#1
i guess i can do a freewrite about how ****ty i felt last night i'll subscribe to this thread, so leave a link and i'll give you a crit back. i've been dying to criticize someone.

I got my nike shoes on
and my body begins to sway
as they play my favorite song,
and I look at you and smile,
before I move along,
because it wouldn't be an exit
if you don't know I'm gone.
I've had a bottle of Goldschlager,
it tasted like red hots
melted into my stomach
her golden shorts come off
within my mind, as a bottle of
Cruzan Rum goes down.
I truly regret the pills
but they will not dull the sound-
of my ears ringing,
and my mouth mouthing along,
my body moving offbeat
a swaying mind long gone,
and I can't break up the events,
and I can't recall them all,
but the flu and cigarettes
beat my body 'til I fell,
and well inside my mind
my emotions shot to hell,
and I pride myself on being
the one who stands above
while those I love cry along
but I guess I lost myself,
yeah I guess that piece is gone.
#2
Good to see you around, corey!

I hated most of the rhyming through it all. Along/gone, especially. The fact that you thrown it in there twice, especially!

I didn't like the opener either. Actually, my thoughts are pretty symmetric : I didn't like the first 7 lines nor the 7 last. The part in between was alright.

I realize you didn't put much effort into this. Thanks for writing it here still .

I have nothing up atm.
take care.
#4
who else wants to punch BittertwistedZa?

I got my nike shoes on
and my body begins to sway
as they play my favorite song,
and I look at you and smile,
before I move along,
because it wouldn't be an exit
if you don't know I'm gone.
the first three lines were generic but the last part really brought the quality up.


I've had a bottle of Goldschlager,
it tasted like red hots
melted into my stomach
her golden shorts come off
within my mind, as a bottle of
Cruzan Rum goes down.
weaker than the last bit but not awful.

I truly regret the pills
but they will not dull the sound-
of my ears ringing,
and my mouth mouthing along,
my body moving offbeat
a swaying mind long gone,
and I can't break up the events,
and I can't recall them all,
but the flu and cigarettes
beat my body 'til I fell,
and well inside my mind
my emotions shot to hell,
and I pride myself on being
the one who stands above
while those I love cry along
but I guess I lost myself,
yeah I guess that piece is gone.
this part seems so different from the rest. this does well in portraying your state of mind at the time but i feel you could have done it better.

there ya go, i don't have anything i want critted yet but i'll give you a holler.
#6
Easy on the eyes, nice flow and with that ace tongue-in-cheek sort of style you have.

That said, I'll third that the rhyming was kind of not innovative. But tbh, sometimes who cares, riting feels good.

You can criticize me latest in me sig in the lame way I just criticized you if you like i.e. Quite lamlely.

Keep posting pieces Corey
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 30, 2008,