#1
It is the uncertainty that kills me
Hollows me out as I stand
Rises through me, unbeckoned from the earth
Across the tops of my thighs
Between each finger
At the back of my tongue
As drowning would
I could be old, ill
Falling to sh*t in my Sunday best
And still my feet would abhor the ground

Pace is a wonderful, terrible thing,
When excitement descends, unbeckoned from the sky
Like blessing from some unknown, debauched god.
Just as a squall of morning light
Cannot burn this away
A fierce, lusting melody
Cannot fill the room
Because this world shrinks
And time blinks
Stutters and stumbles
And then just
Glistening, wide eyes, grasping hands
And arching backs.

Let me know what you think. Thanks.
#2
This was pretty good, I thought. My greatest critique is that you used so much imagery that the focus and meaning of the poem was convoluted a bit. I'm not sure that a "squall of morning light" makes sense since a squall is a short, sudden violent wind (usually with rain or snow. I wasn't there when you experienced this sunlight, so maybe you're using appropriate imagery, but I can't myself see sunlight being like a violent wind.

Oh well, that may be my fault, I'm just pointing it out.

I'd like a critique, if you have the time: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=824393
The medium is the message!
#4
Quote by conceptne
It is the uncertainty that kills me
Hollows me out as I stand
Rises through me, unbeckoned from the earth
Across the tops of my thighs
Between each finger
At the back of my tongue
As drowning would
I could be old, ill
Falling to sh*t in my Sunday best
And still my feet would abhor the ground
this part was solid until the last three lines, they aren't bad but don't really live up to the rest.

Pace is a wonderful, terrible thing,
When excitement descends, unbeckoned from the sky
Like blessing from some unknown, debauched god.
Just as a squall of morning light
Cannot burn this away
A fierce, lusting melody
Cannot fill the room
Because this world shrinks
And time blinks
Stutters and stumbles
And then just
Glistening, wide eyes, grasping hands
And arching backs.
the first three lines set it up to be a disappointment. though after that you quickly find your feet on the ground. it might read better without the first three lines but you could change them to sound more fluent i guess.

Let me know what you think. Thanks.
voila.
#5
It is the uncertainty that kills me
Hollows me out as I stand
Strong beginning
Rises through me, unbeckoned from the earth
Across the tops of my thighs
Between each finger
At the back of my tongue
As drowning would
I could be old, ill
Falling to sh*t in my Sunday best
And still my feet would abhor the ground
These last 2 lines are good but they change the flow of this poem, which i spose can be a good or bad thing, they also release alot of the mystery behind the rest of this stanza

Pace is a wonderful, terrible thing,
When excitement descends, unbeckoned from the sky
Like blessing from some unknown, debauched god.
Just as a squall of morning light
I agree with the rambler on this one "squall" might not be the perfect word choice, maybe use a more powerful, simpler word to make a stronger metaphor.
Cannot burn this away
A fierce, lusting melody
This is very expressive
Cannot fill the room
Because this world shrinks
And time blinks
Stutters and stumbles
And then just
Glistening, wide eyes, grasping hands
And arching backs.
Beautiful imagery in this stanza, i like it very much

Very nice poem, good work.
#6
I certainly liked the idea of the sexuality in the piece alongside what seemed to be an epicness referencing the earth and God, ecstasy falling from the sky and time standing still.

Though I think you couldd have done so much more and gone so much better with this earth-shatteing moment.

Firsty, punctuation. This needs it, desperatly, some parts read so wrong (for instance the first two lines). Use it, utilise it to control flow (you could, for instance, start with longer sentences then draw down to short ones, mirroring the increased excitement before ending with either a tired climax or a short one). Or you could show the rhythm of the movements in the flow, or something. It needs puncuating, anyhow.

I think the swear was unneccesary. It doesn't need it in thi spiece I don't think. Detracts from the excitement.

I almost loved how you just mentioned certain body parts and the smut with them. You got all the right parts that are innuendos, excellent job. And I really love the ending, "arching backs" really gives a great image.

I just think the other part needs higher quality writing. "abhor the ground" doesn't keep in with the feeling of th epiece, I've already mentioned the line before it.

What you need to do is make sure the lines showing the epicness of the moment still tie in with the innuendos. For instance, the earth rumbling (while not too innovative, holds the meaning together well).

I really liked this, but feel it can be improved upon rather a lot.

C4C? Latest in my sig. Thanks.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
I think the swear was unneccesary. It doesn't need it in thi spiece I don't think. Detracts from the excitement.


Yup, that line is just tacky. It really, really stands out, and not in a good way.
#8
It is the uncertainty that kills me
Hollows me out as I stand
Rises through me, unbeckoned from the earth
Across the tops of my thighs
Between each finger
At the back of my tongue
As drowning would
I could be old, ill
Falling to sh*t in my Sunday best
And still my feet would abhor the ground

Pace is a wonderful, terrible thing,
powerful word use. I was a little, well, 'meh' with it up until now, you really caught my attention here.
When excitement descends, unbeckoned from the sky
Like blessing from some unknown, debauched god.
Just as a squall of morning light
Cannot burn this away
A fierce, lusting melody
Cannot fill the room
Because this world shrinks
And time blinks
Stutters and stumbles
And then just
Glistening, wide eyes, grasping hands
And arching backs.
Great ending. Paints a pretty eloquent picture in my head and thats exactly what I like in poetry...good job, I pretty much loved this.

Its not without its low points, though, that first stanza is a little boring and nothing really unique...it lacks the passion the rest of the piece has.

But its pretty easy to look past.

Thanks alot for the crit, by the way.