#1
My first song. The chorus needs a whole lot of work. Can you help a bit?


- VERSE1 -
This is how it all started.
Scribbled almost illegible on the backs of palms and cigarette packs
with pens stolen from hotels.
or on the sides of buildings made of only glass and windows
with spray paint colors in the dark.
this is the overlooked song of the car alarms.
when the mornings ripe.
or the overlooked beauty of the middle aged widow.

- CHORUS -
Staying remembered,
it may be harder than you think.
Stayin' remembered...
almost impossible, lost after a blink.
when you're just another suit and tie,
a blank face in the street.
You're the only one.
out of all these patients in this hospital,
out of the dying and the weak.
Staying remembered is harder than you think.


- VERSE2 -
As she poses on the balcony watering the hydrangeas,
this is the ode for the anorexic film stars.
who overdose on beauty.
burning out before they're 30,
but mostly this is a love poem for the red of your lips
in the shape of an "oh!"
and the way they spilled smoke.
as you balanced on the ledge.
of the tallest skyscraper.
flirting with demise.
and said,
before jumping into the camera crews below:

"This is how you stay remembered."

- CHORUS -
Staying remembered,
it may be harder than you think.
Stayin' remembered...
almost impossible, gone after a blink.
When you're just another suit and tie,
a blank face in the street.
You're the only one.
out of all these patients in this hospital,
out of the dying and the weak.
Staying remembered is harder than you think.


Haaaarder. Thaaan. You. THINK.
Last edited by SchizoRocker at Mar 30, 2008,
#2
^ haha i thought that was kinda funny, especially how your piece was called "how to stay remembered." whoops nevermind looks like that comment's gone?

anyways, i thought the verses were ok, lots of clever words etc. i didn't really know how verse 1 fit in with the whole theme though. i sure wouldn't remember anything "scribbled illegibly" or "in the dark," "overlooked." they just seem opposite of the theme.

verse 2 i thought was good. i hear what you're saying about the chorus. i think it's fine but does need something. maybe a strong metaphor instead of passengers in a train, patients in a hospital. or maybe stick to one and work on it. #2 in the sig if you like, please.
#3
Quote by somewhat_here
^ haha i thought that was kinda funny, especially how your piece was called "how to stay remembered." whoops nevermind looks like that comment's gone?

anyways, i thought the verses were ok, lots of clever words etc. i didn't really know how verse 1 fit in with the whole theme though. i sure wouldn't remember anything "scribbled illegibly" or "in the dark," "overlooked." they just seem opposite of the theme.

verse 2 i thought was good. i hear what you're saying about the chorus. i think it's fine but does need something. maybe a strong metaphor instead of passengers in a train, patients in a hospital. or maybe stick to one and work on it. #2 in the sig if you like, please.
Thanks for the crit. And sure. ^^ #2 in the sig it is!
#4
i did, as person above me, have a smile on my face the whole way through. it was almost a satirical (sp?) element to it and pokes fun at a lot of things.
I have to agree that the first stanza, altho REALLy well writtin kind of stood out as not being to important to the peice, so i unno about that. (ps, the car alarm thing INSTATLY made me think of dane cook)
chorus is great, amazing message and theme, got me thinkin alright. i could see my self chanting along with it
the begining of the second vewrse was one of my favorite things ive ever read
this is the ode for the anorexic film stars.
who overdose on beauty.
burning out before they're 30,
very well written, great wording.
actually the rest of that verse is well written as well, flirting with demise. nice line.
maybe for the second chorus you could change it up a little, keep it interesting, istead of one on the train, maybe like "another suit and tie" or like another face on thge street" keep it simple but have some variaty.
also i think that you should add another verse, another story type deal where you talk about another person trying to be remebered, you definatly have the skill to keep it interesting. so i say go for it.
overall really well done, i can see it being very catchy lol.
if you dont mind checkin the one in my sig, give an opinion or a bump, whatever you feel.
thanks a ton, and ahppy writting
#5
Quote by rage__against10
i did, as person above me, have a smile on my face the whole way through. it was almost a satirical (sp?) element to it and pokes fun at a lot of things.
I have to agree that the first stanza, altho REALLy well writtin kind of stood out as not being to important to the peice, so i unno about that. (ps, the car alarm thing INSTATLY made me think of dane cook)
chorus is great, amazing message and theme, got me thinkin alright. i could see my self chanting along with it
the begining of the second vewrse was one of my favorite things ive ever read
this is the ode for the anorexic film stars.
who overdose on beauty.
burning out before they're 30,
very well written, great wording.
actually the rest of that verse is well written as well, flirting with demise. nice line.
maybe for the second chorus you could change it up a little, keep it interesting, istead of one on the train, maybe like "another suit and tie" or like another face on thge street" keep it simple but have some variaty.
also i think that you should add another verse, another story type deal where you talk about another person trying to be remebered, you definatly have the skill to keep it interesting. so i say go for it.
overall really well done, i can see it being very catchy lol.
if you dont mind checkin the one in my sig, give an opinion or a bump, whatever you feel.
thanks a ton, and ahppy writting

