#1
Hey guys I just thought I'd post up my latest piece, wrote it today after I got home from work, hope you like it. Let me know what you think and I'll return any crit on your pieces, cheers guys! To give you an idea of what it sounds like, it's probably going to be acoustic, kind of Smashing Pumpkins style.

Our Everlasting Gaze:

Verse 1:

Weary-eyed, and forlorn,
With the creeping Sun,
A new day is born.
“Come closer now”, the sky will say,
To golden grass from sun kissed rays.

Verse 2:

Unguided souls, inter-twined,
They’ll all grow old,
They all have time.
These memories, don’t fade away
As the blue skies, go twilight grey.

Chorus 1:

New life begins to bloom, new life is born,
But every rose has its thorns.
A change of scenery,
Is all that we need,
To cast our Everlasting Gaze.

Verse 3:

Driving rain, insanity,
What we are told,
Is what we see.
There comes a time, we have to hide,
From what we see, from what divides.

Verse 4:

Up ahead, horizon breaks,
As the moon rises,
To night we take.
The twinkle of, a thousand stars,
The journeys end, is not so far.

Bridge:

We won’t say goodbye tonight, / (There’s no goodbye tonight)
Beneath the moon and stars so bright.
Twilight fades into uncertainty,
Or what you choose to believe.
Our Everlasting Gaze brings sweet relief.

Chorus 2/Outro:

New life has bloomed, and new life has been born,
And all the roses have shed their thorns,
We’ve changed the scenery,
And we have all we need,
Thanks to our Everlasting Gaze.
#2
Its pretty good, but Its hard for me to give much crit unless i can listen to the melody along with the lyrics. But from what I can tell, it seems really good. I like the title, and all the lines in it "Everlasting Gaze", that is good.
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(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#4
Haha yeah I realise that is the case, but other than the name, I didn't mean the songs to be similar, as in the idea of the music I have for it is completely different. As for the title, I only changed it to "Our Everlasting Gaze" after I'd written it, as beforehand I had it tentatively titled it "Roses and Thorns" but I thought some people might dismiss the song purely for the way the title sounded, and I really didnt want this to happen.

Thanks for looking man, you have a piece you want me to take a look at? If so just leave me a link!

-Toby
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Mar 26, 2008,
#5
good lyrics....
i think you need to change the chorus a bit so it will be more emphazised..but maybe it sounds good with the melody
#6
Thanks for pointing that out, but this is actually the chorus after it has been changed, as it works really well with the melody. The one I had before this didn't fit too well, as I'd tried to focus more on the lyrical content and rhyming within it. This way I keep a strong chorus, and also get a really nice melody to it.

Thanks for looking.
#7
i'd like to begin by thanking you for the comment on my art.

the good thing about everything i've ever read from you...is that it's all so positive, and i just can't help but to smile as i read. it's apparent that you have a knack for this.

you know what, i can't even hardly find anything wrong with it. i can imagine a nice little tune to this, just like you said. the words are so lovely, keep up the good work man.
#8
Quote by ottoavist
i'd like to begin by thanking you for the comment on my art.

the good thing about everything i've ever read from you...is that it's all so positive, and i just can't help but to smile as i read. it's apparent that you have a knack for this.

you know what, i can't even hardly find anything wrong with it. i can imagine a nice little tune to this, just like you said. the words are so lovely, keep up the good work man.


No problem about the comment, it's great to be able to read great pieces like that man. Thanks for commenting here, and I find it satisfying when people can take away the sense of positivity from my pieces. There are some parts in here that I thought could sound dark to some people but if you read the whole piece and take it in, you realise that there is nothing deeply dark about it, and I'm glad you get that.
I think that's why I changed the title from "Roses and thorns" as, to some people, I think that could have had connotations of a completely opposite idea.

Hope to read more of your stuff in the future.

-Toby
#9
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Hey guys I just thought I'd post up my latest piece, wrote it today after I got home from work, hope you like it. Let me know what you think and I'll return any crit on your pieces, cheers guys! To give you an idea of what it sounds like, it's probably going to be acoustic, kind of Smashing Pumpkins style.

Our Everlasting Gaze:

Verse 1:

Weary-eyed, and forlorn,
With the creeping Sun,
A new day is born.
“Come closer now”, the sky will say,
To golden grass from sun kissed rays.
The last two lines work very nicely.

Verse 2:

Unguided souls, inter-twined,
They’ll all grow old,
They all have time.
These memories, don’t fade away This line feels kind of cliche.
As the blue skies, go twilight grey.

Chorus 1:

New life begins to bloom, new life is born,
But every rose has its thorns."Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song..." Haha, I had too.
A change of scenery,
Is all that we need,
To cast our Everlasting Gaze.
This stanza is o.k. I would take out the second line though.

Verse 3:

Driving rain, insanity,
What we are told,
Is what we see.
There comes a time, we have to hide,
From what we see, from what divides.
Try to use another word for either the 3rd or last line other than see, it sounds repetitive and off. Otherwise it sounds fine.

