#1
Shaking under coffins.
Dirty lovers loving.
Violent fuckers fucking.
Hogtied in a hogpen.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Money spending missions.
Fountain pen adventures.
Ginger kids with lisps.
A great pool-hall for writers and pigskin whizzers.
I'm just a normal, everyday number.
I have a hard time opening my eyes underwater.
The new gets old.
The hot gets cold.
And we fuck until we're Hedosapians.

"Stealing your wife from underneath your fat fucking nose."

I'm like Neil Young traveling the seas -
Except I'm riding a horse that's more depressed than crazy.
Poor advice.
#3
The references were good as usual. I liked the crazy horse play on words as the ending. That was a nice touch. Not your best but an enjoyable, solid piece.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
I really liked this. It's got lots of nice wordplay.

You know what would be pretty cool? In the last line, if you substituted a word that starts with a "c" that is a synonym for depressed. Like, to add alliteration. I'm not even sure that a word like that exists, but it's just a subjective little thought.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#6
Quote by K-Lizzle
I really liked this. It's got lots of nice wordplay.

You know what would be pretty cool? In the last line, if you substituted a word that starts with a "c" that is a synonym for depressed. Like, to add alliteration. I'm not even sure that a word like that exists, but it's just a subjective little thought.


Crestfallen?

Anyways, I enjoyed it as usual. The middle stanza is by far my favourite part. Good work.
#7
I really like the title, the first four lines, and "Ginger kids with lisps."
All around pretty good, and the shout out to Neil is awesome.
"Ginger kids with lisps" was my most memorable.
#8
I'm not sure if you are familiar with John Steinbeck's work. But for some reason your style reminds me of his. Very nice writing.
#9
This is a really interesting piece, I especially like the opening stanza. It's very strong and the alliteration helps create a nice rhythm.

Another set of lines I really liked were "And the new gets old, the hot goes cold".

All in all, the piece promotes a sense of hostility in the reader, and that seems as if its what you were trying to get across. Great work man, really nice writing. If you get the cahnce could you take a look at my latest song, Our Everlasting Gaze? The link is in my sig, thanks in advance!
#10
This piece was very nice. I can connect with what you're saying too.

My favorite part:

'I'm like Neil Young traveling the seas -
Except I'm riding a horse that's more depressed than crazy.'

This was a really amazing and clever reference. A perfect ending to the piece.

Well done!
#11
I love the last two lines, but think that a word along the lines of 'crestfallen', as rush4life said, would fit better than 'depressed'. Nice piece!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Damn, loads of positive words. Thanks all.

Anyone wants something looked at, leave me a link.
Poor advice.
#18
There's a link in my sig if you'd take a look, thanks .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#19
I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this...which is pretty weird for me.
I really enjoyed reading it, love the way it just rolls off the tongue - without compromising any values as far as vocabulary goes. Well, the voc. usage, in general, was awesome.
The Neil Young line was certified - badass. -

Take a gander at mine? "3 Intercedes."