#1
Okay, so this is my first post in Songwriting and Lyrics. This is a song I wrote about 6 months ago but only just thought to get some criticism.

What will you do on that fateful day?
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
Will you keep my hand in the tightest hold
And freeze time forever

It's true that in life
I escaped your gaze
You were planning for your future
But every second was a second wasted

When you spend your life planning for tomorrow
Your existence melts away
With no intention of remorse
Or for one moment looking back

But I still must ask
What will you do on that fateful day?
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
Will you keep my hand in the tightest hold
And freeze time forever

Now that I have reached my final hour
And my life is set before me
Even though you never spoke a word
I have my answer

I know where you'll be on this fateful day
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
You won't be here as the flowers fold
I will die oblivious to you

You will never know how I loved...
Quote by Aftertime
Thanks Mr. Heafyman! you're an absolute legend
Quote by Ex'sAndOh's
Porn is everywhere. Look around.
Porn is in the forest, in your parents bedroom, in the sea.
But most importantly, in your heart.
Quote by Hypnotisation
I take dumps all the time! I R TURDBURGLAR!
#2
i like it, i don't normally use a chorus in my writing because it just seems to get repetitive. but your chorus is beautifuly dscriptive, and changes slightly at the end, which breaks repetitiveness of the song. i think it is a really good piece, just i dont know something seems off about it and i cant put my finger on it....


c4c - forever is a lie...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13514702#post13514702
#3
Quote by Heafyman

What will you do on that fateful day?
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
Will you keep my hand in the tightest hold
And freeze time forever

Crit: Tough to say here, it obviously has a good flow but it comes off as cliche. The reference to 'gray' and 'cold blood' are over used in writing.

It's true that in life
I escaped your gaze
You were planning for your future
But every second was a second wasted

When you spend your life planning for tomorrow
Your existence melts away
With no intention of remorse
Or for one moment looking back

Crit: Hmm, these two stanzas or verses work nice together. Explicit and clear, and opens up for the chorus to come in and ease it with resolution.

But I still must ask
What will you do on that fateful day?
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
Will you keep my hand in the tightest hold
And freeze time forever

Now that I have reached my final hour
And my life is set before me
Even though you never spoke a word
I have my answer

Crit: Simple. Yet I like it, it once again leads nicely up to the chorus. Maybe just revise 'final hour' to something less used. Maybe add some abstract description instead of final hour. Just an option.

I know where you'll be on this fateful day
When I leave your presence and the world turns gray
When my blood runs cold
You won't be here as the flowers fold
I will die oblivious to you

Crit: I as well liked the answer to the chorus and the altered chorus ending.

You will never know how I loved...


Nice piece. I think with a little more voice, something to really make it you and unique from other's writing, would make it shine. Obviously like you said on mine, the subject is cliche, but that is because it is a true human emotion. Just try to add some real Heafyman personality in it.

But besides that, nice job. And thank you for checking out my piece. Appreciate it.