't sit very well. Also, the last line just seemed a bit tacked on. Like it was just there for the rhyme with eyes. It doesn't really add much... and almost seems to open up more ideas than it closes (what goddess? etc...) which is bad for a closing line, IMO.


All in all, this was an ok piece. Started out fairly promising... but it just seemed to go down hill. Toward the end, you were writing ideas a bit like someone who is ranting.. circling around themselves and re-saying things they've already said another way. Seemed (to me at least) that there wasn't quite enough content here... and you were stretching a one-line idea into a piece... which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. To me, it didn't here. Sorry mate.

Comments on "Figure of Speech" (sig) appreciated.

-zC
#7
Thanks Zach, I edited it a bit, but the ending still sucks. You hit the nail on the head about the circling, which is probably because I did it OTS. I'm very bad at organizing my thoughts.

I've read yours already, and I'll comment soon.