#1


"you remind me of the man who went to the car wash
queued up
then realised he din't have a car -
the man who washed his face in nails"

"i went to live my life
waited for the bar to open
then realised i never had a life anyway."

"exactly
that's you
you need a change"

"i need a double vodka bloody mary."

"you need to be the man who puts tears in peoples eyes -
the man who wears an onion
go buy some onions"

"i just got back from france.
too many damn onions."

"that's what they all say
well
it seems you're all washed up
i can't suggest much
i feel like the man who went to the doctors and
saved all the other patients
then died himself"

"man, we're the same damn man."

"i've strived to be different-
now i feel like i spent hours making a hat out of glass
and went outside and bumped into another man in a glass hat
and it smashed
. . .
are you still about?"

"i'm writing."

"i see..."

"i hope god has bigger balls than janis joplin
because no one else does."

"...a writer"

"i feel like the man who out boxed muhammed ali
and thought he was the champ
then got knocked down on the sidewalk by some kid
looking for a penny to spend on beer."

"maybe it's not necessary -

to find a way to write songs that don't rhyme
to live a life without drinking yourself half to death
half the time,
to not wear onions but still have
half a million ways of making people cry.
maybe sometimes
you can knock the champion of the world down flat
but still be unable to let
sleeping
dogs
lie

- i really don't know what to think."






love is a dog from hell.



#2
lol that was... wow. dont know what to say :P its different i guess. not in a bad way, either. pretty good keep it up

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#3
I thought a lot of it (first two-thirds or so) was pretty weak and average.

But the ending was really, really good.

Okay, so this makes me think you set up the ending ie. talked about all the right things, laid down the right foundations, but the actual writing itself felt, well, forced. It was like you could have gone about this opening in a more subtle way. Right from the start, it was like "okay, all this stuff won't make sense until the ending" and it didn't. Not until the end. Which is fine, I guess, if that's what you are going for, but it didn't make me feel anything, didn't connect, until those last few lines. I only read on in the first bit because I knew I was going to have to say something to critique. I don't think I would have read on if I wasn't.

do you see what I'm saying? There was little that enticing me to read on except that I knew you'd have to tie it all together in the end. It never really moved on; whether if this was because you had no narrative and it was just speech, I don't know, but the piece never really felt alive until the end. It was pretty flat, standard stuff when I know you usually have writing that pops and crackles.

So, yeah. A really, really ending, but I can't help but think that the first half or more was just plodding along, putting in a few plot strands to thicken the ending.

#4
I was about to say very similar things to what jamie said. Right at the beginning, after two stanzas, I could tell that this piece was sub-par to your usual writing. Somewhat forced and obvious ironic metaphors all over the place. What felt like the whole "online" conversation was pretty hazy. Or was it himself? I don't know. That other character didn't play any specific role anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

I loved the ending though. I'd just keep the last stanza , and the lines around it, and build on that. Perhaps it's what you did already.

Even though I don't comment on all of your pieces, I read them all. I just say something when I think it's worth it. keep it up.
-Mat
#5
here here,

nice piece
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 26, 2008,
#7

I'll take the credit for the last part - all of this apart from that one stanza is ripped straight from a conversation me and Alex had, very little editing at all. So for those of you who said it sounded more like conversation that poetry... you'd be right. But I liked the way it all tied together with that one little bit added in.




love is a dog from hell.



#8
i like it. especially the part about janis joplin. janis was a badass. i love when songs recognize the OG artists from back in the day. to me music was way better back then anyway.
#9
haha i dont know what it means but i think its better than most lyrics on this forum.
Just because of the ending, i agree with everyone else bout the beginning... But the ending might not work without so dont change it...
#10
This is my favorite thing from you honestly.

Also, random question, but how old are you?
Poor advice.
#12
Because it's a ridiculous conversation, and the dialogue is sharp. It just....reads well.

Wasn't too keen on the Janis Joplin line, though. It was a little bland and uninspired.


I ask because you've gotten in alot of drinking for being 18 and I admire that. We need more young drunks.
Poor advice.
#13

How old are you, Randy?

I think drunk is just another kind of hapiness. People shouldn't have so much of a problem with it.




love is a dog from hell.



#14
I'm 21.
Six long years of smoking, four long years of drinking. It all started with Saturday nights out with my father (What a respectable parent...)
Poor advice.
#15
yes yes yes yes yes
Last edited by skagitup at Jul 31, 2011,
#16
I don't really like to be the odd man out, so I'll agree with what everyone else has said. But seriously, I really liked the beginning, it doesn't have to make sense, it just is. Also, the ending more than makes up for it by tying it all together. If anything, throw in a he said, you said in there. It sucks and isnt creative at all, but its a way for the reader/listener to connect more with the piece. Great job!

If you don't mind, crit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=823329
#17
i especially liked the part about onions. i guess it was the kinda ridiculous imagery and solution to something quite serious. i gotta agree with stellar_legs on the janis joplin line but i thought it was funny how it shows the struggle of a "writer" sometimes. well at least that's what i got from it. and the ending was great. #2 in my sig if you like, please.