#1
Hey guys i just wrote this, its not finished the pace will probably slow down for the end and then it will come back again or something.
Id really appreciate if u could give me some honest feedback or some constructive suggestions how to improve my writing. I write quite a few songs so ill probably start posting more up in the next little while.

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Spiteful In Every Way

A bellowed curse under breath,
as the rain subsides but the cold begins,
convulse to the idea,
a life without beginning an end without start,
no love, no time, no aimless wanderings
through the challenges of being.
A spark causing ignition
a motorised heartbeat choked with sins,
a belief sown into the causway of thought
a glove, a dime, an evidence hearing.


Dont play safe, Dont play games,
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.
Dont fight fair, Dont despair
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.


A whispered prayer in the dark,
as the blame subsides and the tears begin,
convulse to the idea
A life without feeling an era without heart,
my love, my time, my soul of steel
shining in the night.
A dimmer on full
Slowly failing to a darkness within
A relief blown into lungs distraught,
that one, that rhyme, that sweet burning fire.


Dont play safe, Dont play games,
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.
Dont fight fair, Dont despair
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.
#2
Spiteful In Every Way

A bellowed curse under breath,
I like this a lot but because tis antithetical starting the verse on it robs it of some of its power
as the rain subsides but the cold begins,
convulse to the idea,
a life without beginning an end without start,
no love, no time, no aimless wanderings
this bits all quite nice
through the challenges of being.
A spark causing ignition
a motorised heartbeat choked with sins,
a belief sown into the causway of thought
a glove, a dime, an evidence hearing.
there's really strong imagery here, I'd extend on the individual imagery perhaps, make more of it


Dont play safe, Dont play games,
Ohh no no Oh no no
"oh no no" is a bit cliched and used in songwriting too much. for such an esoteric song i'd leave it out
Your spiteful in every way.
Dont fight fair, Dont despair
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.


A whispered prayer in the dark,
as the blame subsides and the tears begin,
convulse to the idea
A life without feeling an era without heart,
my love, my time, my soul of steel
shining in the night.
A dimmer on full
Slowly failing to a darkness within
A relief blown into lungs distraught,
that one, that rhyme, that sweet burning fire.
this whole verse is a nice development on your first

Dont play safe, Dont play games,
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.
Dont fight fair, Dont despair
Ohh no no Oh no no
Your spiteful in every way.


I like it. You say its unfinished; I think with a bti of work it could be quite a nice piece.

Would you mind looking at mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825148