#1
THEM:
As summer creeps its way
The winter weather is here to stay
So light a fire to warm yourself
jump right in
because the end of days is coming
as sure as the weather is grim

This is the end
Don't play pretend
No more time here to spend
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends

And as they slowly creep away
They leave a part of them here to stay
The most vile, the most putrid
The genocide won't hurt as much
As the thoughts of letting go
Because you know...

...This is the end
Don't play pretend
No more time here to spend
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#2
The genocide won't hurt as much,
as the thoughts of letting go,
because you know this is the end.
Don't play pretend.
No more time here to spend.


This is my favorite part out of the whole song. You should add it in there somewhere in the peginning as a spoken part/whisper before the music starts. Go crazy with it! Distort it untill you can't anymore! I love this. It has a deep meaning. THe word choice realy brings this song out of most if not all cliches'.

Hope I helped!
~~ Lexx.
#3
Quote by SchizoRocker
The genocide won't hurt as much,
as the thoughts of letting go,
because you know this is the end.
Don't play pretend.
No more time here to spend.


This is my favorite part out of the whole song. You should add it in there somewhere in the peginning as a spoken part/whisper before the music starts. Go crazy with it! Distort it untill you can't anymore! I love this. It has a deep meaning. THe word choice realy brings this song out of most if not all cliches'.

Hope I helped!
~~ Lexx.


Thanks, it won't be like a metal song. But it will definitely be heavier than my other stuff in comparison.

My favorite lines are "so light a fireto warm yourself, jump right in because the end of days is coming, as sure as the weather is grim."
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
Last edited by mka12992 at Mar 29, 2008,
#4
Quote by mka12992
THEM:
As summer creeps its way
I dont like "its way" im thinking either "away" or a variation of that works better, because the summer creeps its way doest work to well for me
The winter weather is here to stay
So light a fire to warm yourself
jump right in
because the end of days is coming
as sure as the weather is grim
very good start, opens well, sets the mood and gives a good overveiw, im likin it so far, nice rhyme too, didnt sound forced at all

This is the end
Don't play pretend dont liek the word play here, sounds childish, maybe "lets not pretend" of something else, i unno
No more time here to spend
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends double your isnt to hot for me, maybe to turn enemies to friends
really good stanze, the message is pretty solid, lsat line is pretty killer, just some slight wording problems, but other then that two thumbs up

And as they slowly creep away
They leave a part of them here to stay
The most vile, the most putrid
The genocide won't hurt as much
As the thoughts of letting go
Because you know...
awsome, well said, good comparison to the genocide, only thing is line 2 seems a little long, cut the word "here" maybe?

...This is the end
Don't play pretend
No more time here to spend
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends


thisss is very well writtin, the content was awsome, i like the message and how you said/ presented it, the only thing is after a few corections word-wise are made this will be a steller peice. awsome job
if you could crit or even bump the one in my sig (snowcaped) ill thank you.
happy writting
#5
Thanks, I left you a crit.


EDIT: I kinda need some more critiquing on this, so I am gonna bump it.

I wouldn't bum it if It was not important .
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
Last edited by mka12992 at Mar 31, 2008,
#6
Bumped, read my above post.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#7
As summer creeps its way
I agree, I think you need to change its way, it doesnt add, and makes you stop and say , its way?
The winter weather is here to stay
So light a fire to warm yourself
jump right in
because the end of days is coming
as sure as the weather is grim
this is okay, I like the comparison

This is the end
Don't play pretend
No more time here to spend
I like this line
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends
okay, this is cliche. sorry, but, make your enemies your friends? cliche... I would suggest completely rewriting this line, to make this part more interesting. Otherwise its alright

And as they slowly creep away
They leave a part of them here to stay
The most vile, the most putrid part of them? thats whats vile and putrid? you kind of left that open
The genocide won't hurt as much
As the thoughts of letting go
Because you know...
This is the best part in the whole song. I like this alot.
...This is the end
Don't play pretend
No more time here to spend
So sit back and wait
It is never too late
To make your enemies your friends


besides the cliche lines, and a couple other things this song is mostly okay, and has alot of potential.
#8
Thanks, I think I may make a revision. But I kind of disagree with the chorus thing, just because it goes along with another song i wrote....


But thanks
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.