#1
c4c (leave a link), and ots,
if i dont/didnt crit back, please do get mad, and nag.


Forged from the flame,
or from the stone?
To be honest I am not so sure.

Designed by the hammer,
or by the frame, carefully drawn?
Correct me if I am terribly wrong.

Oh Beatrice, Beatrice, Beatrice,
You have made Oh, but a terrible wish,
What has defined your life?
Simple writings? or the meaning of man?

Oh but now I am straying.
Damn my insecurities.

Modeled after her life,
or like-wise the other way around?
Either way the sword was carefully confound,
to match every aspect of her life,
to its gold handle, but dull blade
Or like-wise the other way around?.

Oh Beatrice, Beatrice, Beatrice,
What a terrible wish I have made,
Love is not something to be burned,
and forged into stone.
Last edited by thefoundationof at Mar 27, 2008,
#2
First I'll just start off with saying that I think there are way too many questions in this piece. I'm not really a fan of questions in poetry when there isn't another character to begin with, and this one had about 7, if I counted correctly. These questions could be fine in another context, but as it stands they just stick out and overwhelm the reader.

Oh but now I am straying.
Damn my insecurities.


This part just falls flat. Nothing interesting here for me.

The part I liked most was probably the longer stanza, as it had some good imagery, and interesting word play. If you could find a way to stick to that sort of style for the entire piece, I think it would turn out a lot better. Also, they rhyming doesn't sound very forced, which is always a plus.

Overall I can tell it was OTS, and like a lot of stuff done on the spot, there's always a great idea that sticks out, and the rest usually isn't as good. The long stanza is what I feel is the heart, or at least the best written part of this. I think if you went back and rethought the structure of the rest of the piece, it could turn out well.

Thanks for your comments on mine.