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#1
It's long... sorry. But it also something I've wanted to write for a while. It isn't supposed to be poetic and its not a song. It was done in 3 minutes, revisions later when I'm more up for it. This one has a LOT of meaning to me. I hope you all can take something out of it too. c4c. EDIT: Sorry for code... only way to get the indents in there without indenting whole sections.

First floor. Going up.

We four pack in, me taking point; center back, which offers the best view. To my left there is a couple: mini-skirt and plaid boy.
She's hanging on his arm, dressed in a pink sweater, white mini-skirt, pink and white argyle stockings that run to her knees;
all topped off with a poor job of throwing some blush over the bruises on her cheeks. In a sense, she's some sort of hybrid
between a walking billboard for Abercrombie, a walking bill board for a Catholic school and a walking billboard for an anorexia hotline.
He stares straight ahead, blue and green plaid shirt running down to tight wranglers and cowboy boots.
Definitely the redneck, "bring me a sammich, woman" type.
On second glance, she's what I like to call a handgun girl. When she finally explodes she'll use a revolver to kill
abusive plaid boy because she can't lift a shotgun and hold it steady.

Third floor. Going up.

Enter Bertha, front and center. Since we live in a world of euphemisms and law suits, I'd say Bertha is a big boned woman;
if we were in any other world, I'd say Bertha has beaten anorexia... with a stick. Going on stereotypes, I'd say she's
returning home after singing and dancing with Jesus in the aisles of a pentecostal church. Judging on body odor, I'd
say the dancing is a great possibility.
I hate to use the word pathetic, but now that I think about it that's what miniskirt is. Every time plaid boy hits her,
she cries. And when she cries she needs a shoulder to cry on. His is the only one available. The more he hits her, the
more she loves him and leans on him; pathetic.
On my right, is the fourth of our original four. He's wearing a name tag, "Hello, my name is David." I think it should read,
"Hello, my name is inconsequential. However, I was voted most likely to die a virgin." Seems a bit more apt to me.
He reeks of English major and business school, and is barking into is phone.
Blah, blah, blah, vicarious, blah blah stock market blah blah exchange rate blah blah.

Forty-fifth floor. Going up.

The virgin and Bertha step off.

Fiftieth floor. Going up.

Plaid boy and miniskirt scamper off. As they leave, some of the extra wind sneaks around the elevator and lifts miniskirt's skirt.
Her left asscheek waves bye to me.
That leaves me for intro-spection. An author who can't deal with the fact that he can control the lives of everyone he meets,
but can't control his own life. He lives in a shitty apartment, he has a book that’s not selling, he has an ex-wife who is drawing
alimony out of a check he doesn't even receive. He has one to many pains in his ass.

Rooftop. Going down.

Just like any author, I want my story to end on a good one liner. "Hey elevator, I'll race you to the ground."
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 30, 2008,
#2
that is a very meaningful...story i guess you would call it.

however i do not understand the title.


i am in love with the ending.
#3
Wow, you put a lot of thought into that piece right there. Just out of a simple elevator ride, you found story and meaning (well, you could say meaning) out of it. I enjoyed reading that though. Are you an author or inspiring to be one? Well, nice work.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
that is a very meaningful...story i guess you would call it.

however i do not understand the title.


i am in love with the ending.


The title has a lot to do with the piece. It is the impulse formula from basic physics. I=f8(delta)t wikipedia it. Hopefully it makes more sense.


Thanks for the comments though guys.

EDIT: and no, no where near an author nor an aspiring one. I just write for fun.
#5
also, is this based on true events?

EDIT: i googled the formula. I'm more confused than before. i think i liked it more as a pretty pattern.

my guess is that it has something to do with going off the roof. or going up in the elevator, then falling down.

thanks anyway.

great work well done.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Mar 30, 2008,
#6
Quote by ginjaninja
also, is this based on true events?

EDIT: i googled the formula. I'm more confused than before. i think i liked it more as a pretty pattern.

my guess is that it has something to do with going off the roof. or going up in the elevator, then falling down.

thanks anyway.

great work well done.


Loosely based on true events. And the formula basically says that the amount of force applied to any object is proportional to how quickly speed changes. Its basically a formula to calculate how much damage is done by an impact.
#11
Daaaang.

I loved this. "Euphamisms and lawsuits," "beaten anorexia with a stick," the whole crying-on-shoulder ordeal... there's so many good things in this.

And you even put in a punchline.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#12
Thank you for having enough confidence in your idea to write clean prose. It made reading this pleasurable.

You have a good voice.
The idea was a good one.

The ending was clever, and likewise the title.