Thank you! Thank you for the help on the chorus, too! I shall check your siggy! Lesat I can do.
#6
Ahoyhoy. Thanks for the words on mine.

- VERSE1 -
Scribbled almost illegible on the backs of palms and cigarette packs
with pens stolen from hotels.
or on the sides of buildings made of only glass and windows
with spray paint colors in the dark.
this is the overlooked song of the car alarms.
when the mornings ripe.
or the overlooked beauty of the middle aged widow.

Right, well. I haven no idea what is being scribbled for a start. Unless you're talking about the chorus, and, if you are, I think you need to make that more clear. If not, then... well, you need to reference whatever you're talking about. There is ambiguous, and there's just completely confusing. First line I think needs to be 'illegibly' instead. this is the overlooked song of the car alarms. < That is a beautiful line. Best single line I've read in ages. Love it. Overall strong stanza.


- CHORUS -
Staying rembered.
It may be Harder. Than. You. Think.
Stayin' Remembered...
Almost impossible. Just another suit and tie. Another blank face along this street.
You're only one. One. One out of all these patients in this hospital, of the dying and the weak.
Staying Remembered. Harder. Than. You. Think.

Part of the issue of this is that it's set out awkwardly. I might reword it like;

Staying remembered,
it may be harder than you think.
Stayin' remembered...
almost impossible, [Actually, here, i'd be tempted to make it rhyme with 'think'. It'd flow so much better.]

And this next bit -


[,] when you're just another suit and tie,
a blank face in the street.
You're the only one
out of all these patients in this hospital,
out of the dying and the weak.
Staying remembered is harder than you think.


Personally, I'd prefer it like that. Really interesting chorus though.



- VERSE2 -
As she poses on the balcony watering the hydrangeas,
this is the ode to the anorexic film stars.
who overdose on beauty.
burning out before they're 30,
but mostly this is a love poem for the red of your lips
in the shape of an "oh!"
and the way they spilled smoke.
as you balanced on the ledge.
of the tallest skyscraper.
flirting with demise.
and said,
before jumping into the camera crews below:

I think the start of the first line is weak. I don't like how you just brought in a 'she'. Introduce her - or, if she's only a little part, just say 'there's a woman... etc.' The only other line I don't like is 'but mostly this is a love poem for the red of your lips.' It's not a bad idea... just executed awkwardly. Just clean it up a bit and it'd be better. Once again, this is awesome overall. It's so original.


"This is how you stay remembered."

You bring this line in at a perfect time. It punches exactly when you need it to.

- CHORUS -
Staying rembered.
It may be Harder. Than. You. Think.
Stayin' Remembered...
Almost impossible. Just another suit and tie. Another blank face along this street.
You're only one. One. One out of all these patients in this hospital, of the dying and the weak.
Staying Remembered. Harder. Than. You. Think.

