#1
Okay, these are the first poems/lyrics I have written. I wanted to start expressing my thoughts and feelings through another medium other than guitar, and I just sat down today and wrote these two pieces in about twenty minutes. I'm not sure about the quality of them, and I think they need editing and refining but I wanted to share them with UG and see what people thought of them. I can only post one today, so I will just post the first one I wrote.

Unitled #1:

Looking at you, standing there.
You’ve got black fingernails, and a broach in your hair.
But why is it that this spoils our view?
Is it the grips of our minds, or is it just simply you?

I take a walk outside, to grab some fresh air.
I look around at the world, around at the fair.
I hear the children’s laughter, so why do I curse?
I hear the sound of society, and my minds transverse.

I see him and her, out of their minds.
They’re standing with love, standing so blind.
And they’re staring at me. Looking through the fog.
If only they could see the life, the life received from God.

And then I’m walking home once more.
I find myself dreaming, absorbed in galore.
If they could only see me now.
They’d see my life. They’d see this vow.
Last edited by redh0tchilip3pp at Mar 26, 2008,
#2
Are you in my head man? I haven't been writing recently but, in my opinion, that was really good, deep thoughts being put onto paper successfully can be hard but I think you did it really well.

The rhyme worked nicely with the poem, didn't seem like you really wanted to, it just flowed really nicely.

I hear the children’s laughter, so why do I curse?
I hear the sound of society, and my minds transverse.

I loved this part, could maybe be laid out slightly better, but the idea is poignant and concise.

I like the last verse too, I know where you're coming from with it.


For a first attempt I really liked it, you could edit it and make its texture flow better, but I like it as the raw piece it is. Good work
#3
I like the idea of it, but think that some of the rhymes are either too obvious or too forced, like 'air' and 'fair', but I'm sure other's wouldn't agree with that (like wiggy!). For the first poem you've written it's excellent though, especially the last part!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Very good for your first!
I like the flow and the rhymes, they all work together well.
It seems like there's a really deep feeling or thought behind this and it's not so easy to put those things into words.
And it's layed out nicely as well.


Love the Low end
#5
It's not bad by first piece standards, but you need alot of work.

Almost all of the rhyming seemed forced to me, but honestly, to make a set of lyrics work sometimes you just have to do that, which is a shame. The "minds transverse" line is the best example of this.

A little stale, but not dismissable.
Sorry if I didn't help.

Btw, is this a religous piece?
Poor advice.
#6
Quote by stellar_legs
It's not bad by first piece standards, but you need alot of work.

Almost all of the rhyming seemed forced to me, but honestly, to make a set of lyrics work sometimes you just have to do that, which is a shame. The "minds transverse" line is the best example of this.

A little stale, but not dismissable.
Sorry if I didn't help.

Btw, is this a religous piece?

No, don't worry about it! I didn't really force the rhyming though. That's just what happened to come out.

And, no it's not religious to be specific. It's more about philosophy, and life.

I suppose the more I write, the more I will improve!

Thanks for the crit.
#7
First off, cheers for looking at my latest piece, much appreciated.

For a first piece, this is hugely impressive pal. It has a rhythm which is present throughout, and this helps with any form of writing, be it lyrics, poetry, prose, and you seem to have a talent for it.

The only think I think you could work on here would be the rhyme of "air and fair". My reasoning behind this is that it seems like it was an easy rhyme for you to fit in, and I think you could find something better for it, as you have throughout the rest of the piece.

I hope to read more from you in the future!
#8
Quote by TobyFellrunners
First off, cheers for looking at my latest piece, much appreciated.

For a first piece, this is hugely impressive pal. It has a rhythm which is present throughout, and this helps with any form of writing, be it lyrics, poetry, prose, and you seem to have a talent for it.

The only think I think you could work on here would be the rhyme of "air and fair". My reasoning behind this is that it seems like it was an easy rhyme for you to fit in, and I think you could find something better for it, as you have throughout the rest of the piece.

I hope to read more from you in the future!

Wow, thankyou!

And yeah, I now notice that that is a very poor rhyme, but I just sorta wrote it without thinking!

Thanks for all the good crit people.
#9
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
Wow, thankyou!

And yeah, I now notice that that is a very poor rhyme, but I just sorta wrote it without thinking!

Thanks for all the good crit people.


That's the thing when you first write seriously, you write stuff that seems perfect one moment, then when you go over it again, you question does it actually serve a purpose, or could it be changed or even axed completely. But as long as you keep on the way you are going I'm certain we will be seeing excellent work from you in the future!
#10
I'm just probably echoing above sentiments, but seeing as it's your first, it's not too bad. The rhyming I think is what really does it in, seeing as much of it seems forced. I still fall victim to the rhyming game, but I really try to think about a line after I've written it to see if I really need that word in there to make it work. Other than that, I can see some potential, so just keep trying new styles out, and I'm sure you'll come up with some good stuff.

Thanks for reading mine.
#12
It's probably all personal taste. I enjoy rhymes quite a bit, and sometimes they can sound great. Other times they hinder a piece, because it looks like just wrote the next line so it would rhyme with the last. The latter is something you'd want to avoid. I'm all for rhyming as long as it feels like a natural expression.
#13
Quote by rush4life
It's probably all personal taste. I enjoy rhymes quite a bit, and sometimes they can sound great. Other times they hinder a piece, because it looks like just wrote the next line so it would rhyme with the last. The latter is something you'd want to avoid. I'm all for rhyming as long as it feels like a natural expression.

Yeah, I was aiming at the latter. I don't feel as if I wrote any lines just to rhyme. They all mean something to me. But yeah, I'll agree some of the rhymes seem too obvious.
#14
Don't get too hung up on it, it's much better than my first ones...which will be seen in the "First Pieces" thread soon enough

You can look at those for examples of how not to rhyme.
#15
I apprecite the comments on my piece. This is pretty solid. A lot of the rhyming in some spots sounds forced, but you deffinately have a good concept. For instance.....Air and fair are way to close. When writing you should try and stay away from a rhyme scheme and work on the flow of the piece itself. Rhymes will find themselves.
#16
Hey bud. Like you said, it's not my tastes, but it's sounds good to me. Good use of words, poetic etc.
Keep it up