#1
Verse 1:
Awake again
Teeming with dread
The day fast approaches
Just a tool in a broken* shed
A worn out has-been


Chorus:
And then we bolted
Left our lives and ran all night
Never looked back
Never lost sight
Of the life we should be livin'

Verse 2:
Moment to rest
Far to damn hard
The day quickly dwindles
A twig snapped by the Wealthys' vanguard
We'll never pass this test


Verse 3:
Lets break this chain
Escape the fray
The night beckons us
We can be the ones who got away
No longer shall we remain another Tantalus


Bridge:
we ran
AND WE RANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN


Chorus:
And then we bolted
Left our lives and ran all night
Never looked back
Never lost sight
Of the life we should be livin'


Outro:
Never looked back
Never lost sight
Of the life we should be livin'
the life we should be livin'...


I know there are some weak points in this and i would appreciate some help.
I'm also not sure how the first few verses/choruses should be arranged.
I hoping to make this into a solo acoustic type piece.
Well let me know what ya think.
Any criticism is appreciated.

This is my first post on UG btw

Peace
Last edited by redwood13 at Mar 31, 2008,
#2
Biggest thing that stands out to me is that the simplicity and down-home language of the chorus really doesn't match the exotic imagery of the verses at all. You've got all these indirect metaphors and exotic images and uncommon words or phrases like Tantalus and the Wealthys' vanguard, then the chorus turns into a very simple Bruce Springsteen or John Cougar Mellancamp anthem of sorts. The language really needs to be more similar. Either be straighter on the verses or more exotic on the chorus, they don't match.