#1
So you've given my brain something to chew on.
I should be good for the next few weeks.
Or at least until it's well digested
and clinging in the bowels of my mind.

At that point, you'll most likely have supplied me
with a cornucopia of other things
for me to overanalyze, as usual.

Is it odd that I replay every conversation we've ever had
like some perpetual phonograph in my head?
Or that I save all your messages
and listen to them as I drift off to sleep,
just to hear those perfect imperfections in your voice?
Is it out of the ordinary for me to dissect your words,
wringing out the formaldehyde
and pinning them to the tray for closer examination?
To prod them with my pick as if to find
something I hadn't noticed before,
between the hypothetical lines?

If only my safety goggles were prescription
and I didn't have verbal astigmatism.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#2
First off, I sort of get lost with all of the wishy-washy language being thrown around. The theme is a very good one and I think you could really use this angle to "explain" your ideas. It just seems that you get stuck in neutral a little bit.

I think these could be great lyrics once you've focused them. Give more concrete language, give the reader and/or the listener something more to visualize while they hear/read your words. Who are you talking to? What do these words pertain too? This could be about someone who you enjoy talking to/being around, and this could be about someone who really got under your skin in the worst way. There's being cryptic and then there's not giving a direction. I think you have a direction, it just got lost in translation from your brain to the paper.

Hammer it out, give it a bit more shape and clarity. You can still leave it open while still providing an "environment" for the reader/listener to bite into.

I'd like to read a revised draft from this point. I think it's got real potential, just needs a bit of work.

Hope this was helpful.
Enter something refreshingly witty here:
Last edited by GodbowstoMath at Mar 28, 2008,
#3
^disagreed. so ****ing much.

i'm accepting the piece's abstract nature as completely intentional.
who's this supposed to be about, wtf? do you honestly not know? wow...anyway, this was great. the meaning flows through so well.

i just read the last little section again; wonderful.
i haven't read much of your writing, but what really impresses me is the way that everything that's conveyed is so personal, yet still provoking to read. not to mention that you seem very much in your comfort zone; there's a strong amount of confidence that comes off this piece. also, i used to write in a style similar to this, and it's nice to see someone else with this ability - not sounding conceded.
all in all - very good.

take a gander at mine - "3 Intercedes." or "a thought of feeding seagulls alka-seltzer."
i'd be happy to hear what you think.
#5
You had me for the first three lines, but I almost laughed at "the bowels of my mind." It's a comical phrase, but also redundant, since you mentioned a brain in the first line. Something more vivid might tie that stanza together a bit more nicely.

I really like all the other language you use here, but I'd like to see more vivid or metaphorical imagery mixed in with the journal-esque sentiments. The formaldehyde and safety goggles are definitely a good start, but even those images can be more interesting, if you work on it.

There is a link to my most recent below, maybe you'd like to take a look.
#6
Quote by K-Lizzle
So you've given my brain something to chew on.
I should be good for the next few weeks.
Or at least until it's well digested
and clinging in the bowels of my mind.

Everything was good except I laughed at your last line and sort of lost the mood you had going. It might just be me being immature, but bowels and mind just make me laugh.

At that point, you'll most likely have supplied me
with a cornucopia of other things
for me to overanalyze, as usual.

Eh, this I didn't like so much. Here, you sort of break into a different tone and act as if the reader "knows you" and can assume the as usual. I think if you break of the 'as usual' it will be more geared toward the reader, and not toward a "friend" who is reading.

Is it odd that I replay every conversation we've ever had
like some perpetual phonograph in my head?
Or that I save all your messages
and listen to them as I drift off to sleep,
just to hear those perfect imperfections in your voice?
Is it out of the ordinary for me to dissect your words,
wringing out the formaldehyde
and pinning them to the tray for closer examination?
To prod them with my pick as if to find
something I hadn't noticed before,
between the hypothetical lines?

Everything was wonderful except I didn't like "hypothetical lines." I wasn't sure what that meant.

If only my safety goggles were prescription
and I didn't have verbal astigmatism.

And there is the reason I love your pieces... great punch lines.


I like this, Ms. Lizzle (name?). But, as per always, everytime I read one of your pieces, your word choice is on the fence for me. Some times I love the way you work "big words" into your pieces and sometimes I don't. Both happen a lot in the same piece. Some lines I'm glad you do it... some lines I'm not, which leaves me always a little luke-warm to your pieces. However, I still enjoy this and your punchline.

Have a bump! Also, any comments on the formula looking one in my sig (be there in a minute) would be appreciated.

-zC
#7
The "as usual" is in regards to the fact that the narrator overanalyzes everything. And then the "hypothetical lines" - I wasn't sure exactly how I wanted to word that. Like, I wanted it to have the effect of "I'm trying to read between the lines to get something more out of this, but I'm not even sure that the lines exist for me to read between." Y'know?

Maybe it's just me feigning ingenuity.

But thanks for the mad propz, peeps.

(And it's Kayleigh.)
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#8
Quote by K-Lizzle
The "as usual" is in regards to the fact that the narrator overanalyzes everything. And then the "hypothetical lines" - I wasn't sure exactly how I wanted to word that. Like, I wanted it to have the effect of "I'm trying to read between the lines to get something more out of this, but I'm not even sure that the lines exist for me to read between." Y'know?


Hi Ms. Kayleigh.

Yeah, I figured that is what you were going for wiht the "as usual" but it has such an implied tone of "you, reader, should know that it is what I ALWAYS do." that gives me the bad vibes. I'd suggest a re-word still. And again on the hypothetical thing... same idea as above. Just a re-word should work.

I get your name now... it took me a minute.