#1
hey there this is a 12 bar blues i wrote for a college songwriting assignment
it had to fit the 12 bar blues structure and be in aab form (two identical 'a' lines followed by a 'b' line that rhymes with the 'a' lines) and also an AAA structure (as in all the sexctions are the same musically and in terms of lyric structure)
its just a rough 1st draft i was wondering what UG thought here goes:
(just imagine an old black man singing this)

That Girl's No Good

that girl's no good, she go out late and she don't come home
that girl's no good, she go out late and she don't come home
she's a one to wander, she's a one to roam

I ask her where she's goin', she says don't wait up
I ask her where she going, she says baby don't wait up
that girl she's trouble, she's gettin' tired of my love

she's been cheatin' and lyin', and doin cocaine
she's been cheatin' and lyin', and doin cocaine
I see her doin' those things, as I stand in the rain

that girl she's a terror, sleepin' round and shooting crack
that girl is a terror, sleepin' round and shooting crack
I gotta find me a nice girl, one who loves me back

that girl's no good, she go out late and she don't come home
that girl's no good, she go out late and she don't come home
she's a one to wander, she's a one to roam

PS:
the first verse is supposed to be a complaint, the second gives the cause of the trouble, third adds detail, fourth is a solution, and the final is a repition of the first verse for closure. I feel i did this reasonably well but it's not too strict we don't have to write it exactly to that.

PPS:
please be honest, i want constructive criticism, not three posts saying "it was good", and two saying "it sucked blues iz 4 gayz"
cheers, will C4C
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#2
okay well it's good, but there one thing that bugs me, and i notice this about a lot of people that write blues lyrics nowadays. it's that just cuz you use good grammar doesn't mean it isn't blues. i mean, you don't have to write like you're from alabama and watnot for to be blues. i suggest writing normally, it will seem more natural, cuz you're not robert johnson so there is no need to write like him. for example, the first line could just be written as "she goes out late and doesn't (or she doesn't) come back home". it's just a suggestion. the lyrics are good, structure wise it's good, but i just don't think it's necessary to go with the whole southern grammar thing. but then again maybe that's how you like it. anyways, it's just a suggestion. crit my song on my profile if you get a chance. it's called "rain on me". thanks!
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#3
thanks dude, ill try it but im not sure it'll fit timing wise if i do that, but cheers
'08 Gretsch White Falcon
'98 Fender USA Deluxe Tele
'79 Greco Les Paul Standard
Airline Stratotone Crafter GAE8

A bunch of funky pedals

Handwired 50 Watt Plexi Lead Clone w/ Orange 4x12