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It was 8am on a Monday when I boarded the elevator. Nothing unusual about this day, it was proceeding as Mondays often do: Boring and slow. There was a man in the elevator going to the 20th floor, same as me. The ride went slowly as we shared an awkward silence. We had assumed the traditional elevator stance. With neither one of us caring to start a conversation, our hands were at our side, staring rigidly ahead trying almost desperately not to make eye contact.

Out of emergency, or to simply break up the monotony, he let out a small fart. He looked at me and grinned, not out of cruelty, but as an act of challenge. As luck would have it, my slowly digesting Eggs Benedict and coffee were starting to kick in. I answered back with a blast that was twice as long and twice as loud. His reply was the same. This continued floor after floor, going back and forth, topping each other just a little bit more; The sheer amount of air we were passing was bordering on physically impossible.

When we passed the 18th floor, he began his final attack. Under visible strain, with beads of sweat rolling down his face and saturating his shirt, he clenched and released a massive expulsion on an almost atomic level. It reverberated through the elevator, leaving a ringing in my ears. It was truly breathtaking, literally and physically. Again, he grinned at me out of challenge.

But I wasn’t done yet. Ignoring the awful scent we had filled the elevator with, I entered a state of trance through meditation. Relying on my digestive tract was far too easy. I knew that the power to win resided deep inside me. In my trance, I heard no sounds, I had no sight, no sense of smell. In what was an eternity for me but an instant for him, I mentally prepared my body for the task to come.

When I opened my eyes, I knew I had unlocked long dormant capabilities; The rumble I felt in my intestine was unlike any I had ever felt before. The elevator chimed a soft tone as we passed the 19th floor. One floor to go. As the stars aligned in perfect symmetry in our galaxy and its surrounding counterparts, I began my final attack.

The initial burst alone dwarfed his attempt in one fell swoop. Immediately, he seemed to sense danger, his eyes darting around for a possible means of escape. There was none for him. Or me. My rectal expulsion continued at the same volume, but it was only the beginning. As I glared at him through bloodshot eyes, I uttered a battle cry as a herald of the onslaught to come: With a voice that seemed foreign and alien to me, possibly demonically influenced, I roared “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!” as my flatulence reached its pinnacle blast.

I had ascended to a level previously unknown, or long forgotten, to mankind. It was loud and powerful enough to disrupt electrical current; the lights and even the gears of the elevator itself seemed to dim and stall as the look on my opponent’s face grew more and more terrified. And still I continued as the very fabric of space and time seemed to bend and fold. Shamans from long dead civilizations dropped dead from their clairvoyant vision of horror from the future. Utopian societies looking back through sophisticated instruments collapsed in on themselves overnight in the wake of the ripple through time I had created.

Still I continued. Up became down, black became white, and briefly, the whole of existence seemed to cancel out entirely. Outside of all of this, the elevator reached the 20th floor, its doors opening to reveal a crowd of people waiting to go down. The ones that weren’t overcome immediately had their intelligence completely obliterated. They reverted to a primal state; teeth gnashing in hunger and clenched hands lusting for claws long forgotten by evolution, then scampering off to parts unknown.

I was finally reaching the end. Unfortunately, my biblical butt blast had assumed a life of its own. Currents began to form; gravity itself was negated as I became a living black hole. The innocent folk that were initially overcome began to awaken, and immediately wished they hadn’t. As they looked inside the elevator, they saw not a man, but the face of Death himself. Man, woman, and child alike wept openly at the scourge and pestilence that was birthed onto this Earth from my anus.

Then it was done. For the sake of mankind, I willed the final blast towards the black hole I created and canceled it out entirely. Overcome with fatigue, I observed the destruction I had wrought. The innocent bystanders at the elevators threshold were alive at least, but their minds would forever be scarred. My initial opponent was not so long, as his proximity to me had caused his very molecular structure to integrate into the wall behind him, leaving only a face with pure terror permanently frozen in time.

I have never attempted a fart of such magnitude since, but perhaps one day a threat to mankind will emerge that only I may prevent, and give me the vindication that I will likely be seeking until the end of time. I suppose the moral of this story, if there is one, is that one should never mess with forces unknown to them, and should never, EVER go against the nature of life itself.
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
Last edited by The Leader at Oct 10, 2008,
Quote by boardsofcanada


The #1 member of the club that isn't terribly predjudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
PM me, or just say # x
And part of Fortysix and twos Defenders of Emo club.

" Zach_F I love you for that."
This thread doesnt have near enough responses.

But just so you know, Im bringing it in to my english class tommorow as an example of one of the greatest uses of rhetoric and figurative language of all time.
Quote by boardsofcanada


The #1 member of the club that isn't terribly predjudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
PM me, or just say # x
And part of Fortysix and twos Defenders of Emo club.

" Zach_F I love you for that."
Epic Indeed
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Quote by primusfan
i'm the one pulling my own pants down in front of people. and i have a small penis.

Quote by imdeth
Penises look much better than vaginas in my opinion. A vagina looks like an axe wound.
Quote by The Leader
The ones that weren’t overcome immediately had their intelligence completely obliterated.

i literally lol'd at that part.
This is my signature. There are many like it but this one is MINE.

That was a lot better than I expected.

Good Job.
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Ummm, petrol? Nip down to your local petrol station, buy a litre of the stuff and soak your balls in it, light them up and start playing with them.
you just made my day.

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The time I fell on my face on a trampoline and cracked my neck, then proceded to run around the yard in a blind panic screaming "I hope I'm not paralyzed! OH GOD I THINK I'M PARALYZED!"
... Wow. I found that incredibly funny in a first-grader-type way.

You my friend, are my new God now.


I'm sigging this thread so it will last for generations. For great justice.
Last edited by Andrusho at Mar 31, 2008,
"Biblical butt blast"

Quote by Beakwithteeth
What a coincidence one time I ****ed your cousin in the eye.
Truly epic! Nice.
45 days without my precious UG...

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Arnt the first few things anyone learns on a guitar is

1. Nirvana - smells like teen spirit
2. Prince - Smoke on the water
3. White stripes - seven nation army
Holy. Shit.
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Quote by puppetmaster917
I think white people are better than black people.
While this statement is kinda racist and straightforward, it does have many FACTS to back it up lolz.

I thought that it was going to be a farts version of "Duel Of The Fates"

Bookmarked it. Now I'm going to sleep.

Most epic story I have ever read. That was utterly amazing.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.

I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
For those who care.
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Well told, sir, well told.
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"so you mean if the father is sterile, the kid will be sterile too?"

Proof God exists and evolution is a lie:
Quote by elguitarrista3
the prove is u because u did n create urself and ur parents dindt and their parents didnt and so on and we are not monkeys peace

Oh my f*cking god! That was the best thing I've read in The Pit in a long time. You win so much!

EDIT: Can I post this on /b/?
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Last edited by ac/dc_freak91 at Mar 31, 2008,
I was actually trying to write a short story that was intended to be a crime/mystery thing, but I ended up adding one line as a joke, and the entire thing just kind of flowed from there.

"Out of emergency, or to simply break up the monotony, he let out a small fart."

There it is, right there.
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
You sir have one everything in the world and universe

I cried
Quote by masterk1818
I tell him to stop but he doesn't listen.

He just keeps thrusting

^Talking about his dog


^if you don't get it, search for Duel of the Farts
that is by far the best peice of literature i have ever read *claps*
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I didnt think you could be that much of a twat. Piss off.
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