#1
I watch as the light unravels
From the twisted shadows of night
The shadows set from your figure;
the figure that once stood alight

I hear echoes of your once fearless voice
A voice I know longer seem to notice
Drowned within the fluttering raven wings
Crushing petals of a divine lotus

Now the time has been disfigured;
disfigured beyond repair

The once radiant glows fade to a grieving gray;
gray as the bleak look within the eyes of a wretch
Who aches for the coming of may
Last edited by DeathBySpoon at Apr 1, 2008,
#2
This started out quite promising. I was very excited after reading the first stanza, as it showed some good control of the wording and general idea you were conveying. However, I found that this really went downhill as you went along. It seemed that you had spent a lot of time on the first stanza, and the rest was sort of filled in to make it a full poem. This showed to me. For example, in stanza two... your last two lines are quite weak and unpoetic. They also drag down the flow you had going. And then in stanza four... the ideas there seem unfinished. Like you didn't give me as a reader quite enough to truly draw out what you wanted me to understand.

This shows some potential... I just don't feel that you fully reached it with this piece. It's quite a good start though, it just needs something more to really set it apart as excellent.

If you could return comments on the one that looks like an equation in my sig, I'd appreciate it.

-zC
#5
Quote by DeathBySpoon
I watch as the light unravels
From the twisted shadows of night
The shadows set from your figure;
the figure that once stood alight

I hear echoes of your once fearless voice
A voice I no longer seem to notice
Drowned within the fluttering raven wings
Crushing petals of a divine lotus

Now the time has been disfigured;
disfigured beyond repair

The once radiant glows fade to a grieving gray;
gray as the bleak look within the eyes of a wretch
Who aches for the coming of may



This is better. Much more composed throughout the whole thing. Now it just feels like it needs a bit more. It doesn't quite draw to a close, in a sense, the ending is to abrupt. I'd recommend finding someway to soften the ending a bit and not make it feel like such a cut-off. Unless, of course, that was the way you wanted it to be.

You're headed in the right direction, IMO. Good work.