#1
You said forever

I knew it couldn’t be true

Though I tried to doubt you never

The truth is, forever is a lie



I gave my heart

You bleed it dry

I ask you to keep it safe

Then you let it die



Believing you was suicide

Because when you said

You didn’t love me I may as well have died

I know that forever never comes



You saved my soul

Said you loved me so

Turns out you’re just a mole

Digging too me and crushing what you saved



I didn’t think I could still cry

It had been so long with no pain

Until you told me the love was a lie

All the pain and hate returned



Well I guess I should thank you

For releasing me from my emotional prison

Now I am a different person who,

Knows better than to believe anything.

Forever…
#2
It's OK. I'm thinking you need to work on the flow a hair more. The whole thing is slightly cliche as well. But, you do have some pretty good rhymes that you can build on.

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Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

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Electronic Audio Experiments
#3
trust me, this whole song was kinda forced out. i really forced alot of it, i've had this for months and have been meaning to rewrite it, just never got around to it and wanted some help with the writing and i got it. trust me i have better pieces and they will be posted soon...
#4
I have to agree with the other people about the "cliche" writing. But at the same time the lines are short and simple, meaning it could be made into a very catchy song. I don't know what genre of songs you tend to make, or even if this is meant for a song, but it cold make a good catchy pop/pop punk/rock song.
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#5
Yeah, it's cliched. But you can always revise those cliche's and turn them into something slightly less generic. Also, I think you could work on the flow of this.

If you do those two things, then you will have a solid piece.

#6
Quote by shatteredhopes

You said forever
I knew it couldn’t be true
Though I tried to doubt you never
The truth is, forever is a lie



I gave my heart
You bleed it dry
I ask you to keep it safe
Then you let it die



Believing you was suicide
Because when you said
You didn’t love me I may as well have died
I know that forever never comes



You saved my soul
Said you loved me so
Turns out you’re just a mole
Digging too me and crushing what you saved



I didn’t think I could still cry
It had been so long with no pain
Until you told me the love was a lie
All the pain and hate returned



Well I guess I should thank you
For releasing me from my emotional prison
Now I am a different person who,
Knows better than to believe anything.

Forever…


Like others have said, it sounds cliche. And I know it is a cliche to write it off as cliche but I will try and tell you why. Now I don't mean this as an insult but, it sounds like you are a novice writer. Like you are in the beginning of the song writing journey. I still think I'm novice as well, everybody starts somewhere. If it were easy to write, everybody would do it. So don't take this the wrong way, just don't give up because I get a lot of crap before a good piece comes.

As for your piece:
I do not know how you yo plan to sing it, or read it, but I think four lines a stanza is too short. Not always, but with the short lines, a four phrase verse is too short. It adds to the novice factor. The subject is cliche too, but yet it will probably be what you write about the most. Love is a true human emotion, and therefore gets written about a lot. The way around this is to look at things from a new perspective, or really add your voice, who you are, into your writing. I know it is advanced, but that's what the goal is in the end. So just keep writing, and while this piece was nothing new and nothing that stood out as a gem, most pieces written aren't.

Thank you for checking out my piece. I do appreciate it.
#7
well... everyone already said what i was going to say. so ill just say good effort and post one of those other songs you said you have.
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#8
thanks for all the help guys, i do need to rewrite this, and plan to do so when i get time. but this was one of my first pieces, and was really forced out, with no one to talk to at the time i needed a place to write it out and this is wat happened. lol, i am going to remake it soon though.

thanks for all of your help on this little P.O.S. of a song lol