#1
Song (it sorta has a melody to it).
Not exactly sure on the title but guess it should do for now as this is the 1st draft.

Ode to the One Loved By All

Living inside
this broken fantasy of mine.
A broken dream
you shattered with your own feet.
I gave you a hand
you chewed with your sharp teeth.
Cut me apart
and suck me dry,
you make me alive!
(Just see me die)

This hate
channeled though all my rage.
Makes it way
into the darker side of mine..
Now can you justify
the fire which burns
deep down within
the taste of your skin
getting me closer to sin
falling down with you
into this strange darkness
I don't know what i do
Maybe I just wanna hurt you!

And feel alive
A pain I can't justify
You make me alive...

Breathe..
and burn down
break it down
the memory
the lies.

Can you feel the pain
that you owe to me,
the promise you made
the one you couldn't keep,
the tears you shed
they heal my wounds,
its something i can't get enough of
I wanna see you cry!

And feel alive
A pain i can't justify
you make me alive...

-Af

So yeah, its quite dark written at a low point of my life.
Lemme know what ye think of it.
I'll highly appreciate it and return the favor!
Last edited by af_the_fragile at Mar 30, 2008,
#2
Living inside
this broken fantasy of mine.
A broken dream
you shattered with your own feet.
I gave you a hand
you chewed with your sharp teeth.
Cut me apart
and suck me dry,
you make me alive!
(Just see me die)


I reeeeally like this verse. Very strong opening. I'd take out "own" and "sharp" just to make the lines a little shorter. I think it might sound better.


This hate
channeled though all my rage.
Makes it way
into the darker side of mine..
Now can you justify
the fire which burns
deep down within
the taste of your skin
getting me closer to sin
falling down with you
into this strange darkness
I don't know what i do
Maybe I just wanna hurt you!


The rhyming here seems a little disconnected. You've got a chunk of lines in the middle that rhyme and they sound good, but don't really fit with the piece. It's sounding like you want to sex up the person you want to hurt. I'd omit those and stick with the whole "darkness inside" theme, and the vengefulness.


And feel alive
A pain I can't justify
You make me alive...


"And" sounds funny here, since this section is separate. How about "I" instead?


Breathe..
and burn down
break it down
the memory
the lies.


If you're going for a bridge, this sounds like a good one.


Can you feel the pain
that you owe to me,
the promise you made
the one you couldn't keep,
the tears you shed
they heal my wounds,
its something i can't get enough of
I wanna see you cry!


This sounds great except for those last two lines, they kinda killed the rhyming scheme. But that's easily fixed, just come up with a different way to word it.


And feel alive
A pain i can't justify
you make me alive...


Same suggestion as above.


Haha, you weren't lying when you said you were going through a dark phase. This sounds like you want someone's blood. You've got a lot of powerful images going on here, especially in the first verse. That was my favorite part. Pretty good for a first draft.

I hope you don't take offense to my whole "dissecting" way of critting. I just figure I'd try to be as helpful as possible. Show me the revised piece sometime, I think it's got a lot of potential.
...

#3
Hey, thanks for the crit.

You did get the ideas right there. Its sorta a mix of some sorta sadistic lust and hatred for the subject.
Using the concept of pain making you feel alive. In this case you're already hurt but you wanna hurt the person who has caused all your pain and take pleasure in hurting that person feeling it justifies your pain in some sorta sadistic way. But it really doesn't justify anything, you just wanna hurt the person and feel good about it. Vengeance is sweet!

And the stuff you pointed out was something i wasn't sure about myself.
I first wrote the first verse without the words "own" and "sharp" but then later i felt like adding them in to intensify the emotions, still wasn't quite happy with them so i left it to work on the later drafts.
The 2nd verse is completely emotionally driven. It lacks structure and timing. And yeah i wanna sex up the subject in there! Another thing i left to work on the 2nd draft while i refine the timing of the song too.
The last 2 lines of the last verse were later additions/editions too. It was originally "i want you hurt like me" but something made me change it...
And the chorus bit in the begining was just "a pain i can't justify, you make me feel alive". Another change i wasn't happy about...

Songwriting is pretty simple. If you feel something doesn't quite fit, probability is it doesn't really fit!

Anyway, i'll have the revised piece soon. I really like this one and pretty sure its gonna be a part of my concept solo project.

And don't worry bout the darkness of it all. I'm not that bad a person in reality. Its just too much NIN and Tool speaking!
Last edited by af_the_fragile at Apr 6, 2008,