#1
First in awhile, if you need me to critique your piece, leave me a link at the end of your comment. I'm off work tomorrow and will get to it before the day ends.


Sweet Tea

In spite of our soundless plays that
we reenact on our promises, such insipid
affairs, I've got them, I don't know
about everyone else, but I'll share.

I inspire to hold the hems of dresses
together while the
speakers play this beautiful hymn
about snow,
and I just keep telling myself,
to undress is to fall beneath everything
I've ever known. A bridge full of badges that
cross from my heart to my head to my toes, these
cars drive with lights off, in the fog
to distances across shores and beaches
no one's ever walked on. I can't smell
the air from over here, only see the
breath of the mountain, the call from
the coast to some honest to god beauty.

I can't imagine breaking another red tide,
so I'll describe the wool over my eyes,
a dream that woke me one morning to
the taste of honey suckle and wood glue.
I'd actually bitten my tongue, but that
doesn't stop me from tasting what I want to.

A boat full of the women I've loved and
left, or left and loved, either way it ends
with someone leaving. They're all in this boat,
and we're sailing across the sea the separates
everyone else and me. I'm the captain, and
they're paddling with these giant brown,
wooden oars. Now by this time in the dream
we were half way, to my left is the giant country
of Matt and the other is some place I've never been
too, shrouded in a horrible, delicate mystery. So
we get about three fourths of the way and the girls
in the boat start jumping ship, one by one right into
the water. I don't say a single word, and like dreams seem
to do, it's now the 1700's and I'm a cartographer on
a ship across the Atlantic. I'm drawing a map of the ocean,
and all I can think is how to make it back to her body.

The alarm went off.

I woke up next to no one in particular, pushed
my hand across the same body of water I'd dream't of crossing
and I punched the clock.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Apr 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by Something_Vague



A boat full of the women I've loved and
left, or left and loved, either way it ends
with someone leaving. They're all in this boat,
and we're sailing across the sea the separates
everyone else and me.


Now by this time in the dream
we were half way, to my left is the giant country
of Matt and the other is some place I've never been
too, shrouded in a horrible, delicate mystery. So
we get about three fourths of the way and the girls
in the boat start jumping ship, one by one right into
the water.


Those two sections above are the two I had the main problem with. It was almost like you were switiching to prose in those section, which bothered me. I guess more so than that switch was the switch of tone and mood. It almost dropped to a conversation style with the "now by this time" and the whole first line of the top. It feels like I'm sitting down for story time with Matt, and the change sort of threw off the rhythm you had going. Beyond that, I didn't like the juxtaposition of meanings on the water. I know that was the main point of the piece, but there was a certain point in the poem where you switched the water to being 'her body.' Normally, I'm good with such a move, as it makes it more interesting to read, however I don't feel like you developed quite enough what the water "was" before you made that jump in your dream to make it as effective of a switch as it could have been. I mean, you may have wanted it to be bland and then body... and it could just be me... but that was another thing that irked me somewhat.

Beyond all that, this was enjoyable. Honestly, it feels like you are starting to get some sort of groove back to your writing, they don't feel forced anymore. At least not the last ones I've read. This wasn't your best, but it was a fun read nonetheless.

the one that is an equation in my sig. It's long, but I'd love your thoughts on it. and yes, there are like 20 comments already, but there is only one from someone who has read some of my stuff before, so your comments and thoughts will stll be quite helpful.

-zC
#3
It's to poetic for my tastes, just to many words that seem to go almost nowhere for me, but there is some nice imagery. I think you used a little to much discription, but if you didn't over describe some of it it'd ruin the poem because most of your stanzas depend on it, so idk. I liked some parts of it, the fourth stanza stood out the most for me.

Don't feel obliged to comment on it since this was barely a crit but here's mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=826104
Last edited by stratkat at Apr 1, 2008,
#4
A good tip is for writing is to show moreso than tell. also I think it should be "the sea that seperates"
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