#1
I had to Piece it Together from Various Sources and I was Told there was a Moral in it Somewhere.

she's left red-face
out of puff but
puffing on a fag,
watching him high-five his mates
throwing his head back
in laughter. she feels
head spun and out of it
but begins to form a plan.

and it's later, house party
where drum 'n bass crap blares
but no-one's interested, and
coke flows
like snow.
and she's there, crop-topped
or something of the sort
sexified, short skirt, almost
coming on to the entire room.
Speaks in Kandinsky,
art of seduction to music.
and he's floundering,
soon lost in her hot flaps and
wetting his whistle.

around three he pops out
with a funny sound,
dead legged and sick.
the door's locked. pitch black.
she grabs his sack
and squeezes,
he screams and lashes out,
she flies but doesn't let
her grip slip.

bloody hell, that must have hurt.

morning, and it's over.
he walks gingerly back home,
dick between his ball-less legs.


Just a bit of fun. C4C.
#2

she's left red-face
out of puff but
puffing on a fag,
watching him high-five his mates
throwing his head back
in laughter. she feels
head spun and out of it
but begins to form a plan.
I like all of this except "begins to form". It seems almost a tautology. The characterisations good though, particualarly for such a short verse

and it's later, house party
where drum 'n bass crap blares
but no-one's interested, and
coke flows
like snow.
This could do with another look; "snow" is a very tired similie for coke and in my experience never flows
and she's there, crop-topped
or something of the sort
sexified, short skirt, almost
coming on to the entire room.
Speaks in Kandinsky,
art of seduction to music.
and he's floundering,
soon lost in her hot flaps and
wetting his whistle.
I like all of this. There's not much I'd see to improve it.

around three he pops out
with a funny sound,
dead legged and sick.
the door's locked. pitch black.
she grabs his sack
and squeezes,
he screams and lashes out,
she flies but doesn't let
her grip slip.

bloody hell, that must have hurt.
I like this. It made me laugh in a nervous way.

morning, and it's over.
he walks gingerly back home,
dick between his ball-less legs.


I like this, its really good. Like if Carol Ann duffy could actually write.
#3
she's left red-face
out of puff but
puffing on a fag,
watching him high-five his mates
throwing his head back
in laughter. she feels
head spun and out of it
but begins to form a plan.

The first three lines are a good way to start off, I don't see anything I'd change.

and it's later, house party
where drum 'n bass crap blares
but no-one's interested, and
coke flows
like snow.

and she's there, crop-topped
or something of the sort
sexified, short skirt, almost
coming on to the entire room.
Speaks in Kandinsky,
art of seduction to music.
and he's floundering,
soon lost in her hot flaps and
wetting his whistle.

The underlined part should probably be removed, I don't think it adds anything, I actually think it takes away. Other then that this was my favorite stanza, the way it read was perfectly choppy, which I'm sure was intended.

around three he pops out
with a funny sound,
dead legged and sick.
the door's locked. pitch black.
she grabs his sack
and squeezes,
he screams and lashes out,
she flies but doesn't let
her grip slip.

Makes me cringe><, I don't see anything that I would do to improve it, so I think it's good.

bloody hell, that must have hurt.

morning, and it's over.
He walks gingerly back home,
dick between his ball-less legs.

Nice ending, the word 'gingerly' seems perfect.


here's mine if you want
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=826104
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 31, 2008,
#4
Meh, i was gonna go line by line, stanza by stanza... but it would have been a waste. This is the first one of your pieces I've ever read and truly enjoyed all the way through. Normally your pieces have high and low points. You'll have a great line and then a weak line... you'll have a blissfully wonderful idea and poor execution etc... But this time, every word and line seemed to have a purpose. Everything built toward a single image, and created it so smoothly and eloquently that I barely felt like I was reading. I guess its because for once, your piece felt tangible... normally it seems fairly absorbed in your world... like its something I can look into, but not become a part of... but this was class. Beyond all that, I loved that this is open to intepretation... to me, it spoke of a guy losing himself to a girl... as we say in America, becoming whipped. He lost his ballsack to a woman... and lost his manhood... the ability to be with friends and enjoy parties etc. This was a fun read.

Now that I'm done stroking your cock, I will ask that you read my newest one. It's long... but I think it may be a pleasant surprise to you. It's the equation one in my sig.

-zC
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
I had to Piece it Together from Various Sources and I was Told there was a Moral in it Somewhere.

she's left red-face
out of puff but
puffing on a fag,
watching him high-five his mates
throwing his head back
in laughter. she feels
head spun and out of it
but begins to form a plan.

and it's later, house party
where drum 'n bass crap blares
but no-one's interested, and
coke flows
like snow.
and she's there, crop-topped
or something of the sort
sexified, short skirt, almost
coming on to the entire room.
Speaks in Kandinsky,
art of seduction to music.
and he's floundering,
soon lost in her hot flaps and
wetting his whistle.

around three he pops out
with a funny sound,
dead legged and sick.
the door's locked. pitch black.
she grabs his sack
and squeezes,
he screams and lashes out,
she flies but doesn't let
her grip slip.

bloody hell, that must have hurt.

morning, and it's over.
he walks gingerly back home,
dick between his ball-less legs.


Just a bit of fun. C4C.


okay so I like seeing you branch out like this, and I haven't been around much, but this is much different than the stuff I remember reading from you. however, you almost seemed afraid when executing some of these ideas, as if you found it too uncouth, and it came out forced and lackadaisical to me. I had a couple laughs as I went through, and I'm not sure if that was intentionally, but "puffing on a fag" in particular got me, 'cause of the double meaning (forgot the college-level word for that and too lazy to look it up).

in particular, I don't like:
* coke/snow -- cliche to all hell and not used in an imaginative or additive way.
* head spun ... plan -- I don't like the use of foreshadowing or w/e here at all. you're giving away too much. actually this is a large problem I had with this, while you were going for a somewhat blunt, risque story, you completely forgot to use tact and subtlety and it could've been quite useful here.
* bloody hell... -- again too obvious. I don't like the introduction of a third-party commentator here anyways.
* drum/bass -- I LIKE DRUM AND BASS.

* in general, I think you need to make better use of articles, because this is exactly a flowing, structure piece, it'd fit better with somewhat more proper grammar usage in this respect, and when reading it it'll feel less disjointed. THOUGH i know you might be thinking "but it's supposed to be disjointed, i pieced it together from various sources yadayada", I don't think it was used effectively. kinda half in half in between and you should've went at least one direciton with it.

I did like:
coming on to the entire room
you branching out
whatever else I've said I liked previously

I think you should try again with something in this manner, and try harder next time. I really appreciate your comment on mine and I hope I wasn't too blunt!