#1
This is unfinished, and whipped up in between two days. Basically, I started writing it after watching these documentaries in class where Bush and all the other government officials were giving speeches. I noticed everytime Bush went to speak, he would look down at his paper. Now, I know you can't remember everything, but there is no way that man writes his own speeches. I think he has a personal speech writer anyways...but A LITTLE OFF TOPIC...anyways, the lyrics aren't complete; I was hoping to add another verse or two, and I need opinion mainly on the chorus. C4C. I would see this being a metalish/punk song perhaps, but I'll let people tell me what they think.

Cue

Walk to the podium, eyes on the ground
A hundred thousand people look your way
You try to speak, but out comes no sound
The words written down aren’t what you’d say

You didn’t write that but there’s no concern
Plagiarize a nation, with words unlike your own
Familiarize yourself, and maybe you’ll learn
To talk about something you actually know about

Stop; catch your breath and there’s your cue –
Line!
Stutter; can you repeat that; it doesn’t make sense
Something about somewhere and we’re on the offence

State of the union; you’d better know what you’re doing
Refrain from taking questions you don’t understand
You’ve got the world in your palm and know it
Like the back of your hand

Stop; catch your breath and there’s your cue –
Line!
Stutter; can you repeat that; it doesn’t make sense
Something about somewhere and we’re on the offence
#2
The chorus is pretty sweet just because of the rhythm and rhyme.
Just a tip, if you're going to explain something about your piece do it afterwards because I hate knowing what it is I'm reading about before I've read it, especially when it's about Bush. Another tip: try not to write about Bush.
Other than the fact that it's about Bush I think it's fairly solid. Just hypercritical, I think it's time we give the guy a break, he's leaving soon, we just need to let it go.

Another thing: I usually try to avoid writing in the second person, it just tends to be really "I'm better than you and I'm just going to criticize you" kind of thing...I don't know, it just has to be original if you do it.

Again, loved the chorus, it was well done, forces a flow into the reader's head and it's a good one, not a lame one.
#3
^ Okay, lol. Well, technically it was about politicians in general, but I just happened to see him do that, and it kind of set me off.

I'll consider your thoughts on second person...I seem to have a problem with that...
#4
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX


Cue

Hiya, Just as a precursor, I have yet to read anything on these boards that is both political and tolerable. So I will be very harsh on this, because I feel that if you are going to tackle something such as politics and don't do it to perfection, it will come off as an epic failure. Let's begin.

Walk to the podium, eyes on the ground
A hundred thousand people look your way
You try to speak, but out comes no sound
The words written down aren’t what you’d say

I hated your rhymes. I guess they fit for your typical punk song... but standing on their own, with no powerchords behind them... they are flimsy. They are the type of thing I would expect from a childs first poem. They are just too easy and show no complexity or thoughtfulness. As far as idea, I must say I'm actually somewhat impressed... you prefaced this with the political comments and still managed to open with a fairly original idea. Not too bad.

You didn’t write that but there’s no concern
Plagiarize a nation, with words unlike your own
Familiarize yourself, and maybe you’ll learn
To talk about something you actually know about

line 3, make 'you'll' into 'you will' you need the extra syllable. Ok, line 4 was awful... as was the set-up in 3. You have a decent idea here, but you stumbled over it so poorly that you didn't say it. You need to cut this down some, take out the maybe's and the something's.... be more direct. If you were writing in some sort of metaphor, directness would be bad... but here you aren't, so be direct, make your statement and give it some flare. Your piece is sort of suffering from bland execution, so far its been fairly predictable. Your first bit was a good start, but now it has fallen into a pattern of just repeating the same idea in different ways. I can already tell what the next line will be about due to predicatble rhyming and a lack of variance in ideas. You are going to need to add some zip to your lines and some more ideas if this is going to work. hopefully you will change it up soon.

Stop; catch your breath and there’s your cue –
Line!
Stutter; can you repeat that; it doesn’t make sense
Something about somewhere and we’re on the offence

Punctuate this... it will make it easier to read with a solid flow. I really like your first two lines... they are the essence of poeticism within a song. However, your last two... they are what I would call "cliche" for a political piece. They aren't terrible, but at the same time they aren't up to the bar you've set for originality. They just sound like osmething I could here on CNN.

State of the union; you’d better know what you’re doing
Refrain from taking questions you don’t understand
You’ve got the world in your palm and know it
Like the back of your hand

ugh. This was no-where nearly as good as everything else. The internal rhyme of union and doing was the only rhyme so far that wasn't bland. However, the rest of this was just boring. You didn't add anything to your piece... and you sort of took away from it because you got away from the point, mocking politicians and their speeches. instead you stepped into the realm of "politics" as a whole, which makes your piece less focused and less pointed, and generally less enjoyable. Oh, and your last two lines are horribly cliche.

Stop; catch your breath and there’s your cue –
Line!
Stutter; can you repeat that; it doesn’t make sense
Something about somewhere and we’re on the offence


All the negative things I said are true, me thinks. however, I must say that you have broken the pattern... this is the first political piece I've read that shows some promise, mostly due to the originality of the idea. So, I say touch it up, give it a couple over-hauls, take out the part that I said doesn't relate to the idea, as it really does take away from the creativity of the piece because it is taking the easy way out and attacking political moves instead of focusing on the subject you've chosen... and with all that you may have a fairly impressive piece.

if you could c4c on the equation one in my sig. It's long... so just comments and general impression will do.

thanks,

-zC

oh, and if you have any questions about my comments, feel free to PM me.
#6
first let me say thank you for commenting on my piece, second i liked it. bush is a duffus on camera,and he doesnt always look prepared. .....just wondering, if you set this piece to music, would it be a folk song, or a punk type song? good job.
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#7
The third verse could do with some work, although that might just be me who thinks that. The chorus is good its got a cool rhythm to it that i like.
Last edited by li4m4 at Apr 1, 2008,
#10
I agree about the second person thing it could be a lot more interesting from 1st person. In the second stanza the word about in the last line could just be taken out. It would sound a lot better. I don't think he refrains from questions he doesn't understand, but sounds bad answering. If you could clean it up and make it less "I'm better than you" it would be good.
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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