#1
This is for my english homework. we have to write about the first time we did something. i chose my first school concert.

Im not the worlds greatest writer but i think this is ok

tell me what you think

‘That was defiantly going to be a hard act to follow…’ I thought as the band struck their final chord. Shouts of “Go Eddie!” and “You rock!” could be heard from the crowd over the applause. The lights flickered on and I saw the crowd. About 50 or so people. most of them parents and students although there were several teachers.

“We will now have a short break before the first act. We will be back in 10 minutes.”
I sighed as I went out to get a drink to try to clear my head a bit. Defiantly going to be hard…

“Hey Kyle.” It was Josh. “ What song are you doing first? I need to tell the sound guy.” He explained.
“Oh Ummm… I guess I’ll do kick start my heart. You know the Motley Crue one? The CD should be in the second drawer next to the sound desk…”
“OK don’t screw up” he joked.

Don’t screw up… Great….

I still had quite a bit of time left before I was up so I decided to go check my amp. Although it wasn’t the Biggest one there but it was by far the loudest with two 50 watt speakers.

Hmm 5 more minutes… I guess I’ll go talk to Josh.

“Your up in three minutes” Josh said
“Five actually.”
“Well whatever. Is this the right CD?”
“Yeah the white one with the snake.”
“OK. Well you better get ready.”

“Our next act is Kyle Stewart. He will be playing The song ‘Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue’.” And then ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath on guitar.

So there I was standing on stage with my guitar. The CD started and I started with Kickstart my heart. The PA could hardly be heard over the sound of my own playing but I could make out most of the words.
I let the final note ring a little. The applause and cheering told me I did alright but not great.


What do you think so far?

I know its REALY bad but meh...
#2
No meh. Just really bad. Sorry.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#4
Quote by the_poison125

**** happens i knew it was bad anyway. =P

Well, if you gave me the context of the assignment, I could make a better judgement.

But as a standalone piece, the writing couldn't be any more generic. You don't offer any insights or emotional sensibility. There are no real literary techniques being developed in the writing. It's merely a cold, hard account of what happened, which to the average reader, couldn't care less about.

But maybe that's all your teacher wanted. A sterile account. In that case, it's fine.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#5
Quote by Xiaoxi
Well, if you gave me the context of the assignment, I could make a better judgement.

But as a standalone piece, the writing couldn't be any more generic. You don't offer any insights or emotional sensibility. There are no real literary techniques being developed in the writing. It's merely a cold, hard account of what happened, which to the average reader, couldn't care less about.

But maybe that's all your teacher wanted. A sterile account. In that case, it's fine.


well the idea was that it was a recount of what happens but we get to change it a little bit to make it more interesting.

how do you suggest i could make it better?
#7
Quote by the_poison125
well the idea was that it was a recount of what happens but we get to change it a little bit to make it more interesting.

how do you suggest i could make it better?


Change everybody's name to Colin
#8
You need to put in more emotions, different styles of writing, and detailed description. As said before, it sounds just like a description of what happened, and also not in much detail.
#9
Quote by Chozz
You need to put in more emotions, different styles of writing, and detailed description. As said before, it sounds just like a description of what happened, and also not in much detail.


Yeah this is the draft. il use more decription but im not so good when it comes to emotions. any tips?
#10
The Pit is not your narrative writer, however I"ll provide a tip or two.

Use words that not many people know, when you're being marked, and the teacher sees a word no one else has used, you'll get marked up for sophisticated language because it makes it look like you have a large vocabulary

e.g. When <name> walked up the steps, any moxie he had was replaced with a nagging feeling of being vexed, the audience infront of him stared expectantly as he requested the sound controller to start the track. The metronome counted him in and each beat of the metronome was a cold steel knife in his heart.
#11
Thesaurus. And fix up some of the capitalisation.
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#12
Quote by XianXiuHong
The Pit is not your narrative writer, however I"ll provide a tip or two.

Use words that not many people know, when you're being marked, and the teacher sees a word no one else has used, you'll get marked up for sophisticated language because it makes it look like you have a large vocabulary

e.g. When <name> walked up the steps, any moxie he had was replaced with a nagging feeling of being vexed, the audience infront of him stared expectantly as he requested the sound controller to start the track. The metronome counted him in and each beat of the metronome was a cold steel knife in his heart.


Well i think comapring this to some of the others ive read from other people mine is (possibly) one of the more origional.

most of them are "one day..." and are about how they felt on the first day of high school.

bassicly there all going to be the same (sort of anyway).

well thats bassed of the few ive read.
#13
Quote by the_poison125
Well i think comapring this to some of the others ive read from other people mine is (possibly) one of the more origional.

most of them are "one day..." and are about how they felt on the first day of high school.

bassicly there all going to be the same (sort of anyway).

well thats bassed of the few ive read.



Yeah, basically through high school you get three kinds of stories.

Dumbass ones, written by the idiots, their stories lack structure, have plot-holes, are poorly worded and usually contain much violence without much understanding of why it happened.

Average ones, written by the people who aren't quite dumb and not king/queen of the english language, their stories are usually cliche, have some, but most of the time, not enough structure, can get boring to read and the choice of wording is usually very basic.

Holy ****ing ****, where the **** did you learn to write like that ones, someone who can write stories equivalent to Paul Gilbert's level of playing/composing.
#14
Quote by XianXiuHong
The Pit is not your narrative writer, however I"ll provide a tip or two.

Use words that not many people know, when you're being marked, and the teacher sees a word no one else has used, you'll get marked up for sophisticated language because it makes it look like you have a large vocabulary

e.g. When <name> walked up the steps, any moxie he had was replaced with a nagging feeling of being vexed, the audience infront of him stared expectantly as he requested the sound controller to start the track. The metronome counted him in and each beat of the metronome was a cold steel knife in his heart.


