#1
i've seen this city before;
the people proudly walk
with their heads turned round
as if they find their heresy heroic.
they twist the necks of their children
while they're still in the womb
to ensure that they will be
born as heroes.

i think it's all just a manifestation
of their collective envy; of their desire
to feel more defiant than anyone else,
simply because their egos are starved.

but i have no desire to stay in this heretic city,
for their inherent defiance is in no way different
from the inherent conformity that they despise.
their ideals are nothing more than a divine comedy
of errors, repeatedly digested and excreted
until the world became the cesspool that it is.

all i want is to be able to leave it
without ever stepping in anyone's shit.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 26, 2008,
#3
is it supposed to be a poem or a song? 'cause as a song i don't see how it can work since the first stanza is two lines longer than the rest. and there are the two lines at the end. i mean, unless you have a melody with not much structure you could make it work, but as a structured song, it doesn't have much structure.

anyways, the actual content is pretty good. i certainly liked it. nothing to change, really.
#5
Quote by Grovermans

lol, kyle.

i've seen this city before;
The right level of ambiguity to be, well, intriguing.
the people proudly walk
with their heads turned round
as if they find their heresy heroic.
they twist the necks of their children
while they're still in the womb
to ensure that they will be
born as heroes.
First going through this, I was complaining rather a lot, I felt it lacked direction and it was lacking in some things. But the I re-read, and I picked up on the whole backwardness of the people. Two things though;

> "proud" felt out of place, as it's not really reinforced with any of the images. There surely must be a more relevant adjective for this stanza?

>"heresy" reminds me of when you used chronometer or something; a word that holds little meaning to anyone in modern society, therefore you lose your reader somewhat.


i think it's all just a manifestation
of their collective envy and vanity;
I think you can drop either envy or vanity. It gives it more impact then. Envy would work best, considering the rest of the stanza fits less with vanity.
a manifestation of their desire to feel
Manifestation is an ugly word to repeat, and I see no reason why you had to. It's, well, ugly.
more defiant than anyone else, because
their egos are starved and no one ever
feeds the mediocre.
I think the mediocre thing was lacking in strength. Maybe just think of leaving it at "starved"? A starved ego connotes someone who thinks they are good at something, but get little notice of it, thus proving them to be mediocre? I think it works better here if you leave it a bit ambiguous yet still easy to get a meaning out of.

but i have no desire to stay in this heretic city,
for their inherent defiance is in no way different
from the inherent conformity that they despise.
their ideals are nothing more than a divine comedy
of errors, repeatedly digested and excreted
until the world became the shithole that it is.
I quite liked this stanza, actually. Read well.

and all i want is to be able to leave it
without ever stepping in anyone's shit.

Eh. The swearing should be kept for the last word, it has a much,much, much greater impact. Call it a wasteland or something in the part above; use cursing in the most effective way possible, which would be at the end here.


Overall solid, the first part was a bit weaker than the end I felt. Still, style-wise, distinctly you.

Mice in my sig if you could return?

Stick around man.
#6
haha the first stanza is literally about heresy though. the entire first stanza is a reference to the divine comedy. and "proud" is not meant to be relevant to the rest. it's meant to seem out of place, because they're not SUPPOSED to be proud of their heresy.

other than that, i agree with most of what you said. so thank you.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
Ah. Presumed I missed something.



I'm about to post a new song up so don't worry about the above piece I said. Been there done that.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 26, 2008,
#8
I love the heresy heroic part. It's pretty clever.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#10
pleasant...i found it alot easier to read than i thought it would be at first glance. the flow is constant, so no complaints there.. overall, i guess i have no immediate discrepancies. this might change later, but for now - very good.

probably not much help, but if you find time, you're more than welcome to take a stab at mine: "3 Intercedes."
#11
Oh hey Kyle

I really dug the first line and the last two lines. The rest of the first stanza didn't have too much of an impact on me. Maybe I'd get it more if I were familiar with the divine comedy.

"I think" might ruin the second stanza for me. Try reading it without those two words and see if maybe you like it better.

"i have no desire to stay" -- Not convincing. I thought you wanted to get the hell out of there immediately, but this line changed my mind. The rest of this stanza is fine though.

Overall, I guess I'm not feeling it too much, but I get what you're trying to achieve. And it is achieved.