#1
Stop the seasons
Block the sun
place holes in the ocean
it's okay

So look man
theres something out there
just look man
it's right here

You speak in numbers
Why do I talk in shapes?
is it enough that anything i touch
you create?
Say something
got to know you're there
anything
i promise i wont stare

Just look around
lets find some common ground
finally we can agree
theres nothing you do that can be done
all i need is you


-----
c4c

im mixed on this..
Thoughts?
#2
Now i feel in your shoes exactally how you feel right now. I want to right the same kind of song. I really like the four lines you speak in numbers why I talk in shapes is it enough that anything i touch you create. In those lines I feel your feelings but I feel like everything else is a little iffy. That is if your making a song cause if its a poem then ok but for a song it needs more substance
#3
I agree with Big. This is pretty good as a poem, but needs more if you want to turn it into a song.
The first stanza was alright. I'm still kinda confused on placing holes in the ocean, but it has a flow. However, the ending seemed to abrupt. Try to think of a better conclusion....?
Second stanza is growing on me....seems a bit repetitive.
I think your third phrase was your best, the first three lines are great but the forth diminishes some of their power.
The fourth line of the fourth stanza needs rewording....it confuses me...
Overall I was kind of lost. I didn't really know what was going on and some of the lingo was over my head. This does have potential though and with a few tweaks could be a great song or poem.
#4
Thanks =]

i might end up changing some stuff to make it flow with the melody better...

anyone else have anything to add?