#1
This one is kind of personal, so I apologize if it doesn't make sense. Leave a link if you want some feedback.

A thousand pointless trips
That lend themselves more
to scrapbooks than sincerity.

Vacation photos grin from a desk,
were shot with the wrong lens,
figures out of focus.

When you left the kids behind,
You never heard the end of it.
You'll always swear
you did it
unintentionally.

Only a monster,
would abandon family.
Last edited by rush4life at Mar 28, 2008,
#2
Quote by rush4life

A thousand pointless trips
That lend themselves more
to scrapbooks than sincerity.
Hmm, Kept me reading. Pretty good. Not much rhyming flow, but it does have good flow.

Vacation photos grin from a desk,
were shot with the wrong lens,
figures out of focus.
Im not a big fan of the "desk+lens" rhyme, Sounds a bit to forced to me.

And when you left the kids behind,
You never heard the end of it.
You'll always swear
you did it
unintentionally.
Hmm i'm not so sure if I like this or not, It seems pretty good, but i think with some punctuation in the last part it would be better.

Only a monster,
would abandon family.
I really liked the ending, i think it said it clearly.


Overall pretty good, just a few details

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=822317
#3
Hey there,

I actually enjoy this piece a lot. Sounds very personal, and from the sounds of it, I can kind of connect. So, on a personal note, i love it.

The first stanza is excellent, don't touch it. At all. I forbid you personally.

The second stanza, as the dude above me said, maybe could be switched up a little bit. The lens/desk thing doesn't seem to flow quite right, in my eyes. I'm sure there's a way you could switch it up. If you like it, that's alright, its not bad. I would get rid of the "were" at least in the second line though.

Third stanza is also very good. It kind of puts a story into the abstract of the first part, kind of like the climax after some foreshadowing. Good.
And the ending sums it all up.
Great piece, i'd like to hear it someday, if you put it into a song.
-D

If you have some time, I could use a crit too, on this piece.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13445530#post13445530
..and any in my sig, if you have a lot of time to kill. XD
Thanks!
...
This is a clever, witty signature. Rofl at my glory.
#4
Quote by thefoundationof
Im not a big fan of the "desk+lens" rhyme, Sounds a bit to forced to me.


They don't rhyme at all...I wasn't trying to.

Thanks for the comments both of you, I'll get to your things by the end of the day hopefully.
#5
A thousand pointless trips
That lend themselves more
to scrapbooks than sincerity.

i love the start it's quite hooking

Vacation photos grin from a desk,
were shot with the wrong lens,
figures out of focus.

the second line sounds very awkward, as does the last line.

And when you left the kids behind,
You never heard the end of it.
You'll always swear
you did it
unintentionally.

perhaps omit and and jsut say when you left the kids behind, the and is very usless. not adding anything it's just another annoying syllable.

Only a monster,
would abandon family.

i think that the second line should be "could abandon a family" jsut sounds a lot more natural to me then "would abandon family."

over all it was pretty good. the opening was great. i thought some lines needed revisions. sounded forced and unatural in some area's, almost seemed like you were trying to hard. the idea is great. keep going. C4C? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
Hey Darcy. I'm sorry I couldn't get to this last night.

Alright so a stanza by stanza critique would be worthless here. I am just going to go with general opinions. I thought they were all pretty solid themselves, except that the first one lacked some kind of action verb. But I don't know if I would care that much.

The ending wraps it all together in a well, good enough way. I think it just lacks some kind of point, or, message, I don't know. Whilst the piece is well written, the lack of directions for the reader as to what to make out of this one is what kept me from truly enjoying it wholeheartedly.

I appreciated the writing, but it didn't reach me. I believe it's still possible to give a purpose to personal writing, too .

All in all, good job with this one, I don't think I would change it, but maybe consider some things for future pieces.

Take good care, man.
-Mat