That guy would never be an English major.
#14
Awesome writing man. Did you really mean 'forty-fifth' floor? Or was that a typo?
The ending was great in itself.

hahahaha..."bring me a sammich, woman"...
#16
"breakthrough," meaning, this is the first piece i've read of yours without feeling like it was basically all forced out - no offense.
The complexity masked by the simplicity of it all is genious. congrats.
#17
Quote by ottoavist
"breakthrough," meaning, this is the first piece i've read of yours without feeling like it was basically all forced out - no offense.
The complexity masked by the simplicity of it all is genious. congrats.


Ok, thanks mate. To be honest, unless you've been lurking for a while before you posted... you caught me in a downspell. I mean, I'm new to writing and not much of an author... but I did hit a high point around December and January (at least to myself). Since then, I've had no inspiration and have been writing just to keep writing.
#18
definitely know what you mean....usually when i get "the block," it stays with me until i completely switch up my style. i think it's a subconscious instinct that lets us know we're ready to move up a level.

i'll definitely check out your other pieces though, but as of right now, this is my favorite.
#19
this is verry well done. I'll try to give as much insight to this as you gave me in my post.
to be honest the first line is the weakest out in this. to me it didn't rightly showcase how well done this piece acctually was. had you not asked me for a comment i probly would have ended there. I loved the "handgun girl" line and with your permission i would like to use that analogy in a piece of my own (PM for "whys" or if you think i'm a dick for asking)
you might have said "a walking bill board for.." a little too much but it really doesn't make a difference.
the body is very powerfull and it is my guess this is nowhere near your 1st time writing like this.
the end is the best part. "rooftop going down" is fantastic as the hint of whats to come hit me like a drunken sailor. in honesty i believe the elivator would lose that one.
well done ZC PM me for further questions or comments
baSs_[iN]_ya_faCe
Last edited by xoxbradxox at Mar 31, 2008,
#21
That was fantastic on so many levels, I honestly don't think I deserve to crit this, so I'll just keep it at praise if thats okay.

You had some really great imagery there. Its bits of work like these that give me something to aspire for.
#22
I enjoyed the ending. Can't think of anything constructive to say so catch me on msn sometime and hopefully I'll have some thoughts.
#23
i really enjoyed this. you've provided some very astute social commentary, but in a manner that reflects your (from what i've seen here on UG) personality. thanks for the good read.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#25
ug, I really thought this was too ordinary to garner anything more than a "solid." You're working in a two dimensional world here where everything exists as a statement. She "is" tall. We "live" in a world where [one sided assertion]. Now this can be fine for a story, Hemingway and Baldwin, with their short omniscient sentences created great works. But the reason they were great was because those lines were justified by complex and, by extension, three dimensional characters. Now, I get it, it's witty because it's an "author" stereotype judging other stereotypes (or his perception of them) and this creates an irony. Okay. So? I found myself asking "so what?" so many times in this that I got taken out of the story. I didnt care why anyone was there or why they were inconsequential.

To reiterate: I felt that you created flat stock characters in a flat "only used to set up a punchline" setting in the elevator, in a meandering and overly descriptive of things I dont care about way.

Now, how to make me care, and not just have a "solid" writing exercise and actually have an engaging short story. One word: emotion. This reeked of a mixture of misplaced emotion and absence of emotion. Eventually I came to the conclusion that you, the author, didn't give a **** about any of the happenings or the characters in the piece. And when I didn't feel that I felt like you were just saying things about people just because. She's going to kill him with a shotgun. So? It was plainly stated, just there, and didnt really build to anything except a type of "social commentary" that I found had few engaging things in it for a reader.

That said. it was "solid."

I would say more but my laptop is about to die.
#26
i loved it, i really enjoyed your sardonic impressions of your characters. i think we are all alittle guilty of passing judgment on people as a hobby. nice work
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vox cab
#27
aright. I will full crit this later, but for now I'll just give my opinion. I disagree with synth in that this is "average," I personally think its the best I've ever read from you (I think I said that about your last piece too ) I like it because its so much more personal than your usual stuff, it seems to actually have a meaning behind it. And it is not afraid to show that, your other pieces always seem like they are hiding behind a pretty or vocabulary or tongue in cheek commentary. I like it best when it reads honest like this one.

hope that was helpful
#28
I really liked reading this piece. I thought the who statement about being a handgun girl and about her being pathetic for crying on his shoulder was a quite interesting. I also found the narrator's tone to be very pleasant. Not pleasant because he was happy person, but pleasant because it fit so well with the story. The only thing I didn't like about theis piece was at the end when we catch a glimpse of miniskirts ass. Call me what you wi8ll, but I really see this as a distraction rather than an enhancement to the story. Anyways, really good, man.
#29
Quote by bluesybilly
aright. I will full crit this later, but for now I'll just give my opinion. I disagree with synth in that this is "average," I personally think its the best I've ever read from you (I think I said that about your last piece too ) I like it because its so much more personal than your usual stuff, it seems to actually have a meaning behind it. I like it best when it reads honest like this one.


