#1
Probably poorly written, wrote it really quick while it was hailing outside. I kinda like it though. havent revised, just transcribed from my notebook. If you would just read please and leave a short comment I'll be sure to get to yours. Cheers.


Hey You, Skidmore Girl (The Dark Starts Here)

The dark starts here,
Across the line drawn in the sand
That you just carved with your painted finger.
Step forward,
Right into the night that moves
Like a ghost, faster than your eye,
Into your center. Step into soul,
Naked on the beach with
What seems to be the final
Exhalation of the world
Escaping as a sharp murmur of
Waves on rocks, huge, anchored, haystacks,
Escaping as your whistle
On the wind, quickening, serrated, torrents.

You somersault like you were
A plover in a thunderstorm,
Just because there’s a vague
Inkling for you to fall,
And tumble, head long
Onto your back and then on your feet.

The dark starts here,
Two of eight, waves of night, blotting out
The boardwalk, sweeping out the light of
Bob’s Shore Shack, Pelican’s brewery,
And wiping off the grandeur that your
Beach house had thirteen years ago.
Covering your eyes and
Coating your skin with such a sudden surge
Of mist and terror, that you know that
This is it.

The dark starts here,
Seeping through your tight lips and
Making porch wind chimes strike out
In an upbeat dirge. You,
Skidmore girl, with your tight breast,
Interview smile, and a desire to go to war
Just to be Hemmingway, or just
To prove you’re important enough
To die.

The dark starts here,
No moon, no stars, dear,
Just you naked to the world,
Without anyone to judge you, just you
Somersaulting.
Haven’t done anything like this
since you had that refrigerator box you
Cut up into the most interesting shapes
Back when you were seven in your
Single mother’s Concord, Mass. Apartment.
You thought you were God then,
Fighting multiples of yourself on the rug,
As if you were zoids or power rangers.

The dark starts here,
The other side of the shoreline you made in the sand,
The edge of the world, the end of the world,
You start singing, on key for once,
Because there’s no one here to watch you,
A simple impromptu hymn about flowers dying
But them going to heaven and living the rest
Of their lives in a new, happy home.
You like when things are absurdly bittersweet,
Your hymn turns into a ballad of Jesus
Taking your virginity. You laugh.

Your college friends love your laugh,
Which is why you stopped touching yourself,
Stopped stroking your cheeks in the bathroom mirror,
Stopped thinking you can see angels,
Stopped pretending
You were better than what your parents lived,
Better than taxes, more magical than income,
Stopped hoping to be that poet-philosopher-actor-painter
Living homeless in France but somehow getting by.

The dark starts here,
Dear, where your voice carries into the complete
Night, where your mouth moves to form those
Words you spent six months arguing with your
Highschool sweetie about whether they meant anything,
Then decided they did, then used them on the phone with
Him for the next 12 weeks and then started hearing
Him say them to Jenna the week following the
“Worst night of your life.”

The dark starts here,
You laugh. Nothing darker or wetter or emptier than this,
You can barely make out the monoliths looming over the
Crashes and your echoes. There’s only two
Rocks you can still see, almost gone now though,
That remind you of when you got a text
Saying that you lost all of Jenna’s trust,
You laughed then because you though she was your BFF.
You laughed again when she died freshman year
At Bennington, fell drunk out of the building,
Maybe jumped, just like you wrote about in your journal
The day you saw her kissing him.
What a lousy son of a bitch, you wrote, what a
Backstabbing bitch, and you let out a
“Nothing you can do but” laugh
Out of the corner of your tight lips.

The dark starts here,
So you laugh ‘till morning,
Whisper “I love you” to the night
As it walks away from you, and,
Without saying so, gives you it’s blessing
To walk north,
Away from your births and deaths,
And into life,
Singing the one line from the song you wrote last night
That you remember,
“The dark starts here, the world starts here.”
#2
I think it's pretty good overall, but this part could be worded a little better cause it seems out of place with the rest of the piece.

"Your college friends love your laugh,
Which is why you stopped touching yourself,
Stopped stroking your cheeks in the bathroom mirror,
Stopped thinking you can see angels,
Stopped pretending [Maybe this part could be moved down in the paragraph, I think it should stand out more]
You were better than what your parents lived,
Better than taxes, more magical than income,
Stopped hoping to be that poet-philosopher-actor-painter
Living homeless in France but somehow getting by."


I've been a fan of your writing for ages now (especially I) and this definitely does credit to your work . I'm sorry I can't really come up with anything better but that's the only real problem bit I had with the whole piece (I did read the whole thing).

I'd really, really appreciate it if you took a quick look at mine. It's my first after a very, very long writer's block so please excuse the ****ty wordwork.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825116
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#4
I will be back to this, I read the first half but am too tired to truly concentrate through the second half.

If you are feeling like jumping the gun and are doing c4c, I'd love your opinion on the equation one in my sig.

Oh, and I pretty much say cancel our 1v1... my piece sucked adn you never took advantage of how bad it was.
#5
Yep, this is good ****.

Unfortunately, I do not have any "concrete" critism for you. It's been awhile since I've seen a "style" of writing like this; it's been awhile since I've taken the time to read someone's work that renders this "style." But great job though, I really loved this. Do you have anything else conveyed in this "style?" - overusage of word.

