#1
waiting
on tip-toes
for the moment she'll cry out
for a hero

in darkness
or daytime
in cape and buckled boot
he'll avenge crime

to save her
from the kiss
of a man who's not afraid
to throw a fist

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

sweating
from the fear
of not knowing if he's far
or if he's near

begging
for help now
though the shadows of the night
they can do now't

but he's watching
with hawk eyes
just sizing up the dangers
before he strikes

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

and like an exception to the rules
he'll strike and wait not a moment more
to run from the scene

what a mystery man

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

only over the phone would they get close
for the damsels had too much to lose
and like treading barefoot on glass
he would murmur I love you

oooh


C4c. Tell me if I forgot you from last time.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 27, 2008,
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
waiting
on tip-toes
for the moment she'll cry out
for a hero

in darkness
or daytime
in cape and buckled boot
he'll avenge crime

For once... I actually enjoy one of your songs. Normally I find them either executed in a sub-par way or like a one trick pony (girls) however this has really caught my attention and got me into it. I love the flow and intense simplicity that makes this seem so effortless.

to save her
from the kiss
of a man who's not afraid
to throw a fist

Ok... your rhyme was appalling... I hated it. You had to word the last line strangely and not said as well as you should to make the rhyme. This whole verse just seemed sub-par after the other two. I'd assume you know that already.

towards her
a beater
house kandinsky is the place
that he would save her

Ok, I'm sick of 'save her.' And I don't get the "kandinsky" referenceeither. but that's probably just me. Also, I guess I'm sick of hte short blunt and stabby style now. It's starting to grate on me because I feel like I'm reading broken sentences and after a while it starts to make my brain tired.

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

love the punny idea in the last line. I don't get how riding a horse with a sword makes him a "renegade" to the norm... wouldn't laying on a horse with a blindfold on and an axe be more of a renegade. Jk.

sweating
it's the nerves
of not knowing when he'll turn
up to serve her

and begging
for help now
but the shadows of the night
they can't do now't

watching
with hawk eyes
just sizing up the dangers
before he strikes

in order
to make those
who mess around his girls
become exposed

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

and like an exception to the rules
he'll strike and wait not a moment more
to run from the scene

what a mystery man

like a renegade of the norm
he'll ride in on the back of a horse
with his sword already drawn
so sharp and to the point

only over the phone would they get close
for the damsels had too much to lose
and like treading barefoot on glass
he would murmur I love you

oooh




Sorry, I got tired of making pretty much the same comment over and over again. Thus, I'll just sum up my thoughts here. Basically, I loved the start and it started out strong... and the short stubby lines worked well. However, by the end it seemed to be more about keeping the style of half thoughts and whatnot, and there didn't seem to be enough content to make the lines work. I guess, it seemed like you had scraped a story across to many lines... and so each line didn't pack as much punch as it should have. My advice on this one would be, condense and give the piece a little more oomph by making each line more meaningful.

I hope that makes sense.

-zC

If you could get to "figure of speech" (sig) if you could.
#6
Thanks dudes and Zach. Edited on your suggestions. Though I disagree on kiss/fist verse

Still awaiting you Kyle.
#7
To a certain extent I'm going to agree with zC. It begins very well; and it's not neccessarily that you did a bad job...you just played it very safe. I haven't really got to read anything else from you, but this is my take:
Most of it was just basic 4-line stanza, and the most you stretched your vocabulary was with "house kandinsky." You wrote this well for what it is, but it almost seemed "written too easily?" Feel free to correct me if I'm throwing feathers to the wind, but it really bothers me when I see someone not willing to push the envelope.

if you'd like to, my latest is "3 Intercedes."
#8
I keep hearing the Bond theme while I read this, or some 60's spy song. Something Tarantino would use in a film, haha. It's good for the style it's written in, I think you got as much as you could out of the subject matter. I kept waiting for the whole thing to reveal some elaborate metaphor, but I guess that was wishful thinking, because I didn't expect this to really be so straightforward. I'm sorry, I guess this crit wasn't too helpful.
#9
i loved the rhyme.

i didn't really like the style, but that's not your fault. it's well-written for the style that you were going for. one thing i noticed was that the last two lines are such a drastic change from the rest of the piece. i feel like maybe you should find a way to make this change feel less sudden. i don't know.

I just want to sleep forever.