#1
It's poetry, and I'm offering the usual crit for crit

Waking up was novel that Mourning

and I can still remember the smell of your
flat as the radiator convected
dusty, dirty heat around the room (it smelt sweet to me)

Given Weston's breeze
sliced right down to my bones
you must of been warming the room
or I was feeling kinda better.

I still smell the
hot air rising and I'd
give up a lot to
give this another shot;

I don't wish to dress
just yet, as washing up
for you has been
what I've been dreaming of.

Given another time and another place

I gotta rush
to college although I know,
that, my grades
will show me to the door.

Show us the door
Last edited by Craigo at Mar 30, 2008,
#2
The two first stanzas did not do much for me. I liked how they painted the picture, introduced what was coming but I could not find a flow, it seemed like just words to me. I enjoyed the 3rd and 4th a bunch more, I felt the rhythm and emotion behind it.

But then I lost it at the conclusion.

It's not a bad piece at all, I just think with a little more cohesion between ideas, between stanzas would really clear it up and augment its potential.

Thanks for checking mine out, always appreciated.
#4
I enjoyed the first two (three if you count that first line) stanzas a lot.

From "I still smell the hot air rising..." to "...what I've been dreaming of" is what really needs work. I'd like to see more of the detail that you had in the first half of the poem.

Back to the second stanza-- you really only need one, "dusty" or "dirty", not both. The parentheses could be on the next line, or maybe even taken out completely. It might be more powerful to smell it, instead of remember the smell of it.

In the third stanza, it should be "must have", not "must of". That's just semantics though. The rest of the stanza is great.

I don't care much for the ending, but if that's where you intend to finish, then I'd like to see how you get there after the help of a revision. I do like the line "show us the door" though. Hope this helped.