#1
Okay, so here's the other piece I wrote yesterday, a long with my first piece Untitled #1. You could say they're part of the same series, as they both focus on the same themes and feelings. Also, maybe some of the rhyming seems forced again but I've just started writing poetry ((this is my second piece)) so I just let my mind flow, and this is what came out:

Untitled #2:

I’m stuck in between dreams of this life.
I need to leave, but I am too blind.
I need to escape this land, I see the knife.
But I won’t change direction. I won’t change my mind.

Standing with my arms outstretched.
I watch this black heart cry.
I want to be free, in my skin this is etched.
I don’t want to live in this lie.

And as I walk down the road.
The shades all brake down.
My body erodes.
And my skin hits the ground.

And as my mind leaves the air.
My dissidence is broken.
I see body’s tear.
And I see the worlds thoughts open.
#2
Reminds me of early A7x stuff.
Like, Sounding The Seventh Trumpet style!

I would do a proper crit' where I go through and say whats amazing and how to improve and stuff but i'm crap at that.

So, i'll simply say.

9/10!
I deeply regret the 6661 in my username. Siiiigh. Damn you, 14 year old me, you edgy little bastard.
#3
Thanks for the crit people. And I have no problem with you being harsh. I havn't edited or revised my poetry yet, and after reading it after your crit I realise some parts are much too cliched. Especially the second stanza, which is pretty funny as I've never even self harmed before and I have no intention of doing so! It was supposed to be metaphorical.

I'll end up changing some of cliche's and improve the flow! Otherwise, your crit was very impressive. Thanks.
#4
First stanza - I've got to echo the words that Nightraven says really, it's not really a poem but more of a monologue with not much intricacy with the style, I'm not really feeling it, it's more like you wanted to write something and thought about it too much.

I actually quite like the second stanza, but again, maybe if you didn't use the first person quite so much and developed a wider vocabulary it might be more interesting. It's quite nice though.

The third stanza is neither here nor there really, I can see where you're coming from but it doesn't seem as genuine (compared with your last one)

In my opinion the final stanza seems quite opposite to your first piece, which makes it seem like you don't really mean what you're writing, as in your previous poem it was based around you disliking the worlds view, kind of being your own person. I'm probably wrong, but other than that I did like the last stanza, from a non bias point of view.


I didn't like it as much as your last piece, but I think if you get the hang of writing decent poetry and expressing your feelings they could be very good. Sorry if I seem like a bastard I did like it.