Dude just hand that in.
#15
Use more emotive language.
Also, try to avoid using the same word twice within 1, or 2 sentences.

For example (I did this quickly, am doing a couple of assignments right now),

Each beat was crucial, the time had come. As I prepared for my solo, a lethal fear arose in the pits of my stomach; what if they didn’t like it? Each second of the intermission disarmed me of weapons known as confidence, contentment, and wisdom. Sweat cascaded down my forehead, gradually dissolving into a desolate chasm. 3, The tension ascended, 2, it was near, 1, my solo had come.

See? Descriptive language.
#16
Quote by XianXiuHong
Yeah, basically through high school you get three kinds of stories.

Dumbass ones, written by the idiots, their stories lack structure, have plot-holes, are poorly worded and usually contain much violence without much understanding of why it happened.

Average ones, written by the people who aren't quite dumb and not king/queen of the english language, their stories are usually cliche, have some, but most of the time, not enough structure, can get boring to read and the choice of wording is usually very basic.

Holy ****ing ****, where the **** did you learn to write like that ones, someone who can write stories equivalent to Paul Gilbert's level of playing/composing.

no way!
you mean that with stories, unlike everything else that people do, they can be either bad, alright, or good??

wow.
thats amazing!

....

edit:
on topic though, i dont know what the story is meant to be about (anything?), but what i like to do when im given a creative writing task is, rather than recount an event, just work on what it means.

for example, i recently wrote one about a kid who killed a duck while playing golf. i didnt say "and he hit the ball and it hit the duck in the head and the duck flailed and then the duck died", i wrote how he felt:
"he bent down to look at the ball and the rain dripped into his eyes. another reason why he loved playing in the rain. the blind shot. he drew his shot back, wondering if his target was even still there."
thats a paraphrase of what i wrote. as you can see, nothing even happened, but i told a lot about what was going on around the event, as opposed to what actually happened in the event.
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Last edited by instagata0 at Mar 26, 2008,
#17
Ick...

Please don't put all this pretentious bull**** in that people are recommending

The subject matter doesn't really lend itself to emotive imagery and poetics.
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#18
Quote by Rankles
Ick...

Please don't put all this pretentious bull**** in that people are recommending

The subject matter doesn't really lend itself to emotive imagery and poetics.


That totaly didn't make sense.
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#19
Quote by XianXiuHong
The Pit is not your narrative writer, however I"ll provide a tip or two.

Use words that not many people know, when you're being marked, and the teacher sees a word no one else has used, you'll get marked up for sophisticated language because it makes it look like you have a large vocabulary

e.g. When <name> walked up the steps, any moxie he had was replaced with a nagging feeling of being vexed, the audience infront of him stared expectantly as he requested the sound controller to start the track. The metronome counted him in and each beat of the metronome was a cold steel knife in his heart.

Sorry but thats terrible
#20
Why do people seem to equate good writing with big words and such? The objective isn't to make the reader feel stupid and thus look clever by comparison.

And that's why Kerouac rocks! He just writes as he thinks, without stopping, without caring if phrases are clumsy or whatever and it's just class, unpretensious and true.

Anyway, it's easy to follow and stuff. It doesn't really seem to have a plot, but for writing- I wouldn't call it bad. I mean, we know what's going on at all times and such.
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#21
lawlz u did bad but u shd b ashamed for posting it on the pit.
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#22
Quote by Rankles
Ick...

Please don't put all this pretentious bull**** in that people are recommending

The subject matter doesn't really lend itself to emotive imagery and poetics.

Why? He could include feelings of nerves etc to up the tension...
It all helps, right?
#23
Quote by xC0ldBl00dx
Sorry but thats terrible



I made it up on the spot, I didn't put much thought into it, I just wrote.

But I'd like to see you write something off the top of your head that doesn't sound terrible
#24
Quote by XianXiuHong
I made it up on the spot, I didn't put much thought into it, I just wrote.

But I'd like to see you write something off the top of your head that doesn't sound terrible


Don't get overly defensive. Not everything written spontaneously sounds terrible.
#25
Quote by Hobolad
Why do people seem to equate good writing with big words and such? The objective isn't to make the reader feel stupid and thus look clever by comparison.

I agree.

The important thing to do with words is diction. If the diction calls for using an uncommon word, that's fine. But using "big words" just to sound more intelligent is superficial.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#28
First suggestion: stop mixing up 'defiantly' and 'definitely'.

Secondly, it's just too boring. You're slipping into 'I did this. Then I did that'. Describe how you do things, what nerves you're feeling and how to take your mind off them. Describe what you're feeling as you play the song, not just that you start playing and then let the final note ring when you stop. Write about your senses to emphasise the atmosphere. It will make it more personal and interesting. Don't mindlessly put in long adjectives but make sure it's interesting, you want to communicate the tension in your writing.
#29
Quote by SmarterChild
First suggestion: stop mixing up 'defiantly' and 'definitely'.

Secondly, it's just too boring. You're slipping into 'I did this. Then I did that'. Describe how you do things, what nerves you're feeling and how to take your mind off them. Describe what you're feeling as you play the song, not just that you start playing and then let the final note ring when you stop. Write about your senses to emphasise the atmosphere. It will make it more personal and interesting. Don't mindlessly put in long adjectives but make sure it's interesting, you want to communicate the tension in your writing.


blame my ****ty spell checker for the first one.

and yes i am working on descriptive writting. this was an unfinished draft i guess.