#1
I forgot to remove my boots as I plunged into the water
Sank like a stone to the bottom of new found lake
Perspective is everything while oxygen is scarce
Not enough to think, but plenty all around to drink

Sun changes angles when it hits the top of Hampshires springs
Lingering long are the summer songs mountain birds sing
I sink to the soft soil every year I come up here
As Massachusettes changes, the Granite State stays the same

Critique for Critique.
#2
I love the first two lines, although I'd just write 'the lake'.
I'd possibly change the phrasing in 'lingering long...', I just think it sounds off.
I'd also write a kind of conclusion of the main idea at the end, to round it off.
Lovely . I really like the idea of it, and as I said, the imagery in the first two lines is great!

C4C? Link in sig, I'd be greatful .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by freshtunes
I forgot to remove my boots as I plunged into the water
I liked this beginning a lot. It almost sounds as if the person was so eager to get into the water, that removing his boots was't important at the time. Sort of like a diving into the deep end. Just my 2 cents.
Sank like a stone to the bottom of new found lake
Commiting suicide? I think so. One thing I would improve on here would be to think of a better simile other than 'sank like a stone.'
Perspective is everything while oxygen is scarce
I think this is showing that the man wanted to die, but once he has no oxygen he realises how precious life is. He gains a new 'perspective.' I liked how you put this.
Not enough to think, but plenty all around to drink
The lack of oxygen is cutting off his ability to think clear? Water is entering his system. I liked how you make something like dying sound so subtle: 'plenty to drink'.

Sun changes angles when it hits the top of Hampshires springs
I didn't understand this line. It seems like the first stanza was about somebody commiting suicde or drowning, but suddenly it's a beautiful day. I guess this adds to the irony of the piece. It's a good contrast. Yet we didn't find out what happened to the above.
Lingering long are the summer songs mountain birds sing
Once again the contrast of death and something beautiful with the birds. There is death around, yet still the birds sing. I liked how this was done.
I sink to the soft soil every year I come up here
The piece is suddenly about you? I didn't understand these last two lines. Maybe you can elaborate?
As Massachusettes changes, the Granite State stays the same

Critique for Critique.


I enjoyed this piece a lot. I like the contrast of death and a beautiful day. It was nice to read, although not everything was clear but sometimes this isn't important if the poem is enjoyable overall.
#4
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
I enjoyed this piece a lot. I like the contrast of death and a beautiful day. It was nice to read, although not everything was clear but sometimes this isn't important if the poem is enjoyable overall.

It's about going to New Found lake in New Hampshire during the summer months. You jump into the water and when you're under, you look up and realize how beautiful the day is, and how peaceful the place is overall. It actually has nothing to do with death. But I could deffinately see how you would think it is contrasting a beautiful day and death. Thanks.
Last edited by freshtunes at Mar 26, 2008,
#5
Like the poster above mentioned, the contrast of death and a beautiful day works well in this poem.

I find it easier to relate to the final stanza, as that is something closer to my style writing and you have pulled of the idea of good coming out of something bad very well. Nice work man, I loko forward to reading more of your writing!
#6
Quote by freshtunes
It's about going to New Found lake in New Hampshire during the summer months. You jump into the water and when you're under, you look up and realize how beautiful the day is, and how peaceful the place is overall. It actually has nothing to do with death. But I could deffinately see how you would think it is contrasting a beautiful day and death. Thanks.

Ahhh, okay. But that's the beauty about poetry! It can be interpreted in so many different ways.
#7
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
Ahhh, okay. But that's the beauty about poetry! It can be interpreted in so many different ways.

Exactly! Haha.