#1
Now that I think about it, I've started to enjoy writing so maybe I should stop being a hard ass and start taking advice. Thus, my attempt to write something with some emotion. C4C. If you owe me, and I said to do my last one, do this one. Jamie raped my soul on the last one.

roughly edited after Mat and Fred and jamie, though I'll add more as I get some time. Thanks fellas.



"Honey, could you come to my office?"

The door creaked open
and she sauntered inside softly,
coming to rest in the chair
across from my desk.

I began the monologue I'd prepared to
stroke her inner-woman.

"Let me tell you I love you
with a dozen blooming cliches
attached to stalks of
beautiful blue eyes,
sun-shining days and
long steamy nights.
Let me paint a picture of your
slender figure,
applying brush-fulls
of lovesick beauty
to create a portrait of our love."

Her face flushed and with
quivering lips, she whispered,
"This is all quite sudden,
I don't feel like I know you.
You don't tell me how you feel.
You don't tell me what you're thinking.
You don't tell me anything."

Two-years of marriage
and she still doesn't 'know me.'

She stands.
everything I've ever been sure of
struts away and the door creaks shut.

She always said I didn't talk
enough to keep her around.
I'd just assumed it was a figure of speech.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 27, 2008,
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
Now that I think about it, I've started to enjoy writing so maybe I should stop being a hard ass and start taking advice. Thus, my attempt to write something with some emotion. C4C. If you owe me, and I said to do my last one, do this one. Jamie raped my soul on the last one.


"Honey, could you come to my office?
I'd like to talk to you about something."

The door creaked open
and she sauntered softly inside,
taking the left chair
(the less comfortable of the two in my office).
I began the monologue I'd prepared.

A very nice opening on this one. It felt real and really uplifted me to straight away continue reading what eles you've to say on the next stanzas. Nicely done and you didn't over do it with the quotes this time around

"Let me tell you I love you
with a dozen blooming cliches
attached to stalks of
beautiful blue eyes,
sun-shining days and
long steamy nights.

I've never seen you attempt poetry in this degree. I applause you, although it's cheesy purely because it's about love i still applause you. Well done.

Let me paint a picture of your
slender figure,
applying stroke after stroke
of lovesick beauty
to create a portrait of our love."

Again nice. Don't forget to put open speech marks before 'Let'.

"This is all quite sudden,
I don't feel like I know you."
Two-years, and she doesn't "know me."

The door creaks again.
As it shuts, everything I've ever been sure
of struts away.

Wonderful my friend i quite enjoyed this.

She always said I didn't talk
enough to keep her around.
I thought it was a figure of speech.


Let's just skip to the end. This showed several firsts for you, I should think. This is your best yet in my opinion and i'm glad that you're still exprementing on different styles, just like me. Keep it up. It was enjoyed

PS: If you've time can you've a crack at Albert Street?
#3
Hey babe. I'm in your debt so here you go.

Quote by ZanasCross



"Honey, could you come to my office?
I'd like to talk to you about something."
I'm gonna be picky here, but the second sentence is kind of implied within the first one. I'd suggest either add something interesting to it or do without it. It doesn't add much.

The door creaked open
and she sauntered softly inside,
taking the left chair
(the less comfortable of the two in my office).
I began the monologue I'd prepared.
I'm having issues with L2. "She softly sauntered inside" or "she sauntered inside softly" makes more sense to me. Actually the second one is pretty good considering the "s" sound of inside that keeps going with your alliteration. I thought the parenthesis was pretty bluntly put. It throws the flow off and has nothing to offer as compensation.

"Let me tell you I love you
with a dozen blooming cliches
attached to stalks of
beautiful blue eyes,
sun-shining days and
long steamy nights.
The change in tone and voice here is blatant and kind of comes out of the blue. I feel like I'm reading a different piece now. This is decent writhing though, although the second line didn't win me.

Let me paint a picture of your
slender figure,
applying stroke after stroke
of lovesick beauty
to create a portrait of our love."

"This is all quite sudden,
I don't feel like I know you."
Two-years, and she doesn't "know me."
I feel like I'd need to know "two years" of what? marriage? dating? working together? idk.

The door creaks again.
As it shuts, everything I've ever been sure
of struts away.
Why did you break the lines like that? I can't seem to pick up a decent flow here. Wouldn't putting "of" back on second line and leaving "struts away" alone in the last add much impact?

She always said I didn't talk
enough to keep her around.
I thought it was a figure of speech.
fun little twist here at the end.


This piece was like a rough draft to me. The change in tone I mentioned is pretty disturbing and really threw me off, even upon second reading. Other than that you had some decent bit here and there.

