#1
When poisons are sweet;
Bitter twisted, transformed
Into colours alive,
Pink, yellow, orange.
And a pen scratches names
One after one again
But these people won’t scream
They won’t come to their end,
They’ll be given new minds
To bring them new thoughts
To fall in love with bland
Sand-covered rocks,
To forget what is art,
To belie their own hearts,
To become remiss
Is the sought-after bliss,
And I love to be named
By these things that I do
By people and rocks,
For I love stones too.
#2
Wow...this is really good but I'm thinking it's more like a poem than a song. Maybe you can work on organizing it in a different way. Also, it sort of hard (well, for me so maybe you can count this out =/) to get the idea so maybe you can use more words to describe what this song's all about . But I really like the overall theme! Unless I'm completely wrong , but anyways. Keep it up!
#3
That was a fun read.

To haiyo4; obviously it's a poem...either that or a mathcore-ish type song.

Okay, first off, really vivid. The imagery was good. I particularly enjoyed the last few lines, and the last one nailed it. It gives me a feeling of like...hmmmm...the beauty of even the most simple, seemingly boring things. Also, it makes me think that people's thoughts vary greatly, and that one person may like "rocks" but you like "stones" which are essentially the same things, albeit the size.

Of course I'm probably way off on what you were attempting, but that's what I think, and it's beautiful. Really solid job. If you could, maybe leave a comment on "Cue" in my sig? It would appreciated. Thanks.

Mark
#4
Yeah it is a poem.
And, you didn't really get the point that I was trying to make, but hell, I like to write so people can interpret for themselves, so the fact that you got something out of it, and that it has meaning to you is great.
To be honest I'm a lot more cynical than you give me credit for.

Thanks for the reads though.
#5
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the rhyme scheme. It kept the piece flowing and seemed very natural, not forced at all. The one line that really bothered me was "Pink, yellow, orange". I don't think it was necessary to describe the colors. However, I loved the "To fall in love with bland" line. Anyways, nice job, man.
#6
The best that I've read from you.

And personally the "pink, yellow, orange" line was one of my favorite parts.

Good stuff.
#7
yea, when i read it, it sounded more like a poem to me. but i think its still good work! nice job