#1
just trying something a little different..idk, leave me a link.


***
Early up, at-em
Back away mirror
Not today.
Okay, now, good,
Full of bread
Signal the taxi…
**** him!
Signal it again
Only in a different way

Those are nice legs
And even nicer…
Oh god!
Don’t stare, don’t stare
Look away
Paper or plastic?
One to cover up…
I’ll choose the later

Do da do do de do…
How did it go?
Do da do do de do da de
There, that’s it.

E5 or A8?
Cheetos or Doritos?
Chocolate or peanut butter?
Paper or plastic?
Haha, that chick was ugly.

Not now Ralph…
Look at that tie.
Actually, that wasn’t funny.
Why are you still alive?

Haaa, there we go…
Ooo, nice taste
Nice kind of little
the way we seem to go…
With also, there…
What is going on?
Oh ****!
I can’t feel, what?
Touch, no touch
Help! No feel!
Ha, no, stay…
Way over there
Plastic, help! No!
Who? Ahh! God!

Ahhh! Oh, okay
We’re fine, bad trip
Bad trip, trip bad
tri pbad, tripb ad
Oh man, need sleep
sleep in bed, bed sleep.
Wash face.
Back away mirror,
not now.
#2
That was neat, very stream of conciousness.
Not to sure on subject matter, however, but that just may be me being dumb. The emotion, though it seemed to jump around a lot, was somewhat clear throughout. Maybe change the tone of the middle so that it fits the more...frightened? moods of the begining and the end.
Accepting the form, the piece was somewhat choppy, not enough to be discouraging, but just enough to be annoying. I don't really have any suggestions about that though...big help I am.

If you would, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=823329
#3
thanks man, yeah, it was just recreating a day, kind of in the mind of someone and their internal dialogue. Appreciate the comments.
#4
Is there any dark humor type of thing going on?? . If there is..the whole irritating wordplay is killing it . Its little childish for someone like you.
Hi