#1
A ghost’s party; draped in soft moonlight
In an empty park at midnight
With diamond encrusted wine glasses
Carefully placed next to every silver lined platter
On every heavy wooden dinner table…
Hesitant, silent, at rest with a world you don’t understand
From behind a gathering of dustbins, you observe;
The dim patches of light laughing regally in front of you
You, crouched there in your blind spot
Hearing the soft hum of a security camera
With the city council number typed on the side
Which you will call in the morning
Finding that they have mysteriously misplaced
The tape from the night before.
Still, silent, damp and freezing, you observe.

I haven't written anything in months and I'm trying to get out of writer's block... so critique would be very nice indeed! I'm not that great at it myself but I'll give your pieces a read and see if I can...
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Mar 26, 2008,
#2
Quote by DigUpHerBones
A ghost’s party; draped in soft moonlight
In an empty park at midnight
With diamond encrusted wine glasses
Carefully placed next to every silver lined platter
On every heavy wooden dinner table…
Hesitant, silent, at rest with a world you don’t understand
From behind a gathering of dustbins, you observe;
The dim patches of light laughing regally in front of you
You, crouched there in your blind spot
Hearing the soft hum of a security camera
With the city council number typed on the side
Which you will call in the morning
Finding that they have mysteriously misplaced
The tape from the night before.
Still, silent, damp and freezing, you observe.

I haven't written anything in months and I'm trying to get out of writer's block... so critique would be very nice indeed! I'm not that great at it myself but I'll give your pieces a read and see if I can...

I will crit this properly when I get chance to sit down for an hour!

I really love where you're going with this. Your choice of words, your structure, and it's even better since your going through writer's block!

I havn't really looked into it deeply enough yet, to understand it's true meaning but I gather it's about somebody watching ghosts secretly. Why is this? Is the person a ghost themselves? I'm very interested.

Overall, a very nice piece. Especially since you're going through writers block!
#3
Don't have time to critique right now, but I'll be back. Thanks for checking out mine.
#5
I dont agree, I feel it says everything that needs to be said.

I really like it, and I usually dont like stuff like this!
Diezel, Motherfucker
#6
Thanks.
I know it probably feels like it was cut short, but I think it says what I want it to with what I've already written. Would you have any suggestions for where you would make it go, Alix?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I thought it was quite descriptive, and enjoyed the line of thought you were following but then it seemed like you gave up and just wrapped it up and left.

This could be developed much more and I think you know that. I can relate to writer's block, but I think you need to sit on this piece a while longer. It can really turn to something great.
This is not a pipe