#1
God this feels awkward. Posting for the first time in like forever, I mean.





Girl,

You drifted off early again and left me a
Wake waiting at the bay.
These days,
Every time I see you you're a seasick lunatic. I know; I told you
The Ocean's empty, but I can't help but smell the shoals when I see them
dancing in the face of foaming at the rivermouth...


On the Saliva sea, off Spain - Chinese pyrates,
They locked up my jaw and twisted my skin.
But this tongue I speak in at least will be sprung
Someday soon. For now, I'm afraid I'm still green
And young.


ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Feb 15, 2009,
#2
wow. i think you presented what you we're trying to say pretty well. i liked it.

aaah i feel like i should say more. the last stanza was just breathtaking i think. it culminated all my expectations and ended it really well.
Last edited by somewhat_here at Mar 28, 2008,
#3
I'm really hoping you post more often. I guess I wasn't around when you were more of a regular, but damn, this was amazing. I loved every piece of it, and I think it's just great. I'm bubbling like a school girl here,

Seriously though, great job. I hope you will post some more in the near future.
#4
Yeah, this, for being the first piece I have read from you in at least a year, is filled with tones of mournful and regretful images of a long lost love. I like how you give us just enough info here, not too much which is good, and from there we can let our imaginations run wild. Anywho, cool stuff, and I realize I do miss reading your writing a lot.
#5
There was a lot of imagery that you presented really well, your purpose was very clear.
I especially dig the internal rhyme in the first stanza and the alliteration at the end of the second stanza, fun stuff.
Did you mean to misspell 'pyrates'? Just wondering.
With the first line is it 'awake' or 'a wake'? Both fit and the more I think about it, the more I reason that you put the space in there on purpose.

Overall, great piece you are a true wordsmith.

At your leisure, if you would be so kind.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=823329
#6
Yeah, I spelled pirates that way. As far as I know it's actually a legitimate albeit archaic way to spell it. I'm glad you got "awake" from the first line where it actually says "a wake". That's what I was tryin' for.

It's a shit poem for imagery, I realised. And I still struggle to write anything longer than 8 lines... Self-crit, lol.

Hi Streetcarp! Heh, I look forward to getting around to catching up on what you've written

Thanks for reading, dudes.
ρ