#1
this is my second poem... constructive criticism is very much appreciated.


II.Remorseless Execution

Tonight your hopes shall dim
as I cut you limb from limb
your demise shall make me contempt
not a tear will I shed
once you're torn and you've bled
I shall kill you just as I had dreamt.

My blade gashes through your throat
your death shall be as I have wrote
the incision will leave you breathless
such a pleasant transfixion
seizure like with torsions
and blood splashing on the surface.

Severed from the neck down
buried in a blood stained gown
dismembered and foreboding
severed and imploring
your faint cries which do entreat
as you die at my feet.
#2
Quote by VengeanceIsMine
this is my second poem... constructive criticism is very much appreciated.


II.Remorseless Execution

Tonight your hopes shall dim
as I cut you limb from limb
your demise shall make me contempt
not a tear will I shed
once you're torn and you've bled
I shall kill you just as I had dreamt.

My blade gashes through your throat
your death shall be as I have wrote
the incision will leave you breathless
such a pleasant transfixion
seizure like with torsions
and blood splashing on the surface.

Severed from the neck down
buried in a blood stained gown
dismembered and foreboding
severed and imploring
your faint cries which do entreat
as you die at my feet.


How can you write about this?

Either 1. You need help as you have mental issues in that you enjoy killing people and fantasize about it, with no feelings of remorse. or 2. Your being a poser, and writing this to sound tougher than you are.

Either way, its not a good thing about yourself.

Aside from the actual meaning I thought the poetry was quite good.
#3
Quote by isaac_bandits
How can you write about this?

Either 1. You need help as you have mental issues in that you enjoy killing people and fantasize about it, with no feelings of remorse. or 2. Your being a poser, and writing this to sound tougher than you are.

Either way, its not a good thing about yourself.

Aside from the actual meaning I thought the poetry was quite good.


I'm truly sorry if I offended you by writing this poem. To answer both of your questions directly I have no sort of mental issue and I am not being a "poser". In fact, the only reason I'm writing this kind of stuff is because my friends are starting a Blackened Death Metal band and I'm trying to improve my writing skills in a way that would suit the lyrical subject of the band.

As far as the poetry being good, since I did ask for some constructive criticism, would you mind telling me what I can do to improve?
#4
when you're writing stuff metal or not, you should at least have some ounce of originality.

this is just the same song metal bands have been writing for the past twenty years.
#5
Quote by TV Party
when you're writing stuff metal or not, you should at least have some ounce of originality.

this is just the same song metal bands have been writing for the past twenty years.

As I said the theme is not the main issue but rather how I can go about expressing it. Your statement dwells on how the theme of murder and killing is so overdone and does little else. What I need is constructive criticism on how I can improve my verses,rhymes, and how I can use better ways to express what I try to convey, not a sermon on how my lyrical subject is so generic.
#6
The incision will leave you breathless,

yeah so did the lyrics.

i dont think its needs improving that much, ..after all it is just a death metal song.

songs about death.