Haaaarder. Thaaan. You. THINK.


I was so impressed by this piece. It's your first you say? Wow. You're going to be so good. A few months time and you'll be amazing. This was a completely solid, original piece. Two thumbs up and then some. I know you already critted one of my pieces, but would you mind just bumping this other one for me?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=817192

Thanks so much.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
Quote by Snowblind 911
Ahoyhoy. Thanks for the words on mine.

- VERSE1 -
Scribbled almost illegible on the backs of palms and cigarette packs
with pens stolen from hotels.
or on the sides of buildings made of only glass and windows
with spray paint colors in the dark.
this is the overlooked song of the car alarms.
when the mornings ripe.
or the overlooked beauty of the middle aged widow.

Right, well. I haven no idea what is being scribbled for a start. Unless you're talking about the chorus, and, if you are, I think you need to make that more clear. If not, then... well, you need to reference whatever you're talking about. There is ambiguous, and there's just completely confusing. First line I think needs to be 'illegibly' instead. this is the overlooked song of the car alarms. < That is a beautiful line. Best single line I've read in ages. Love it. Overall strong stanza.


- CHORUS -
Staying rembered.
It may be Harder. Than. You. Think.
Stayin' Remembered...
Almost impossible. Just another suit and tie. Another blank face along this street.
You're only one. One. One out of all these patients in this hospital, of the dying and the weak.
Staying Remembered. Harder. Than. You. Think.

Part of the issue of this is that it's set out awkwardly. I might reword it like;

Staying remembered,
it may be harder than you think.
Stayin' remembered...
almost impossible, [Actually, here, i'd be tempted to make it rhyme with 'think'. It'd flow so much better.]

And this next bit -


[,] when you're just another suit and tie,
a blank face in the street.
You're the only one
out of all these patients in this hospital,
out of the dying and the weak.
Staying remembered is harder than you think.


Personally, I'd prefer it like that. Really interesting chorus though.



- VERSE2 -
As she poses on the balcony watering the hydrangeas,
this is the ode to the anorexic film stars.
who overdose on beauty.
burning out before they're 30,
but mostly this is a love poem for the red of your lips
in the shape of an "oh!"
and the way they spilled smoke.
as you balanced on the ledge.
of the tallest skyscraper.
flirting with demise.
and said,
before jumping into the camera crews below:

I think the start of the first line is weak. I don't like how you just brought in a 'she'. Introduce her - or, if she's only a little part, just say 'there's a woman... etc.' The only other line I don't like is 'but mostly this is a love poem for the red of your lips.' It's not a bad idea... just executed awkwardly. Just clean it up a bit and it'd be better. Once again, this is awesome overall. It's so original.


"This is how you stay remembered."

You bring this line in at a perfect time. It punches exactly when you need it to.

- CHORUS -
Staying rembered.
It may be Harder. Than. You. Think.
Stayin' Remembered...
Almost impossible. Just another suit and tie. Another blank face along this street.
You're only one. One. One out of all these patients in this hospital, of the dying and the weak.
Staying Remembered. Harder. Than. You. Think.

Haaaarder. Thaaan. You. THINK.


I was so impressed by this piece. It's your first you say? Wow. You're going to be so good. A few months time and you'll be amazing. This was a completely solid, original piece. Two thumbs up and then some. I know you already critted one of my pieces, but would you mind just bumping this other one for me?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=817192

Thanks so much.
Thank you for the compliments. ^^ And sure. I'll edit the chorus. Actualy, I'll put that ne you wrote in there if you don't mind, just tell me if you want it taken out.

And sure! I'll look at that for you!
#8
No probs. This is close to a perfect piece now IMO.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#11
Quote by rage__against10
awsome, thatnks for the crit on mine first of all,
and second of all this peice is shaping up brilliantly, it makes me happy that i could help. and i didnt even noticce this was your FIRST peice. i think were gonna have an excelnt writter on our hands
You rawk. Hehehehe. Friends?