#1
so here is my second post. i wrote this yesterday...

Fair Play

I don't know
What it's gonna do to me
I've been fighting this misery,
for years
And this smoke screen
is failing rapidly

These promises
of happiness
that I have yet
to receive
i wait patiently

and all the illusion
and all the confusion
all of it well played
in this bed you made
none of it was fair game

Did I cry
don't go blame it all on me
I've been trying to understand,
for years
your own misery
I could never see

This torture
and torment
that you haven't yet
given me
I wait patiently

all your smoke and mirrors
and all your parlor tricks
all got in the way
of the love we made
none of it was fair play

No, don't try to get away
with it
Don't, don't try to get away
from this
you can run, you can run so far away
but you can't escape
you are to blame
no one can escape
you are to blame
for this silly game
that we play

and this smoke screen
is failing rapidly
like you and me
we're fading rapidly


Crit 4 crit. THANKS MUCH!!!!
#2
wow. it has a nice crisp touch and flow to it, which i really liked, and i could just feel a melody simmering in my head as i read it. however, is the second-last stanza supposed to be like a bridge or something (i mean unless it's a poem)? 'cause either it should be split up into two more of the four-line stanzas, or i dunno.

the last two lines i didn't like so much because they're sort of repetitive and i didn't think they ended the piece on a strong note.

and i don't see why you keep saying that you wait patiently. what are you waiting patiently for if the whole time you're saying that it's over?

anyways, some suggestions to consider. if you please, songs to crit in sig.