#1
Our love is getting cold
Although I never thought it would get sold
I think we’re going down
South for the winter

We might be heading south but
I don’t think it’s going to get much warmer
Than it already it is

Well the waves might be warm
But the wind is so cold

So we’re drifting, on and on
On this ship that we call love
The wind is in our face
Working against us

We try to hold on but
The wind makes the waves so tempting
I think I'm going to let go

Well the waves might be warm
But the wind is so cold
I know the waves are warm
So I’m gonna let go

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
Last edited by tatorbits at May 4, 2008,
#4
thank you

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#6
Quote by tatorbits
Our love is getting cold
Although I didn’t think it’d ever get old
I think we’re heading south
South for the winter

Cold and old are too cliched for rhyme, it's too obvious.

We might be heading south but
I don’t think it’s going to get much warmer
Than it already it is

You've used the word 'south' three times in three lines, I think that's over doing it a bit, it interrupts the flow. I like the last two lines of this though, it's a great idea.

Well the waves might be warm
But the wind is so cold

Again, the repetition of the word 'warm' seems to obvious, I think that it could be emphasised in a more effective way. Warm and cold are pretty bland words, try spicing it up.

So we’re drifting, on and on
On this ship that we call love
We’re barely hanging on
As we’re heading south

'Barely hanging on' seems a little pushed in there. You haven't introduced the idea before and I don't think that doing it in this way is a great idea, do you get what I mean? Also, you use the word 'on' four times in three lines here, OTT.

We only have one last thread
To hold us as we look ahead
I think I want to let go

The 'one last thread' thing... one last thread of what? Do you understand what I mean, you need to introduce the idea before doing something with it. You could probably make the 'want to let go' line more effective by phrasing it better too.

Well the waves might be warm
But the wind is so cold
I know the waves are warm
So I’m gonna let go

This rounds it off well but again, I personally think that the word 'warm' is too weak to be repeated and relied on so heavily.



I really like the idea and a lot of the imagery here is great, but it needs a good read over and an edit up to make it more effective. Same with some of your other pieces on here, you have great ideas but something seems to get lost in production and you need to work on that. Sorry if this seemed over-critical, I really do quite like this but there's a fair bit to focus on that can be improved.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
okay thanks ill see what i can do

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix