#1
C4C


Caught in a heart beat
Your taking me down into comfort
I pull on the moves that make love
I'm so close for you and me
I only hope to make you see
That in this moment i finally show you what is me

(chorus)
Tonight, i hope to keep you alive as I
I'm so caught up in your deep blue eyes
The silky touch, your skin pressed against mine
So deep in me i'm feeling what my brother always told me
I'm so lost in my, self satifaction, your attraction
I worked things out to make this happen tonight

My mind is in the moment
Rushing words and ways to show it
I tend to make the slurs sound better
Your temple and my chest
Won't settle down the beat of your heart
You always keep me on you
I want you to feel as good as you look

(chorus)

Tonight
The way everyday should end
You made it better for us to finally admit
That we were needed
To wipe up the wounds that bleeded
Like the heart that is mine
A way to pass the time

(Chorus)
#2
Caught in a heart beat
Your taking me down into comfort
I pull on the moves that make love
I'm so close for you and me
I only hope to make you see
That in this moment i finally show you what is me


I'm not too fond of this verse, apart from the final 2 lines. I like the idea of "showing what is me" but the rest of it seems a little cliched, like I've heard it before. The line "I pull on the moves that make love" really doesn't seem to fit. I'd consider re-writing this line, perhaps taking the heart beat idea a step further.

(chorus)
Tonight, i hope to keep you alive as I
I'm so caught up in your deep blue eyes
The silky touch, your skin pressed against mine
So deep in me i'm feeling what my brother always told me
I'm so lost in my, self satifaction, your attraction
I worked things out to make this happen tonight


I like this chorus, but there are a few things within it that seem forced, as if they are there simply to make a rhyme. "I'm so caught up in your deep blue eyes" and "The silky touch, your skin pressed against mine" are again a somewhat overused cliche in this type of song. I like the final two lines alot, especially the penultimate line, as the rhyming in the line creates a nice bit of rhythm as the chorus comes to an end.


My mind is in the moment
Rushing words and ways to show it
I tend to make the slurs sound better
Your temple and my chest
Won't settle down the beat of your heart
You always keep me on you
I want you to feel as good as you look


I think this is the weakest verse of them all, as you seem to have lost all idea of your rhyme scheme. I think this verse could be re-written to suit the song better. The idea you have in the verse is good, but you haven't managed to make it stand out to me.

(chorus)

Tonight
The way everyday should end
You made it better for us to finally admit
That we were needed
To wipe up the wounds that bleeded
Like the heart that is mine
A way to pass the time

(Chorus)


Again this seems like the rhymes in the verse are forced, but the first 3 lines I really like. The idea of "wiping up bleeding wounds" is a little weak, as I don't think this is something that would "make it better to admit" and is also quite a cliche. The final 2 lines are the strongest of the verse in my opinion, as I really like the idea of the heart being a way to pass the time

--------------------------------------------


Hope the crit doesn't seem too harsh mate, and if it does I apologise. I think you have the basis for a very good song here, but you will just have to work a little on it and you should be able to get across what you want much easier than you are finding it now. Also, if you used punctuation in your pieces it would really help the readers to try and imagine the rhythm you have in your head for the song, which in turn might make it easier to notice where you are going wrong.

All in all I enjoyed reading the piece, thanks for posting it up. Could you return the crit on my latest piece, "Our Everlasting Gaze"? I'd really appreciate it if you could take a look at it, thanks alot man!

Here's the link: Our Everlasting Gaze
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Mar 26, 2008,
#4
lol yeah the flow doesn't even work when me and my mates are playin it....maybe I should switch it up
#5
It could just be something as simple as getting rid of a few words that don't need to be there. Have a read over it and I'm sure you'll find that there are a few words which you could get rid of which in turn would hepl the piece flow a lot better.

Hope that helps you man! Did you manage to check my piece out yet?