If you wouldn't mind, take a look at my latest 3 Intercedes. I'd very much appreciate anything said.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 1, 2008,
#6
this is pretty good but like you said the wording could use a little bit of revision. i like it if you would like to get a more detailed oppinion feel free to PM me.
you should take a look at my last piece on here, The Peril Of Ixidore.
baSs_[iN]_ya_faCe
#7
Quote by #1 synth

Hey You, Skidmore Girl (The Dark Starts Here)

The dark starts here,
Across the line drawn in the sand
That you just carved with your painted finger.
Step forward,
Right into the night that moves
Like a ghost, faster than your eye,
Into your center. Step into soul,
Naked on the beach with
What seems to be the final
Exhalation of the world
Escaping as a sharp murmur of
Waves on rocks, huge, anchored, haystacks,
Escaping as your whistle
On the wind, quickening, serrated, torrents.

Just a comment, the beginning of this was good. Quite smooth and sharp, however by the end of this stanza, it felt like it was dragging. It could have either been the fact that I struggled to make the lists "flow" or the fact that I was having trouble connecting up the ideas of haystacks and beaches... either way, didn't like it.

You somersault like you were
A plover in a thunderstorm,
Just because there’s a vague
Inkling for you to fall,
And tumble, head long
Onto your back and then on your feet.

The dark starts here,
Two of eight, waves of night, blotting out
The boardwalk, sweeping out the light of
Bob’s Shore Shack, Pelican’s brewery,
And wiping off the grandeur that your
Beach house had thirteen years ago.
Covering your eyes and
Coating your skin with such a sudden surge
Of mist and terror, that you know that
This is it.

To be honest, I wasn't really digging this up until the stanza below. After this point, it becomes so much more poetic in my eyes. It 'takes off' if you will. The parts above feel labored, like you had to try to make them work as smoothly as you did, the parts below are leaps and bounds above this. I can't point to one thing and say, "damn, there's your problem" but there is definitely something about these upper stanzas that doesn't seal the deal. It may be a general lack of interesting content too. Above it seemed so stuck in metaphor, like it was talking about something ass backward in an ass backward way, leaving me with nothing.

The dark starts here,
Seeping through your tight lips and
Making porch wind chimes strike out
In an upbeat dirge. You,
Skidmore girl, with your tight breast,
Interview smile, and a desire to go to war
Just to be Hemmingway, or just
To prove you’re important enough
To die.

The dark starts here,
No moon, no stars, dear,
Just you naked to the world,
Without anyone to judge you, just you
Somersaulting.
Haven’t done anything like this
since you had that refrigerator box you
Cut up into the most interesting shapes
Back when you were seven in your
Single mother’s Concord, Mass. Apartment.
You thought you were God then,
Fighting multiples of yourself on the rug,
As if you were zoids or power rangers.

Props for the PowerRanger reference. Yeah, I have to reiterate my thoughts above, these two just shot off and grabbed my attention. And after the re-read, I definitely think the big difference is that the top part just seemed so overly-metaphorical that it wasn't tangible or real feeling... this was. You sort of brought in a sarcastic tone and personal touch on everything that was lacking above, and it really sets this apart. I;d love to see it implemented above.

The dark starts here,
The other side of the shoreline you made in the sand,
The edge of the world, the end of the world,
You start singing, on key for once,
Because there’s no one here to watch you,
A simple impromptu hymn about flowers dying
But them going to heaven and living the rest
Of their lives in a new, happy home.
You like when things are absurdly bittersweet,
Your hymn turns into a ballad of Jesus
Taking your virginity. You laugh.

Your college friends love your laugh,
Which is why you stopped touching yourself,
Stopped stroking your cheeks in the bathroom mirror,
Stopped thinking you can see angels,
Stopped pretending
You were better than what your parents lived,
Better than taxes, more magical than income,
Stopped hoping to be that poet-philosopher-actor-painter
Living homeless in France but somehow getting by.

The dark starts here,
Dear, where your voice carries into the complete
Night, where your mouth moves to form those
Words you spent six months arguing with your
Highschool sweetie about whether they meant anything,
Then decided they did, then used them on the phone with
Him for the next 12 weeks and then started hearing
Him say them to Jenna the week following the
“Worst night of your life.”

The dark starts here,
You laugh. Nothing darker or wetter or emptier than this,
You can barely make out the monoliths looming over the
Crashes and your echoes. There’s only two
Rocks you can still see, almost gone now though,
That remind you of when you got a text
Saying that you lost all of Jenna’s trust,
You laughed then because you though she was your BFF.
You laughed again when she died freshman year
At Bennington, fell drunk out of the building,
Maybe jumped, just like you wrote about in your journal
The day you saw her kissing him.
What a lousy son of a bitch, you wrote, what a
Backstabbing bitch, and you let out a
“Nothing you can do but” laugh
Out of the corner of your tight lips.

The dark starts here,
So you laugh ‘till morning,
Whisper “I love you” to the night
As it walks away from you, and,
Without saying so, gives you it’s blessing
To walk north,
Away from your births and deaths,
And into life,
Singing the one line from the song you wrote last night
That you remember,
“The dark starts here, the world starts here.”


To be honest, there were parts of this that were bloody brilliant. But the whole thing was dampered by the the weak intro. At least to me, the intro was no where near as interesting or spellbinding as the rest. I hate the fact you have one stanza that starts without it... I hated the "You Laugh." deal too... that was just weak. It was an enjoyable read, but I can't stress enough that if you had changed the openings it would have made a lot mroe impact, because the whole tone of the piece would have been established at the beginning.

Thanks for getting to mine, I truly appreciate the honesty.

-zC
#8
Very good overall. I have just a few comments/suggestions.

"Escaping as a sharp murmur of" - I think you could change it to "Escaping with a sharp murmur of". I think it would flow better and make more sense with the next line.

"Onto your back and then on your feet." - Take the "on" out - I felt it makes it flow better and gives it a nicer rhythm.

Other than that, I thought the rest of the piece was solid and made some nice references with some nice imagery and metaphorical content (which is always appreciated).

Oh, and crit in my sig, if you please.