Verse 4:

Up ahead, horizon breaks,
As the moon rises,
To night we take.
The twinkle of, a thousand stars,
The journeys end, is not so far.
Simple, but very effective. Good.

Bridge:

We won’t say goodbye tonight, / (There’s no goodbye tonight)
Beneath the moon and stars so bright.
Twilight fades into uncertainty,
Or what you choose to believe.
Our Everlasting Gaze brings sweet relief.
I don't really like the second line, sounds to 'sing song-y'.

Chorus 2/Outro:

New life has bloomed, and new life has been born,
And all the roses have shed their thorns,
We’ve changed the scenery,
And we have all we need,
Thanks to our Everlasting Gaze.
I would use "To cast our Everlasting Gaze" for the last line here instead.


Overall very nice. Some parts are a little bumpy, but there is deffinately a solid frame to this song. The idea of an everlasting gaze is something I enjoy. Standing on your porch, staring into the sun set, wishing it would be an everlasting gaze, perfect. Critique mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13486502#post13486502
#10
Thanks freshtunes. I'm thinking of changing the final line in Verse 3 to "From what takes place, from what divides", seems to flow just as well. Cheers for the pointers, I'll check your piece out now.
#11
nice,
i can't give really give you any critisism or advice cause i don't know the melody to it.
maybe u could write some music for it???
#12
Very nice lyrics. You use your words very wisely! I would love to hear the type of music that would go with this. A great piece man. Keep on writing.
#13
Cheers redh0t. I've not got the music down perfectly yet. I'm a bassist, so my songwriting technique comes unstuck on guitar parts but for this I envision a simple acoustic riff/sequence. I guess something that could give you a basic idea would be the American Gothic EP by Smashing Pumpkins. The song is in a similar vein to Corgan's writing on that record.

You have any pieces up I could read dude?
#15
Nice, I have to say acoustic music isn't my thing, but on the whole I like the lyrical concept. You've got something good going here.
#17
i have no idea what to say, there isn't anything i can think to change in here at all. i would love the hear the music this would go with, for some reason i can imagine hawthorne heights doing it (no idea why happy lyrics emo band), of coarse the emo kid suggests them. but any way this is an amazing song, and i hope to see more like this later on.


oh and if ur gonna crit my stuff, wait a week so i can post some of my good ones.
#18
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Hey guys I just thought I'd post up my latest piece, wrote it today after I got home from work, hope you like it. Let me know what you think and I'll return any crit on your pieces, cheers guys! To give you an idea of what it sounds like, it's probably going to be acoustic, kind of Smashing Pumpkins style.

Our Everlasting Gaze:

Verse 1:

Weary-eyed, and forlorn,
With the creeping Sun,
A new day is born.
“Come closer now”, the sky will say,
To golden grass from sun kissed rays.
the "Come closer now" line is probably the weakest line here but the last line completely makes up for it.

Verse 2:

Unguided souls, inter-twined,
They’ll all grow old,
They all have time.
These memories, don’t fade away
As the blue skies, go twilight grey.
the first line seems really common, maybe replace 'unguided souls' with something else. rest is great though.

Chorus 1:

New life begins to bloom, new life is born,
But every rose has its thorns.
A change of scenery,
Is all that we need,
To cast our Everlasting Gaze.
i don't like the first two lines, maybe use some other metaphor in the second line. the rest isn't excellent but definitely solid.

Verse 3:

Driving rain, insanity,
What we are told,
Is what we see.
There comes a time, we have to hide,
From what we see, from what divides.
first three lines are solid, the last two lines dip in quality a bit.

Verse 4:

Up ahead, horizon breaks,
As the moon rises,
To night we take.
The twinkle of, a thousand stars,
The journeys end, is not so far.
i don't really like this verse, your other verses are more consistent, you could maybe go more along the lines of the first verse here.

Bridge:

We won’t say goodbye tonight, / (There’s no goodbye tonight)
Beneath the moon and stars so bright.
Twilight fades into uncertainty,
Or what you choose to believe.
Our Everlasting Gaze brings sweet relief.
again, same as verse four.

Chorus 2/Outro:

New life has bloomed, and new life has been born,
And all the roses have shed their thorns,
We’ve changed the scenery,
And we have all we need,
Thanks to our Everlasting Gaze.

there you go.

express your feelings on this please:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=823352
#19
:Oyou write good really good,i liked it i thnk the music could be like a low mellow acoustic tht could drive to electric rock,thanks for the crcit on my song too.
#20
Wow, amazing. The only thing I don't think fits in is: "New life begins to bloom, new life is born", I would find a way to shorten it.

Thanks for the crit once again... I'm giving like 3 sentences response to your what... 10+? I feel bad. =[

But this is truly a great piece.
#21
Umm, thhis is a good one. I love the lyrics but I feel as though maybe they need a little tweaking. possibly instead of "unguided Souls" maybe "Lonely Souls." This may change the meaning however i think the song would mean alot more if it was about two lonely people who find hope in each others eyes. I'm so sorry if i have stepped on your artistic soul or something like that but it was just a thought. Great song though. I really Love your stuff.