#1


looked sharp in my new suit
bright red tie
designer sunglasses
worth a milion dollars
or near enough
went in to face the vultures
perched
around a big table
more gold laying behind glass
than i could ever fit
on my skinny wrists
felt like a boy again
they said:
would you open pandora's box?
have you any dreams to sell, son?
coke, or junk?
ever been over a rainbow?
whats your story boy
dammit everyone's git a story
what's your story?
and i thought:
what kind of fucking interview is this?
too much damn philosophy hanging around
all that gold leaf
so i walked out
took the stairs not the lift
out of the front doors then two quick lefts
down fortescue
onto sunnyside
up albert
three easy streets to the bar
found my own style of philosophy on the way
so i said:
get me a beer
said
what's it all about?
said
hey keep, i'm all outtas money
said
fuckers never even offered me the job anyway





love is a dog from hell.



#2
this sounds like you went to a job inerview and got ****ed over. i like it,i like most things that are better then my own stuff ah,but it was really good it was different.
#3
Kind of hard to crit a one-stanza poem. I really dug everything up until "what kind of ****ing interview is this?" and, even then, my only real concern was the "s" at the end of "outta." Never heard anyone do that before. Maybe "alls," but never "outtas." Another miniscule criticism: "git" is usually "get", not "got." I was also going to disagree with the way your character handled the situation, but then I realized I love that ending.

Honestly this is great. My only other adjustments would be in punctuation, and that's not even really necessary.

I could use an opinion on mine, linked below, if you have the time.
#5
meh, I didn't like this one much Chris. It didn't feel as real and gritty as your stuff normally does. There wasn't one moment I could point at and say, "Ahh, there is your problem." Instead this whole thing felt like it was written from the point of view of someone looking down on the situation, but written in 1st person... which was sort of unsettling. There wasn't enough here to really keep me interested... and what was here was the same thing you've been writing since I got here, only this time, I didn't even like the perspective you took.

sorry mate,

-zC
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
meh, I didn't like this one much Chris. It didn't feel as real and gritty as your stuff normally does. There wasn't one moment I could point at and say, "Ahh, there is your problem." Instead this whole thing felt like it was written from the point of view of someone looking down on the situation, but written in 1st person... which was sort of unsettling. There wasn't enough here to really keep me interested... and what was here was the same thing you've been writing since I got here, only this time, I didn't even like the perspective you took.

sorry mate,

-zC



That's because the problem in the others is usually drinking, in this one it's teh solution




love is a dog from hell.



#8
Quote by we have sound


looked sharp in my new suit
bright red tie
designer sunglasses
worth a milion dollars
or near enough

I like the description you show in these opening lines. Sets the scenec nicely. It also shows a bluntness which i like.

went in to face the vultures
perched
around a big table
more gold laying behind glass
than i could ever fit
on my skinny wrists

I wasn't really feelin the vultures thing. Seems sorta cliche to me. I didnt like the more gold laying behind glass line. Didnt make sense to me.

felt like a boy again
they said:
would you open pandora's box?
have you any dreams to sell, son?
coke, or junk?
ever been over a rainbow?
whats your story boy
dammit everyone's git a story
what's your story?

I dont know about the pandora's box line. theres no flow into the next lines. really i didnt like the flow or lack thereof in this section.


and i thought:
what kind of fucking interview is this?
too much damn philosophy hanging around
all that gold leaf

no complaints here


so i walked out
took the stairs not the lift
out of the front doors then two quick lefts
down fortescue
onto sunnyside
up albert
three easy streets to the bar
found my own style of philosophy on the way

I liked this part. Probably my favorite section of the piece. No need for revisions here.

so i said:
get me a beer
said
what's it all about?
said
hey keep, i'm all outtas money
said
fuckers never even offered me the job anyway

Thought the ending was kinda weak. thought it was Just sorta ramblings. Overall the entire piece was average but i didnt really like the lack of flow and the bluntness while in the beginning was working just sorta lost its integrity. Check mine out? Links in the sig.





#9

Thanks man, I'll get to yours when I get a moment maybe

ps. the ending is where it's all at.




love is a dog from hell.