#1
I will not write music to this, so don't expect it to be sung. Critique it for me; I just expanded most of it from a two stanza skeleton I wrote a month or two ago. I'll critique back, of course.


POEM NO. 32

What matters most,
when the final trumpet sounds
or you bow out on your own,
and all that remains is the memory of your name,
engraved on some tombstone no one will read,
is what will not decay. Everlasting. Evergreen.
Plant trees.

Remember that money is paper: dead wood.
How much more valuable, then, is living wood?
Say that the forest is your product,
and that you invest in the next thousand years.

Strip society naked,
and inspect it under fluorescent lights,
so that you see all of its blemishes.
When the harlot Avarice and her sister Egotism
next come to seduce you with honeyed lies,
laugh in their faces,
and spit in their eyes,
for you have seen them without their makeup.

Question everything,
but embrace what is true, and noble, and does not die.
Remember that liars and traitors are everywhere;
there are as many closed minds in the university
as the church – more, even.

Step outside of yourself.
Step outside of human kind.
Walk barefoot through the forest,
so that the soil gets between your toes.
Then you will know the petty things:
the cheap laughs, the sand castle dreams,
from eternity.
The medium is the message!
#2
wow you write very very good that is really good if you ever made it as a writer i would buy your books/poems for sure,i like this as much as edgar allen poe's works btw thans for the advise on my crap song u crited on
#4
I like this. I wanted to write something similair after reading the Refused Party Programme but never really managed anything worthwhile. I like the personification of Avarice and Egotism (have a glance through Percey Shelley's "Mask of Anarchy", an incredibly long poem that does similair things with Anarchy, Hypocrisy etc) but I thought perhaps you could make more of that in the poem. Another thing is that I like the comparison of money and trees (a really like it, in fact), and because it comes out so strong in the first two stanzas I thought perhaps you could continue it later on in the poem.
#5
What matters most,
when the final trumpet sounds
or you bow out on your own,
and all that remains is the memory of your name,
engraved on some tombstone no one will read,
is what will not decay. Everlasting. Evergreen.
Plant trees.

very good start intresing i like the end and the connect to evergreens lol

Remember that money is paper: dead wood.
How much more valuable, then, is living wood?
Say that the forest is your product,
and that you invest in the next thousand years.

intresting follow up on the whole nature idea. not much flow in either paragraph doest really have a beat of it's own. but thats ok just sayin

Strip society naked,
and inspect it under fluorescent lights,
so that you see all of its blemishes.
When the harlot Avarice and her sister Egotism
next come to seduce you with honeyed lies,
laugh in their faces,
and spit in their eyes,
for you have seen them without their makeup.

try diffrent word for blemishes seems too common; dull. very good last lines. i like the laugh in their faces and spit in their eyes, tahts the kind of flow i was lookin for.

Question everything,
but embrace what is true, and noble, and does not die.
Remember that liars and traitors are everywhere;
there are as many closed minds in the university

try to think of some other idea here, or a diffrent way to express it. think abstract. what you have here is very cliche, and a bit dry i think i have heard this a lot. and this is just another medium

as the church – more, even.

dotn make it it's own stanza, slap it on with universities. and dont say as the chruch... honestly i think you are much more capable then putting as the church, just seems damn lazy and a shame

Step outside of yourself.
Step outside of human kind.
Walk barefoot through the forest,
so that the soil gets between your toes.
Then you will know the petty things:
the cheap laughs, the sand castle dreams,
from eternity.

i like the closing, very powerful and moving. not much to say here

overall this piece seemed to go between two people.. some of it was outstanding, other parts seemed like you were just trying to connect it all, a bit forced. flow was pretty good though some places lacked it other' wer very good. but keep writting i would say this is pretty good. but a piece of advise away from the writting. i wrote a peice like this. and i read some crits and i understood the caution, dont write political pieces, one because a lot of the idea's are cliche, and boring like from a broken record giving us it's same boring speech, and two it can piss off a lot of people. but the witting is deffinitly not bad
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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