In the context of this site it is well above average, striving for an interesting delivery and delving into *gasp* prose, we both know this. Also, I dont disagree with this being one of the best I've read from Zackk. For the record, I never called this average, I said it was ordinary and solid sure, but never average. I dont disagree with what you stated in that "its so much more personal than [zackkk's] usual stuff" either.

However, I do completely disagree with you on your inference that this "more personal than usual" blunt style is really that personal at all. Through the piece characters are brought up quickly, torn down quickly, and the narrator is so inconsistent in how he describes everything (except for his thread of pessimism of human nature) that there is no way for a reader to get invested in anything happening.

Admit it, you got involved with the progress that Zackkkk has made with this piece, not with the piece itself.

Like I said, it's solid, a fun exercise in place and character, but little more except for a silly moral that (IMO) was poorly set up.

You are improving though, just dont think that this is your final goal.



https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825075
#30


Ok.

The characterisation lacks a lot. It is all telling and not showing. I mean, calling them mini-skirt and plaid boy is a cool way to introduce them. But the rest of it, (basically the rest of the paragraph) is a very bland way of characterisation. The best way is to show, through actions and physical description the persons personality. You told too much. I mean, yes it was kinda put in a kinda original and fun way, but (i think) for the reader to care about these characters it's not the way to go about. And also, by the end, I really didn't care what clothes they wore.

Now to go through it.

First floor. Going up.

We four pack in This is awkwardly phrased. It assumes that you know these people, but you don't. So it should be "there were four of us" or something. We is generally used for a group of people known to each other. , me taking point; center back, which offers the best view. To my left there is a couple: mini-skirt and plaid boy. See, I like this straight-forward naming of characters. Fits me like a glove.
She's hanging on his arm, dressed in a pink sweater, white mini-skirt, pink and white argyle stockings that run to her knees; Ugh to the reptition of mini-skirt. Ugh to the over-the-top description of every thread she's wearing. It doesn't add anything to the character. So what a pink sweater? It tells us little. Tell us, for instance, that she was hiding in her pin ksweater and, well, it gets interesting. Just for example.
all topped off with a poor job of throwing some blush over the bruises on her cheeks. You could have done this so muhc moe subtley. Heck, using the above example, could've just said she was hiding behind her make-up. The bluntness killed the idea. In a sense, she's some sort of hybrid
between a walking billboard for Abercrombie, a walking bill board for a Catholic school and a walking billboard for an anorexia hotline.
He stares straight ahead, blue and green plaid shirt running down to tight wranglers and cowboy boots.
Definitely the redneck, "bring me a sammich, woman" type. While I feel this bit works a bit better, I'm sure there's just one thing you can point on to show the stereotype.
On second glance, she's what I like to call a handgun girl. When she finally explodes she'll use a revolver to kill
abusive plaid boy because she can't lift a shotgun and hold it steady. This is okay, it's a good idea but executed far to verbosely. [/N]

Third floor. Going up.

Enter Bertha, front and center. Since we live in a world of euphemisms and law suits, I'd say Bertha is a big boned woman; I chuckled at this. It was put well, and it characterises the author.
if we were in any other world, I'd say Bertha has beaten anorexia... with a stick. Same here. Going on stereotypes, I'd say she's
returning home after singing and dancing with Jesus in the aisles of a pentecostal church. Judging on body odor, I'd
say the dancing is a great possibility. This was too far. Again, far too blunt, far too boring. It's, ugh, it's frustrating.
I hate to use the word pathetic, but now that I think about it that's what miniskirt is. Every time plaid boy hits her, mini-skirt. Use the hyphen. Keep it constant.
she cries. And when she cries she needs a shoulder to cry on. His is the only one available. The more he hits her, the
more she loves him and leans on him; pathetic. This again has shades of good idea but again I can't help but feel the execution was not smooth enough, It's too wordy, there's some way you can put this so much better. I'm all for prose but writing in prose doesn't mean you can't be add a little ambiguity and leave things to the connotation rather than denoting everything.
On my right, is the fourth of our original four. He's wearing a name tag, "Hello, my name is David." I think it should read,
"Hello, my name is inconsequential. However, I was voted most likely to die a virgin." Seems a bit more apt to me. This gain showed the authhor's personality.
He reeks of English major and business school, and is barking into is phone.
Blah, blah, blah, vicarious, blah blah stock market blah blah exchange rate blah blah. This last line just felt immature, tbh. Kinda really poor.

Forty-fifth floor. Going up.

