#1
i dip my feet in sand,
a glass timer,
an hourglass.
conscious decisions
of the people i put up with
everyday

a natural sense of desolation
under a false shadow
of pretended smiles.
just like crayons and mascara,
they smudge.

but maybe they feel the same way.


///

crit4crit
Last edited by TV Party at Mar 28, 2008,
#2
first

nice words,
i think you need a bit more tho
bravo
thisismysignatureitisveryveryveryboringandasyoucanseeicouldn'tthinkofabettersigwhenididthissig
#3
i tried to write more, but then i realised the extra stuff i wrote was **** and didn't go with the rest.
#5
Quote by TV Party

i dip my feet in sand,
a glass timer,
an hourglass.
conscious decisions
of the people i put up with
everyday

a natural sense of desolation
under a false shadow
of pretended smiles.
just like crayons and mascara,
they smudge.

but maybe they feel the same way.



I really like this piece. Like said, it is short and I would love to see more. But the feeling is in this, and even though it is short, it is nice. I especially like the second stanza. I apologize because I can't offer any true advice or comments. But I do like it, and would love to see more added. But with more explicit detail it might take away from the abstract theme that makes this real cool.

Nice job, and thanks for checking out my piece.
#6
i like it too. its just too short. it seems like its only half of the story to me. have you ever tried to read something and a page was missing or it was torn and just missing half a page.... it reminded me of that.
92% percent of the teen population would be dead if Hollywood said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this in your signature if you are one of the 8% who would be laughing your head off.
#7
I actually really liked it.
Its short but it spoke a lot. Pretty much spoke the whole story. Its very intense and deep.
And the last line "but maybe they feel the same" just hit home!

Great work there mate!
#8
I'm really just echoing what the other guys have said up there. There is a deep sentiment flowing throughout which is very easy to relate to, but it could have a more profound effect on readers if the piece was a little longer.

Keep up the good work mate!
#9

Never go through the bloody door, take them up the oxo tower when they're on the bleed. That's my advice for the day.

edit for anyone too naive to function: CRASH HER BACK DOORS IN




love is a dog from hell.