#1
tis my first song, and its kinda personal to me as its about someone.

missed love
its fair to say youve let me feeling really blue
after all the stuff weve been through
just when i believed we had another chance
you left me hurt in some silly trance

now that im left here in the dark and cold
knowing now i shoulda listened to what i was told

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

now my fairytale world is shattered
and how ive lost what really mattered
ill always have you in my heart
even now that we are apart
said were still best friends
till the very very end

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

how can it be ill love you forever (and ever)
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you (you)
i no longer know what to do (what to do)
lost without the me and you (you and me)
#2
Sweet. these lyrics are fricken awesome... all I'd change is where it says"its fair to say youve left me feeling really blue"

Other than that i love these lyrics. Especially this part

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

very catchy
#5
its fair to say youve let me feeling really blue
after all the stuff weve been through
just when i believed we had another chance
you left me hurt in some silly trance

left me i think you ment? the rhyme seems a bit forced between blue and through. the rhyme agian sounds forced with chance and trance. advise right off the bat, you dont have to make it rhyme to make it sound good. i mean it helps but if you forcing it , it will read funny and it will be obvious, maybe not to you but to a reader it will.

now that im left here in the dark and cold
knowing now i shoulda listened to what i was told

maybe take out knowing and just have "now i shoulda listened to what i was told"

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

maybe talk out the i'm so lost without you. repeditive with the lost without me and you. the rhyme seems forced again with forever and never, i love the last line though. made me chuckle. it's cute. the first line also just sounds.. funny. maybe like- you said you'd love me forever/ when we had never been together. iono jsut throwin it out there.

now my fairytale world is shattered
and how ive lost what really mattered
ill always have you in my heart
even now that we are apart
said were still best friends
till the very very end

take out "world is" and put in was. one because is is present and shattered is past and the world is useless it just fills up syllables. take out "and how" second line once again, jsut fills up space. the "said were still best friends/ tillt eh very very end" maybe do "we said we'd still be best friends/ right up till the very end"

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

repeat

how can it be ill love you forever (and ever)
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you (you)
i no longer know what to do (what to do)
lost without the me and you (you and me)

repeat.

Overall it was.. medicore. many of the idea's are a bit cliche. but you definitly put emotion into it, which is a plus. you dindt really break any ground with this but it wasnt bad by no means. i kno you said your new, sorry to be relentless about my critique. watch your rhymes.. i dont wanna say the suck, but.. some of them seemed very forced, it's hard to catch it by yourself, i kno because i've done it before and it took sum1 else to catch it; and your here soo.. lol. keep at it. once again.. i dont think writting is about being accomplished, you should do it for yourself.- crit one of mine? in sig. it's a bit old.. havent writtin one in some time.. but thats the most recent piece i've done..
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#7
no song's dont and niether do poems. songs are relaly poems too, rhyming is not a must, some times it just sounds good. like couplet's
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#9
I'm sorry that happened to you. I just went to your myspace by the way, beautiful voice. You should sing this one and put it up.
#11
Quote by Coz1Os
I'm sorry that happened to you. I just went to your myspace by the way, beautiful voice. You should sing this one and put it up.


haha!!! awwwww thankyou !!
i will. its just the getting round to it, at the moment. havnt done much music stuff at all last 2 weeks, scince ma grandad passed away >_<
i will soon i think


Quote by deceiveroffools
i loved this song, the lyrics are really good

yay thankyou xxx
#12
its fair to say youve let me feeling really blue
after all the stuff weve been through
just when i believed we had another chance
you left me hurt in some silly trance

Not bad at all, I'm not sure about the last line so much though; sounds like you're trying a little to hard to make it rhyme. I'd probably substitute 'stuff' for 'everything that we've been though', though that depends of course on the rhythm of the song.

now that im left here in the dark and cold
knowing now i shoulda listened to what i was told


Good. A bridge I guess? Nothing more I can add, works well and seems pretty balanced.

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you

Don't like the line 'yet the love we had will be never'. If you can come up with something similar which sounds less forced, you'll be on to a winner of a chorus here.

now my fairytale world is shattered
and how ive lost what really mattered
ill always have you in my heart
even now that we are apart
said were still best friends
till the very very end

Okay, maybe a bit generic but if it says how you feel that's all that matters, right? Maybe try a little more use of metaphor in future, but on the whole it's pretty decent. The last line is a weak point, again try focusing on the meaning of the song itself rather than simply making it rhyme. The 'very very' sounds a little immature.

how can it be ill love you forever
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you
i no longer know what to do
lost without the me and you


how can it be ill love you forever (and ever)
yet the love we had will be never
im so lost without you (you)
i no longer know what to do (what to do)
lost without the me and you (you and me)


I can see how the rest of the song's going to pan out from there, not bad at all though the chorus needs a bit of work to stop it from sounding contrived. It's a nice simple rhyming scheme, so you should have no problems coming up with something. The verses are both strong up until the last line or two where it feels like you've worked too hard to make everything rhyme.

On the whole I think it'd make a decent ballad. And if it really is the first song you've written then it's bloody brilliant, frankly. After seven years of writing I still find it hard to put down my thoughts on paper, so you've done a damn good job there. Best of luck with any future writing, if you can do an acoustic demo of the song it'd be interesting to hear how it's supposed to sound.
#13
wow this is really could
i'm not gonna be like everyone else and try to find something wrong with it...
AMAZING!