#1
'i belive this is the second song i've posted so its not that good, but yeah here it is.

yestrday oh baby you died.
Oh how they skies ever cried.
Feel the peace around you life witch is now high.
Today eagles flyin on high.

I say
Good-bye to Blue skies,don't have to cry.
Its ok if you cry,life can pass the best by
Even the Angels on Earth must pass by.

Thy to dine up ever high on platues of the broken skies.
lives passed on the best go up oun high.
The past is at last sent over by the yellow hazed eyes.

so i say
Good bye to my blue skies
why she go and die
Good bye to the blue skies
now it was her time.

as the days of old pass us by we rember what it is to be loved and alive.
the skies often weep ever so as the loved ones whom died.
they pass across the lines of life and love and they say

"good-bye blue skies.
we all must die
good bye blue sky
the other side i calling me agine. "

as you have sat the in the blackness of you eyes,
my friend you feel you have died,
she had he time awell(im not sure if awell is a word but whatever)
the love she spelled

so take away her eyes
take away the lies
she is in her blue sky
good bye to blue sky
the loss is never iodined
good bye blue sky
there was no need for her to die.
the life she gave to you and let you see out and through


its not that good but it is about my friends mum she died recently and she was like a second mother to me so yeah
i edited this up i still think its not to good but it is a tad better then before.
Last edited by jwax at Mar 29, 2008,
#2
Not to be a jerk, but as a writer, I'd always advise that you avoid rhyming cry and die. Always.
The medium is the message!
#4
Ahhh, I feel bad about only saying that. Let me give you a fuller crit (especially since I just read the bit after the lyrics about who its for).

I like the blue sky motif, it's a little classic but unconventional for most contemporary music. However, there were parts with shaky grammar, and you didn't say a whole lot. I'd advise writing more about how you feel and using more descriptive metaphors.

[EDIT]: And thanks for the crit man, I'm glad you liked it.
The medium is the message!
#5
well im not great with grammer and im only 14 so ill write this over with your adives and try my best thank you.
#6
This piece has potential, so don't be down heartened when we say there are things that don't seem to work within in, and with it being only your second piece, I'm sure you'll improve over time, everyone does.

There are parts of it which feel awkward and forced in order to create a rhyme, and there doesn't seem to be a constant rhythm running throughout which makes it a little harder to understand. An example of something which I think is awkward is the line:

"Thy to dine up ever high on platues of the broken skies". I see the idea you are trying to put into place here, but it seems as if you have over exagerated the language in order for it to come across as more grown up, i.e "Thy dine, plataues"

One thing I do like is the blue skies theme running throughout, although it is somewhat common in pieces like this, you have a good idea of how to express it. As you said, you are only 14 so when you get a better grasp of metaphors and similes you will easily be able to improve upon this.

Keep up the good work man, and I'm sorry to hear about your friend's mother, condolences to him and yourself.

If you get the time could you have a look over my latest piece, "Our Everlasting Gaze"

Here's the link, thanks: Our Everlasting Gaze
#8
Hello. I edited your thread title so it fits the rules.

Please take the time to read them, they're in an announcement atop the main Songwriting and Lyrics Forum. Next time, your threads will get closed. So yeah, you should check them out.