#1
okay, so, my good friend wrote this.
it's a poem.
PLEASE tell me how it is ,because i'm thinking about changing things
around to make it into a song for her.
_________________________________________________
"I hate you i", i yell
As i run to my room
I slam the door
And the tears break through
The pain inside
Is what makes me this way
I want to leave
Because i hate to stay
I turn around
Only to see the devil standing there
He brings up my past
Makes me feel like no one cares
My heart starts pounding
Because of all the hurt
But i want to make it stop
Is it really what i deserve?
I just want to move on
To a much better place
I want to be gone
But i can still see your face
#2
hmmn i you want to make this a song for "her" you need to employ like you werein a fight with a woman,this makes me think of a tennager being yelled at by his asshole father whho dosent understand him and he(the kid) has nothing to do but run to his room to be by himselve,its good but if you want to make a"for her" kind of sonf you need to hange the concept,look at my work is titel"second song(edited)" it sucks but i need advise,thn aks if you will
#3
mm ususally i'd do a break down stanza by stanza or line by line. but if this is a song for "her" as in like. girl you like or girl you with... yea.. nto a song to give her lol... so you should really think about jsut making your own... and giving it to the girl
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
this song isn't for a "her"
she asked me to see what everyone thought of it
then, if ya'll thought it was okay enough, go ahead and make it a song.
#5
Ohh ok

i got it lol

aight i'll crit it
soryr wans6t thinkin quite straight when i was reading the disclamer
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
"I hate you i", i yell very plain.. kind of boring
As i run to my room mm no much to say
I slam the dooron again nothing overtly wrong but just boring
And the tears break throughmm.. ok my heart is bleeding..
The pain inside
Is what makes me this way
I want to leave
Because i hate to stay
I turn around
Only to see the devil standing there
He brings up my past
Makes me feel like no one cares
My heart starts pounding
Because of all the hurt
But i want to make it stop
Is it really what i deserve?
I just want to move on
To a much better place
I want to be gone
But i can still see your face

ok so i started on this.. and then i just stop criting.. lin by line.. so i'm just gonna give this an overall summery. i mean the emotion is good it's there feel real. but to be honest it really doest stick. like i feel where she is coming from but when it cuts down to it..i could really give a damn diction is a big part. she is using very plain words. but they have no infering meaning or imagery. even if she used big words and ect it still would be a very simple and boring, because there is no imagery or thought. it's all very transparent
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Mar 30, 2008,