#1
Just thought I'd share this with you. It means something to me, but I accept any criticisms for it as a piece of writing.

The periphery of my vision is haunted
by your gaze. Why is it when I turn
to you, you always fade away?

I’ve learnt over the slumping years:
this is not for me. Mainstream bureaucracy
with my altered tone of thought.

We’re all born into blood and nation,
to accept rules and obligation. I’m not a
citizen, laying beneath my heaven of unity.

I’ve formed my own invective, custom built
to suit all of our natural instincts. Why
do we follow this so called maturation?
#2
Thanks

Well it is more for me than anything, I just thought I'd share it with you. It wasn't totally intended to be a political piece, but I did want that feeling to come across somewhat in it.
What words didn't you understand? I found it quite simple...

Thanks for the crit anyway man.
#3
I liked this a lot! I connected with it, as it's similar to my first poem with the whole theme of not following the way of society, and being yourself. The whole 'I'm not a citizen' idea. So, yeah I can connect with what you are saying very well! Which made me enjoy the poem.

The only thing about the poem, is the flow. It just doesn't do it for me. I don't think you used the enjambment effectively, but then again it may sound completely different when you read it! I didn't like the 'maturation' part either. That word just looks ugly imo.

Other than that, I enjoyed it! I enjoy poetry I can connect to.

Keep on writing man.

#4
Thank you, that's exactly what it's meant to be.

Yeah I know what you mean, it always flows to the writer but rarely the reader

And I particularly chose the word maturation because it does look and appear ugly. Read it again