#1
Hey guys I wrote this after me and my mom got in a big arguement. Its not the best song in the world and I have 2 versions of it so let me no which one you like better and ways to improve it Thanks guys

1st version

Look at her
See through her disguise
All you have to do
is look in her eyes

Fussing over stupid s***
its driving me
to the end of my wit
How can you not see?

Shes wears a mask
to cover up her insanity
but it does not do the task
I'm losing my sanity

Look at her
See through her disguise
All you have to do
is look in her eyes

okay thats the first version and personally I like the 2nd better but I want to no what you think

Fussing over stupid s***
Its driving me
to the end of my wit
How can you not see

She wears a mask
to cover her insanity
It does not do the task
I'm losing my sanity

Look at her
See through her disguise
All you have to do
Is look in her eyes

Things won't get better
She forced me to
write yu this good-bye letter
I had to go

She wears a mask
to cover her insanity
It does not do the task
I'm losing my sanity


well there are both versions let me no what y'all think and I will crit 4 crit
#3
i agree that the seconds better. The rhymings pretty bland. The ABAB structure isnt goin good for you here. theres a typo you have yu instead of you in the second to last stanza. There's not a lot of meat to it either. You should probably go into greater detail. Add another verse or two. and add some more adjectives. maybe beef up the vocabulary a little bit. And try to experimetn with writing in different structures. could you check mine out? links in the sig.
#4
i always wrote in epic sort of verse, so "fussing" doesn't fit with me, but put down to the right music, and the lyrics would sound good.
You never know how much you shine, forty miles from the sun
#5
Quote by therealtater
I like the 2nd better but I want to no what you think

Fussing over stupid s***
Its driving me
to the end of my wit
How can you not see

She wears a mask
to cover her insanity
It does not do the task
I'm losing my sanity

Look at her
See through her disguise
All you have to do
Is look in her eyes

Things won't get better
She forced me to
write yu this good-bye letter
I had to go

She wears a mask
to cover her insanity
It does not do the task
I'm losing my sanity


well there are both versions let me no what y'all think and I will crit 4 crit



I feel there is a little forced rhyme. It's gotta do with the ABAB rhyme structure of the song.
I understand where this song is coming from. but maybe you could improve it by deviating it from that one situation in your life and using a broader picture.
That's my 2cents anyways.

Btw, i feel strongly against rhyming 2 words with the same root word.
i.e. Insanity and Sanity
maybe

She wears a mask
to cover her lies
It does not do the task
I'm losing myself at last

Just a suggestion.


C4C plox!
Haha.
its ok if you dont want to.
Hope it helps =)
#6
Biggest thing you can do to improve it is to say something nice about your mom if you're going to write a song about her. This song makes you sound like a spoiled little whiney teenaged bitch.
#7
For those of yall that helped me, thanks, and for those of you that called me a whinny teenage bitch, you can go **** yourself you dont no what i have to go through so you need to shut up
#8
Quote by corndogggy
Biggest thing you can do to improve it is to say something nice about your mom if you're going to write a song about her. This song makes you sound like a spoiled little whiney teenaged bitch.


rotflmao.
agreed.