This seems like an outline. Here you have what you want to say. Now you do need to work on it, help the flow, get some themes going and add interesting figures to the more blatant lines. It seems like you went for a more eloquent piece, well you have to make up for it.

Perhaps the things I complained about (change in tone, etc) were what you were going for, if so, maybe it wasn't done efficiently enough.

What I would suggest as priorities :
-Add more descriptions to the characters and their background story(ies). (how do they know each others etc) and things about their personalities. Because right now they just seem like that generic character dummy that you use because you have to. Make them less boring. Sometimes just a small detail or two thrown in a line can make a huge difference.
-Make your mind on the tone you want to use for this. What feeling do you want to express through this piece? What do you want the reader to get out of it? etc.
-Get the flow fixed. You have some parts in where it's pretty hard to get a decent one going.
-Polish-up


I've been pretty rough. I didn't mention much of the things I liked but there were quite a few. I think this is promising. As a blueprint, it works. As a standalone piece of poetry, I'd say this definitely need work .

Take care,
-Mat
#4
very nice. i have to say that the monologue was the best part; it's what made the piece stick out to me, and i could completely comprehend the amount of control that "you" the architect had over how you wanted this to be viewed.
kudo's.
everything else, though....i think circular.parade put it best with "rough draft?" maybe not my choice of words for it, but it just doesn't seem very solid. could've had a more feasable flow?
all in all, however, i am impressed with the entire thing just from the monologue.

i know it wasn't much of a crit, but if you find time, my newest is "3 Intercedes."
#5
It's definitely better than the original, which I could read in the first crit. The beginning flows much better without that parentheses, but I guess I'm herer to talk about the original.

I love the first stanza. Maybe it's just because I'm an alliteration *****, but I love reading things that are fun to read out loud. It never gets any better than that. I'd probably seperate the "Two years" part into it's own seperate couplet, kind of like the "monologue" part earlier on. It would look better in my opinion, since it would seperate the speakers.

Other than that, I have no beef with anything really. I liked the second couplet a lot, and you definitely know how to write sir. Your middle stanza flows very well, and I definitely enjoyed reading it. It kept me going throughout, looking forward to the next part, which is the most I can ask out of the things I read.

Thanks for the comments on my stuff.

EDIT: Oh come on, whore is censored?
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Now that I think about it, I've started to enjoy writing so maybe I should stop being a hard ass and start taking advice. Thus, my attempt to write something with some emotion. C4C. If you owe me, and I said to do my last one, do this one. Jamie made sweet love to me on the last one.



"Honey, could you come to my office?"

The door creaked open
and she sauntered inside softly,
taking the left chair.
"left" seems extraneous because it doesn't add anything, it feels unnecessary and tacked on for extra description of the scene. Maybe you could describe how she sits down to emphasis you're sauntering softly of the opening lines? Depending, it could seem to waffly for an opening so I'd ust cut the "left".

I began the monologue I'd prepared to
stroke her inner-woman.
I absoloutely bloody-doodily laughed out loud at this line. That may be just me, but I loved it. It read with such a tongue-in-cheek tone.

"Let me tell you I love you
with a dozen blooming cliches
I still don't like this line. I can see how it can work, but I think there's better things you could use.
attached to stalks of
beautiful blue eyes,
Every beautiful girls eyes are blue for some reason. I'm just saying. Does the blue have any real significance?
sun-shining days and
long steamy nights.
Let me paint a picture of your
slender figure,
applying stroke after stroke
of lovesick beauty
to create a portrait of our love."
The stroke here I don't like purely because it makes the above line weaker in impact. I felt this part was okay, though I thin you could be using some more phonetic techniques here to emphasise meaning and improve the read-aloud of the piece.

Her face flushed and with
quivering lips, she whispered,
"This is all quite sudden,
I don't feel like I know you."

Two-years of marriage
Glad you added in the marriage. It was vague to begin with.
and she still doesn't 'know me.'

The door creaks again.
As it shuts, everything I've ever been sure of
struts away.
This read a bit wrongly for me. It reads like the door shuts, then she walks away (and I thought she walked into the door).

She always said I didn't talk
enough to keep her around.
I'd just assumed it was a figure of speech.

This is a goodish end. It would have been introduced the figure of speech idea earlier though. It feels like the seeds haven't really been sown for the ending. I mean, it's a punchline this end one, in all fact and actuality, and it feels like there has been no set-up for it. I mean, I guess with your "monolouge" it was supposed to introduce the figure of speeh idea, but when I here the phrase "figure of speech" it brings to mind often-used phrases such as "turn a phrase" or "give me a hand", not rhetoric devices such as imagery and metaphor. Idk, I felt the ending sort of came out of the blue a bit.


Then again, perhaps the blind and harsh bastard came out again. Who knows.