#1
just a quick somthing i came up with the other day

The LivingRoom Endeavors


We were there once and you were nowhere to be found
Not at that divide
Not where the mind goes blank from the infinity of it all
Pity

You could not begin to wrap your mangled ideals around such a thing
So straightforward were the words that sounded on deaf ears
“I go now into the lost, in search”
I go now in search to lose
Such a lire
Such as I
Cannot care forthwith
For the tangible things I forfeit here
In my barter for the life I plan to render from a clean(er) slate
But she is not this place and you are not near to there and this place is you who aren’t me

Best wishes aside wishful only to that of comfort upon its behalf
But I won’t be there after the turncoat
That you never saw coming
That you don’t understand
Pity
baSs_[iN]_ya_faCe
#2
I realy like this.
It shows so much emotion, yet it raises questions. Who is the narrator speaking to? What did they do? Why best wishes if they're angry/sad? I think you should rework this piece while keeping with the feeling and word choices. (Sorry If I made no sense!)

~ Lexx.
#3
I'll be back (PM me in a few days if I forget). For an initial reaction though, this shows some promise... but as it is it doesn't sit right with me. Seems like your execution ruined some good ideas and your lack of "filling out" what's going on left a lot to be desired. I'll explain more later.

-zC
#5
Quote by xoxbradxox


The LivingRoom Endeavors


We were there once and you were nowhere to be found
Not at that divide
Not where the mind goes blank from the infinity of it all
Pity

This begs for punctuation. We as readers can't do anything with flow without some sort of guidance from the author... and you left us blank here. Beyond that... this is one of the places that I felt you could have done soo much more, but instead settled for a parlour trick. Let's go line by line. Your first line was fairly bland. You introduce some mystery with the ambiguous "you" but not enough to hook me. Then you drop to line 2... which was even less intriguing. So far you are throwing out a bland person a bland situation and not really giving enough information to even be hooking me. Line 3 was a great idea... but it was a bit too wordy. You need to cut it down, condense it and give it some punch. Then line 4... there was the cheap trick. I hated that. If you had quotes or something, I might dismiss it as something that you heard or said... but without it, it just looks weak and like you couldn't find a way to close the stanza.

You could not begin to wrap your mangled ideals around such a thing
So straightforward were the words that sounded on deaf ears
“I go now into the lost, in search”
I go now in search to lose
Such a lire
Such as I
Cannot care forthwith
For the tangible things I forfeit here
In my barter for the life I plan to render from a clean(er) slate
But she is not this place and you are not near to there and this place is you who aren’t me

Lines 1 and 2 are again too wordy, the length makes the lines stumble across themselves and generally takes away from the punch at the end of each line. Loved 3/4. I think in 5 you mean "liar." 'forthwith' seemed out of place to me... like you dropped into "ye olde English" for one word, didn't fit with the other diction. This sort of continues through the end of the stanza... you keep dropping back to archaic language and the tone change is sort of puzzling to the reader... and sort of takes away from what's going on because we are like, "why is he using these "old" words?"

Best wishes aside wishful only to that of comfort upon its behalf
But I won’t be there after the turncoat
That you never saw coming
That you don’t understand
Pity

Again, punctuate PLEASE. Meh, this whole bit was throw-away to me. I like this better if it ends above and doesn't have this at all. It seems a bit boring after the intensity of the above ideas. It seems almost too safe to follow such a deep and quazi-emotional bit such as the above.



It wasn't outstanding... but it wasn't bad either. Just keep writing mate.

If you could, the equation one in my sig could use some comments etc. It's long... so I don't expect anything though.

-zC