The virgin and Bertha step off. Now, this is far better. It adds new dimensions; they just live on the same floor? They together? You wouldn't expect it. Ambiguity, very very good. Get's the reader thinking, and see, for once, subtlety in characterisation. This was a relief. Except; BErtah used the lift to go up some random amount of floors? That's the only thing that got me. She should be in the lift already, I think. Maximises the impact of this.

Fiftieth floor. Going up.

Plaid boy and miniskirt scamper off. As they leave, some of the extra wind sneaks around the elevator and lifts miniskirt's skirt. miniskirts skirt is neither good nor clever reptition.
Her left asscheek waves bye to me. This image seems not relevant at all.
That leaves me for intro-spection. An author who can't deal with the fact that he can control the lives of everyone he meets,
but can't control his own life. He lives in a shitty apartment, he has a book that’s not selling, he has an ex-wife who is drawing
alimony out of a check he doesn't even receive. He has one too many pains in his ass. Again, too much telling, not enough showing. Yo could have shown this sort of thing in what I think are the higher points of this piece; where the author is somewhat cynicial about people. Although I don think has elements that are slightly smarted than earlier parts, I still think it's too blunt.

Rooftop. Going down.

Just like any author, I want my story to end on a good one liner. "Hey elevator, I'll race you to the ground." Okay, this punchline as an ending? Destroys everything I ever cared about any of the chracters you spent so long indescribing. This has no clever twist in it, the ending doesn't link up to any of the other characters, we don't learn anything more, there's no real message here. Yes, it's prose not a poem, but heck, there should be something it makes me feel. It makes the rest seem just a set-up.


There were a coupl eof good lines in this thrown together with some bad characterisation and fussy description. Some ideas were good but the ending then made everything before it seem of little relevence to actual life by being just a set-up for a punchline. Any piece that is purely written for the irony is a waste for me, because it leaves the reader just thinking so what? so what?

I could say this is an improvement. But I could also say that I hope there's more to come.

Hoe I helped in any way. I'm harsh.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 4, 2008,
#31
oh and, because I can't edit my post, I agree with synth, seeing as we said some of the same words. it seems we're the bitterest critiquers on the forum.

and excuse the awful typing in the crit.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 4, 2008,
#32
Thanks Jamie, your critiques are always some of the best.

To defend my work as I always say I shouldn't, every character in this is me. All of this is so interlaced with my life, which is why I chose to describe it in the way I did. But I understand where you are coming from as well.

Thanks.
#34
excellent last line. I live for last lines like that
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#35
I think you're developing your voice well, but it seems inconsistent. I didn't like the contrast between the factual descriptions and the conversational descriptions. But it may just be my mood because on another day I might appreciate the contrast. I'd perhaps agree with those who have said the character build up seemed pointless or whatever, even though I did enjoy how you painted the pictures well. Now that I'm re-reading this, the ending seems a little unrelated. It's as if somebody ripped a page out of my book, an important page. The part from "That leaves me for intro-spection" to "I'll race you to the ground" seems to have lept from another story almost. I enjoyed that part the most, though. If somehow there could be another installment to this, I'd definitely read it. Keep writing prose!
#37
Don't apologize for harshness. That is what I want, and I really appreciate how much time it took for a response like that. And you were right, this is long, but I give you my word I will do my best to crit this, though it may take awhile. On a side note, do you know of any examples where that style is used well? thanks.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Apr 9, 2008,
#38
****ing brilliant.

Well-written, simple, and with a very clever ending.

I have nothing bad to say about this.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#39
as usual, i disagree with pretty much everyone

i thought the inconsistency in the narrator is what made the piece so raging to read and so engaging to me,
i kept asking myself why you were saying the things you were saying,
but by no means did that make me enjoy the piece less or want to stop reading.
i wanted to read because you make me feel like the man who learnt it all. and we all know what happened to the man who learnt it all (he laughed forever..)
i found the blunt descriptions of the characters interesting and your voice was one that i wanted to hear.

synth and jamie remind me of the man who went to woolworths to buy a jigsaw puzzle and then realised that they were all out of stock so he walked out and saw the exact jigsaw puzzle he wanted,
lying on top of a book at the front of the store,
but was annoyed that the puzzle wasn't in the right section and so didn't buy it even though he wanted it and instead went home and had a bath to calm himself down and wished he had a jigsaw to do.

if there's anything that this piece needs it's just the few DISGUSTING lines to be removed like the man who smashed a glass i think the humour is what made it not matter that it might have been two dimensional or something of that nature.

i found it hilarious.. i laughed out loud several times and cackled and almost jumped out the window but then stopped myself because i am having an extension built at the moment and i only would of landed on the scaffolding and it wouldn't have been nearly as effective.d
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